Friday, March 09, 2007

Depressed

Yuppers. I'm depressed. It's mild, but it's definately there. I need to not get worried, this makes perfect sense considering I was already a little vulnerable from the breakups and from my roommate leaving for Uganda, and then last week I had 3 days of 2/3rds doses, and a day of no dose at all. Yes, I added 1&1/3 dose, but I imagine the chemicals are wacky in my body. I just took another 1/3 dose, so if I take an extra 1/3 dose tomorrow maybe I will be caught up. I really want this to end soon, I have only been "not depressed" for a few months, I am not ready to go back into the abyss, today I even had suicidal ideation, but mild, it was like "now I remember why I wanted to kill myself."

There are two things that suck about depression, and I just read in "Why Zebras dont get Ulcers" that Depression is distinguished by "Anhedonia" and "Psychomotor Retardation." Anhedonia means the inability to feel pleasure. I did feel okay at times today, like I had forgotten for a while that I was depressed, but then if I had time to think about it, I realized I was down again. I went to lunch with an old friend again, and was struck a few times with what a downer I sounded like. And music in the car just wasn't good enough for me.

And psychomotor retardation makes it hard to move, hard to get out of bed, and hard to get things done. I couldn't find my badge today and was considering just giving up and taking a Miss-Trip, which is very bad. I also went to work kind of desheveled looking, but that had as much to do with a mix-up in my scheduling as with my depression.

I now have to do some dishes and clean up the apartment for a party for my roommate that I wont be able to attend. I hope the psychomotor retardation will not interfere too much, and that the Andhedonia wont make cleaning the apartment too unenjoyable :)

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