In an hour or so I am going to meet a cute (Asian) Indian boy at a casino he consults at. I met him on the plane, he has been on at least 3 of my flights, and I noticed him because he had shaggy hair that made him look like the Bollywood star Shah Rukh Khan.
Two days ago he was on my flight and he lingered at the end of the flight, it was obvious he was going to ask me out, but, because of dumb reasons, I sort of pushed him off the plane saying "How do you say goodbye in Hindi?" I had every intention of running into him after we got off the plane, but the passengers were takins so long to get off, one lady was looking for the lens of her glasses, that he was gone by the time I got off.
Well I was glad in the end. I know there is one reader who knows this, but otherwise, it is a bad idea to get involved with a South Asian born boy. South Asian marriages are marriages of families, not just individuals, so the families rarely accept people outside of their culture. To make it worse he has a muslim name, so from my personal experience with a pakistani boy, I should, under no circumstances, fall for this boy.
But my roommate pushed me to call the casino and ask for him. And when I am pushed to do something I already want to do (she is the one who pushed me to make out with my neighbor) it is hard for me to say no. So I called him, and we made plans for tonight.
I think I will have to be sure I don't have sex with him, so I don't fall for him, and I will be sure to let him know I can't have a relationship (which I am sure he will be fine with.) He is very cute, probably very young, and I will just enjoy his company, and his lilty accent.
Wednesday, February 28, 2007
Caliente
My roommate and I went out for a couple of drinks, then her Ecuadorian "lover" came over and hung out for awhile. I started to feel like a third wheel, and then I heard my neighbor was awake, so I went up and tapped quietly on his door.
We watched 2 episodes of "Lucky Louis" on DVD and halfway into the first I asked him if he wanted to cuddle (me and my big mouth.) Halfway through the second episode he climbed into the bed and pressed his body against my back. I instantly heated up.
Then when the second episode was over he said "It's 2:55" so I got up to go home. He stood up and gave me a hug, and we pressed our bodies against each other. He rubbed his hands up and down my body and said "you feel so good" I said "I know, I am so dumb" and he said "you didn't do anything wrong" and we lingered there for another minute, and he kissed me lightly on my neck.
Someone explain to me why a 47 year old man who lives in a studio apartment and is drinking just about every time I see him has this effect on me. I think if I had sex with him I would totally lose my senses. I had that with Timothy Bearclaw, my sex friend/addiction throughout college. Fortunately my neighbor has ethics and self control, because if he didn't, I wouldn't have been able to stop.
Whew!
We watched 2 episodes of "Lucky Louis" on DVD and halfway into the first I asked him if he wanted to cuddle (me and my big mouth.) Halfway through the second episode he climbed into the bed and pressed his body against my back. I instantly heated up.
Then when the second episode was over he said "It's 2:55" so I got up to go home. He stood up and gave me a hug, and we pressed our bodies against each other. He rubbed his hands up and down my body and said "you feel so good" I said "I know, I am so dumb" and he said "you didn't do anything wrong" and we lingered there for another minute, and he kissed me lightly on my neck.
Someone explain to me why a 47 year old man who lives in a studio apartment and is drinking just about every time I see him has this effect on me. I think if I had sex with him I would totally lose my senses. I had that with Timothy Bearclaw, my sex friend/addiction throughout college. Fortunately my neighbor has ethics and self control, because if he didn't, I wouldn't have been able to stop.
Whew!
Sunday, February 25, 2007
When life snows on your parking lot, shovel a space for yourself
Are there better words to live by than the title of this post? No.You can stop calling me Diana, Goddess of the Hunt, and start calling me the Goddess of Wisdom.
As most of you know a huge storm covered much of the country, we got 10 inches of snow. Last night after they canceled my flight at midnight, they put me on reserve until 1:45AM. Then they gave me a flight where I was supposed to show up at work at 9:45AM! I slept at the airport. It's a good thing I did, because it was warm this afternoon, so shoveling my car out of the airport parking lot wasn't so bad. If I had done it last night, I would have froze, had only 4 hours of sleep, and I would have had nowhere to park! There was a foot of snow in all the parking spots but the middle, which had a car obviously stuck.
I went to the gym today, but it was closed. The temp was nice, like 27 degrees, so I thought, "why not shovel a space for myself?"
I went outside with the shovel and scooped up a shovelful, then another, then another, then another. But I couldn't see a bit of difference. I should have quit then, what good would continuing do? I would work my ass off and it wouldn't even be a quarter done, but I decided to continue anyway.
My roommate was cooking, and was going to knock on the window when she was done. I just decided to continue to shovel until she knocked. It wouldn't make much difference, but at least it would ensure that the plower plowed all the way to the edge, since I had started it. So I shoveled on.
I was beautifully Buddhist about it. I scooped a scoop at a time, and just enjoyed being in the moment. I smiled as I picked up a scoop, threw it or dropped it to the side. As I went, one scoop at a time, the space started to empty! I moved my car into the space and then started scooping the snow by the stuck car, again, with a smile on my face.
Isn't this a beautiful metaphor for life? The parking space was full of snow, if I had waited for the landlord to plow it I would have to park my car somewhere else for the night. So I shoveled it myself! Life threw an obstacle in my way, and instead of waiting for outside forces to solve it, I solved it myself.
But the metaphor goes even further. When I saw the job, it looked just too big, I was 100% certian that I couldn't do it. But I did. I just shoveled a scoop at a time, enjoying the process, and I not only got it accomplished, I enjoyed the process.
Years ago, when my life and my brain looked too chaotic to ever control, I came up with a theory. Life felt like I was walking on a bog, when everyone else was walking on solid ground. I had to keep moving to stay normal, but if I took a rest I would fall in. So I decided to just "throw pebbles in the bog" one at a time. I had hope that if I did many little things to make my life and mind better, that one day I would have solid ground to walk on. It is years later, and it worked. I did the tinyest things to make my health better, and though I couldn't see any results at the time, the little things added up, and now my life, though imperfect, is on solid ground.
Next time I see a large challenge in front of me, I hope I will remember shoveling out my parking space. It looked so huge, but one scoop at a time, I shoveled the whole thing. And I enjoyed it too.
As most of you know a huge storm covered much of the country, we got 10 inches of snow. Last night after they canceled my flight at midnight, they put me on reserve until 1:45AM. Then they gave me a flight where I was supposed to show up at work at 9:45AM! I slept at the airport. It's a good thing I did, because it was warm this afternoon, so shoveling my car out of the airport parking lot wasn't so bad. If I had done it last night, I would have froze, had only 4 hours of sleep, and I would have had nowhere to park! There was a foot of snow in all the parking spots but the middle, which had a car obviously stuck.
I went to the gym today, but it was closed. The temp was nice, like 27 degrees, so I thought, "why not shovel a space for myself?"
I went outside with the shovel and scooped up a shovelful, then another, then another, then another. But I couldn't see a bit of difference. I should have quit then, what good would continuing do? I would work my ass off and it wouldn't even be a quarter done, but I decided to continue anyway.
My roommate was cooking, and was going to knock on the window when she was done. I just decided to continue to shovel until she knocked. It wouldn't make much difference, but at least it would ensure that the plower plowed all the way to the edge, since I had started it. So I shoveled on.
I was beautifully Buddhist about it. I scooped a scoop at a time, and just enjoyed being in the moment. I smiled as I picked up a scoop, threw it or dropped it to the side. As I went, one scoop at a time, the space started to empty! I moved my car into the space and then started scooping the snow by the stuck car, again, with a smile on my face.
Isn't this a beautiful metaphor for life? The parking space was full of snow, if I had waited for the landlord to plow it I would have to park my car somewhere else for the night. So I shoveled it myself! Life threw an obstacle in my way, and instead of waiting for outside forces to solve it, I solved it myself.
But the metaphor goes even further. When I saw the job, it looked just too big, I was 100% certian that I couldn't do it. But I did. I just shoveled a scoop at a time, enjoying the process, and I not only got it accomplished, I enjoyed the process.
Years ago, when my life and my brain looked too chaotic to ever control, I came up with a theory. Life felt like I was walking on a bog, when everyone else was walking on solid ground. I had to keep moving to stay normal, but if I took a rest I would fall in. So I decided to just "throw pebbles in the bog" one at a time. I had hope that if I did many little things to make my life and mind better, that one day I would have solid ground to walk on. It is years later, and it worked. I did the tinyest things to make my health better, and though I couldn't see any results at the time, the little things added up, and now my life, though imperfect, is on solid ground.
Next time I see a large challenge in front of me, I hope I will remember shoveling out my parking space. It looked so huge, but one scoop at a time, I shoveled the whole thing. And I enjoyed it too.
Friday, February 23, 2007
Standards
What standards should I hold myself to?
We have contract negotiations going on right now, and the whole thing stresses me out. But is that an excuse? Is learning about and voting on my work conditions any less a type of self care than choosing healthy foods? Sure, I will survive even if I don’t work on the contracts, but working to make my life less stressful will help me to thrive, just as getting all the nutrients I need will.
And how about working for this airline? In a way I feel like a developmentally disabled person working as a janitor. It is a job that I can keep, it may not be the job the majority of people should be striving for, but for my circumstances, it is what is right. But maybe I am not correctly assessing my abilities. Maybe I am setting the bar too low for myself. When I was studying for the tour guide position at the museum I was happy, because my mind was being stimulated, I may be doing myself a great disservice by staying in a job that doesn’t challenge me intellectually.
It is obvious (thank god) that the plan I was following was not the right one. Expecting that I will get married and have children, and putting my whole future on that is like investing all your money in one stock. Ideally, it will work out great, but you should diversify in case that stock fails.
I know I am smart, but in the past I have failed a lot, because of anxiety, so I have very low confidence. I think low confidence like that is not 100% bad, it is partially accurate. Why couldn’t I handle the tour guide position? Anxiety. Would I want to give up what I have and put myself in a business position if I could see that happening again? No. I feel like a teenager amongst adults, until I know I can tackle that feeling, I feel my career options are limited.
And lets not forget what position I was in when I started this blog, suicidally depressed. I was so overwhelmed with career life and anxiety that I felt my only option was to kill myself. Every time I get out of a depression I seem to push myself back into one, and I think that is because I take on more than I can handle, and then end up overwhelmed all over again.
I think the best move for me really is to take classes and buy a condo. Really, that’s what I should do. These are the things that will invest in my future. I was foolish to put my future hopes in another person, thank goodness I have had my distractions removed so I put my eyes back on the prize. Love might happen, I sure hope it will, but if that is all my life is about then what a sad life. I need to have some accomplishments, and so far my only accomplishments involve surviving. I think those are big accomplishments, but they still put me at the starting line, when everyone around me is running the race.
I wish psychics were real. I wish I could say, “excuse me Madam Zahara, should I be going to school or buying a condo?” I wish they could tell you “yes, you will meet a man who will be a stable yet passionate person in your life, so build your domestic skills and prepare for him”
See the thing is, what I am looking for in a man isn’t what I am. What sense does that make? I think it is hypocritical of me to expect one level from someone else, and not be that myself. I think it’s really good to be confident, and I am getting better that way, but it is also good to challenge myself.
But is that possibly my downfall? I am ambitious to an unrealistic extreme, so I send myself over the edge? Yeah, absolutely. Perhaps I could be a huge success if I had set smaller goals, like pass the class, not get an A+++ in the class and have the teacher read your paper out loud because it is so good. So if that pressure has failed me before, I don’t need to let it fail me again. I should take a class, and pass it. That’s what I should do next. Hey, I’m excited. When I get excited it’s a good sign.
We have contract negotiations going on right now, and the whole thing stresses me out. But is that an excuse? Is learning about and voting on my work conditions any less a type of self care than choosing healthy foods? Sure, I will survive even if I don’t work on the contracts, but working to make my life less stressful will help me to thrive, just as getting all the nutrients I need will.
And how about working for this airline? In a way I feel like a developmentally disabled person working as a janitor. It is a job that I can keep, it may not be the job the majority of people should be striving for, but for my circumstances, it is what is right. But maybe I am not correctly assessing my abilities. Maybe I am setting the bar too low for myself. When I was studying for the tour guide position at the museum I was happy, because my mind was being stimulated, I may be doing myself a great disservice by staying in a job that doesn’t challenge me intellectually.
It is obvious (thank god) that the plan I was following was not the right one. Expecting that I will get married and have children, and putting my whole future on that is like investing all your money in one stock. Ideally, it will work out great, but you should diversify in case that stock fails.
I know I am smart, but in the past I have failed a lot, because of anxiety, so I have very low confidence. I think low confidence like that is not 100% bad, it is partially accurate. Why couldn’t I handle the tour guide position? Anxiety. Would I want to give up what I have and put myself in a business position if I could see that happening again? No. I feel like a teenager amongst adults, until I know I can tackle that feeling, I feel my career options are limited.
And lets not forget what position I was in when I started this blog, suicidally depressed. I was so overwhelmed with career life and anxiety that I felt my only option was to kill myself. Every time I get out of a depression I seem to push myself back into one, and I think that is because I take on more than I can handle, and then end up overwhelmed all over again.
I think the best move for me really is to take classes and buy a condo. Really, that’s what I should do. These are the things that will invest in my future. I was foolish to put my future hopes in another person, thank goodness I have had my distractions removed so I put my eyes back on the prize. Love might happen, I sure hope it will, but if that is all my life is about then what a sad life. I need to have some accomplishments, and so far my only accomplishments involve surviving. I think those are big accomplishments, but they still put me at the starting line, when everyone around me is running the race.
I wish psychics were real. I wish I could say, “excuse me Madam Zahara, should I be going to school or buying a condo?” I wish they could tell you “yes, you will meet a man who will be a stable yet passionate person in your life, so build your domestic skills and prepare for him”
See the thing is, what I am looking for in a man isn’t what I am. What sense does that make? I think it is hypocritical of me to expect one level from someone else, and not be that myself. I think it’s really good to be confident, and I am getting better that way, but it is also good to challenge myself.
But is that possibly my downfall? I am ambitious to an unrealistic extreme, so I send myself over the edge? Yeah, absolutely. Perhaps I could be a huge success if I had set smaller goals, like pass the class, not get an A+++ in the class and have the teacher read your paper out loud because it is so good. So if that pressure has failed me before, I don’t need to let it fail me again. I should take a class, and pass it. That’s what I should do next. Hey, I’m excited. When I get excited it’s a good sign.
Thursday, February 22, 2007
Psychic Phenomena!
Francis may drive me crazy, but I have just found a new reason to stay friends. She's psychic. We were watching the Sarah Silverman show, and Nancy said "who do you think has the hairier bush?" a random question, right? Get this, one minute later Sarah Silverman is complaining that her sister's bush was so much bigger, so she used mascara to make hers bigger!
Adult Temper Tantrum
I used to be a horror to my mother, and it is fair to say my father too, but he deserved it. I threw temper tantrums.
My therapist pointed something out when I mentioned that I had a clean room, but it is messy now after Alan. I mentioned that I just throw stuff anywhere and she said "maybe you are expressing something" and damn it, I think she is right!
I think when I put stuff where it doesn't belong, or eat foods that I am not supposed to, it comes from the place of a rebellious child! The parent in me is always saying "You should eat in moderation" and "You should put things away when you are done with them" and the child in me, when I am feeling really bad is like "I don't have to do what you say" I mean those words actually go through my head, I throw my shirt on the floor and think "I dont have to hang this up" I mean what is the benefit of not re-hanging your shirt? Nothing in itself, but when you think of it as expression, it is saying like "I am entitled to do this" for what ever reason I would want the reward of throwing my shirt on the ground.
So basically I am the parent who has taken over for my mother and father. I never had the power struggles with my dad that I did with my mom, my dad seemed to have little interest in having power over me. So the child in me is acting out against myself, like it did to my mom. I wonder if that is a little of my attitude with sex, like I am being rebellious and slutty acting, because the mom in me cant tell me what to do.
So now, I am going to try to be in the adult mode and clean up my room. Maybe I will have to gently coax the child in me to participate.
Even though this is all happening to me, this is quite facinating!
My therapist pointed something out when I mentioned that I had a clean room, but it is messy now after Alan. I mentioned that I just throw stuff anywhere and she said "maybe you are expressing something" and damn it, I think she is right!
I think when I put stuff where it doesn't belong, or eat foods that I am not supposed to, it comes from the place of a rebellious child! The parent in me is always saying "You should eat in moderation" and "You should put things away when you are done with them" and the child in me, when I am feeling really bad is like "I don't have to do what you say" I mean those words actually go through my head, I throw my shirt on the floor and think "I dont have to hang this up" I mean what is the benefit of not re-hanging your shirt? Nothing in itself, but when you think of it as expression, it is saying like "I am entitled to do this" for what ever reason I would want the reward of throwing my shirt on the ground.
So basically I am the parent who has taken over for my mother and father. I never had the power struggles with my dad that I did with my mom, my dad seemed to have little interest in having power over me. So the child in me is acting out against myself, like it did to my mom. I wonder if that is a little of my attitude with sex, like I am being rebellious and slutty acting, because the mom in me cant tell me what to do.
So now, I am going to try to be in the adult mode and clean up my room. Maybe I will have to gently coax the child in me to participate.
Even though this is all happening to me, this is quite facinating!
Perspective
For those of you who aren't in therapy, but should be, please don't let this scare you off, Dr. T does this because she knows it works with me. Sometimes her work is just saying to me "come on." I get myself in such a lather, and she helps me put things back into perspective.
When I said I have an addiction to male attention and that I just want to make out with boys as a drug fix, she reminded me to not be so dramatic. I guess I am a woman, with a sex drive, and who likes attention, like everybody else. Maybe I am a little lonlier than some people, not having a heathy parental relationship, but besides that I am just like anyone else, I want attention and affection and attention, I dont need to pathologize that.
I am seeing, more and more, that the unhealthiest thing about me is that I think I am so unhealthy. I turn every flaw and insecurity into a symptom of an illness. If anything can make you depressed, it's seeing being perfect as normal, and normal as sick.
I told her honestly that I felt that Alan dumping me was evidence that I had an annoying personality. She said I was beating myself up, making it about me, when what I was doing was having sex with a guy who didn't want a relationship. I could have argued that in the beginning he had suggested we might date "forever" and that he asked me how many kids I wanted, but then I could also mention that on our third date I turned into a sex fiend and probably scared the bejezus out of him, combine that with me kissing Alan the day before breaking up with Charles, and having marathon man come visit me made it hard for him to trust me enough to want to commit to me.
In the end she said I was doing very well. I do feel better having talked to her. It's so weird how having someone say "you aren't going off the deep end" makes you not go off the deep end. I said "I am afraid I will go into another depression" and she said "So what?, you will just come out of it again." She took a more gentle approach when I was sicker, but this approach she has now is really effective. I genuinely feel like a normal person with a health issue like diabetes, just coming in and being all dramatic and having her say "just because you like cookies does not mean you have a chocolate addiction and need rehab"
When I said I have an addiction to male attention and that I just want to make out with boys as a drug fix, she reminded me to not be so dramatic. I guess I am a woman, with a sex drive, and who likes attention, like everybody else. Maybe I am a little lonlier than some people, not having a heathy parental relationship, but besides that I am just like anyone else, I want attention and affection and attention, I dont need to pathologize that.
I am seeing, more and more, that the unhealthiest thing about me is that I think I am so unhealthy. I turn every flaw and insecurity into a symptom of an illness. If anything can make you depressed, it's seeing being perfect as normal, and normal as sick.
I told her honestly that I felt that Alan dumping me was evidence that I had an annoying personality. She said I was beating myself up, making it about me, when what I was doing was having sex with a guy who didn't want a relationship. I could have argued that in the beginning he had suggested we might date "forever" and that he asked me how many kids I wanted, but then I could also mention that on our third date I turned into a sex fiend and probably scared the bejezus out of him, combine that with me kissing Alan the day before breaking up with Charles, and having marathon man come visit me made it hard for him to trust me enough to want to commit to me.
In the end she said I was doing very well. I do feel better having talked to her. It's so weird how having someone say "you aren't going off the deep end" makes you not go off the deep end. I said "I am afraid I will go into another depression" and she said "So what?, you will just come out of it again." She took a more gentle approach when I was sicker, but this approach she has now is really effective. I genuinely feel like a normal person with a health issue like diabetes, just coming in and being all dramatic and having her say "just because you like cookies does not mean you have a chocolate addiction and need rehab"
The truth about Alan
Here's why I am taking the Alan thing so hard...
When I was dating Charles I finally felt loveable. I figured that my problems with social skills was a thing of the past. That I was no longer annoying, I was now girlfriend material.
Then, when things didn't work out with Charles I started dating Alan. He thought I was pretty, so it was obviously my personality he didn't like. So I am upset because now I am insecure, thinking I have a bad personality.
I am also having an identity crisis. I liked dating a hipper person, and I am questioning my square, mainstream image.
Maybe drinking night after night is the answer to my problems
When I was dating Charles I finally felt loveable. I figured that my problems with social skills was a thing of the past. That I was no longer annoying, I was now girlfriend material.
Then, when things didn't work out with Charles I started dating Alan. He thought I was pretty, so it was obviously my personality he didn't like. So I am upset because now I am insecure, thinking I have a bad personality.
I am also having an identity crisis. I liked dating a hipper person, and I am questioning my square, mainstream image.
Maybe drinking night after night is the answer to my problems
I don't know
I have been hanging out with my neighbor, and his ex girlfriend Francis for the last 2 days. I am so tired of her, and maybe of him too. She is just so fucking pushy, UUUUUUGH! And he has been flirting with me right in front of her, hard core, so if she didn't suspect something happened, then she will now!
He told me today that if he was 10 years younger he would marry me. He says very sweet things alot, which I really appreciate, he is a very nice and cool guy, but I am glad he is older than me, because it gives me an excuse to not "like" him.
And Francis really embarrasses me. She is so loud, and her manners are terrible. And she is so bossy. Today at the UPS store I asked her to buy a box of envelopes for me, and I would pay her cash in the car, and she said, loudly, right in front of the cashier, "This isn't the place to buy envelopes, you buy those from the dollar store" For the love of god that would only save me 1.25! That girl has issues. I am glad now that she moved to Florida. If you asked me if I would choose to be friends with her if I could do it all over again, I don't know what my answer would be. She is a very special and unique person, but I can only stand her in small doses. She is very generous, but really drives me nuts sometimes.
What a night. I wasn't going to go out tonight, I told her if I did I would be useless tomorrow, and her response was "it's mind over matter, if you think you will be tired tomorrow, you will" I swear I could slap her. I spend so much time fighting to have energy for the day...if she only knew how unkind that comment is.
Shes leaving while I am gone at work, I just wish I could have had a break before going back.
God I am glad she moved to Florida!
He told me today that if he was 10 years younger he would marry me. He says very sweet things alot, which I really appreciate, he is a very nice and cool guy, but I am glad he is older than me, because it gives me an excuse to not "like" him.
And Francis really embarrasses me. She is so loud, and her manners are terrible. And she is so bossy. Today at the UPS store I asked her to buy a box of envelopes for me, and I would pay her cash in the car, and she said, loudly, right in front of the cashier, "This isn't the place to buy envelopes, you buy those from the dollar store" For the love of god that would only save me 1.25! That girl has issues. I am glad now that she moved to Florida. If you asked me if I would choose to be friends with her if I could do it all over again, I don't know what my answer would be. She is a very special and unique person, but I can only stand her in small doses. She is very generous, but really drives me nuts sometimes.
What a night. I wasn't going to go out tonight, I told her if I did I would be useless tomorrow, and her response was "it's mind over matter, if you think you will be tired tomorrow, you will" I swear I could slap her. I spend so much time fighting to have energy for the day...if she only knew how unkind that comment is.
Shes leaving while I am gone at work, I just wish I could have had a break before going back.
God I am glad she moved to Florida!
Wednesday, February 21, 2007
Too Aggressive
Last night I figured out one reason why I don't do well with guys. I am just too aggressive!
Myself, my neighbor, and his ex-girlfriend Francis went to a piano bar, one that won accolades from Esquire magazine last night. I wore a slutty low cut shirt (Francis gave it to me to wear, I wore it because I am trying to take risks)
One thing that was really nice about last night is both my neighbor and his ex-girlfriend kept saying how pretty I am. And, I sang a few songs, and they said I was really good. My favorite was when I sang "Fever" and did a sexy fun job of it, and then a snooty little girl named Laura who thought she was SOOOOO cute sang it awhile after me, and sounded boring :) I was so proud :)
So there was a professional jazz singer there, with a HOT mexican guy, SOOO CUTE. I chatted with him and found out they were just friends, and somewhere in the conversation I told him he was handsome, and I can't remember, but something like he should date me! I would be so annoyed by a guy saying stuff like that to me, it's much too obvious. But there I was, saying it.
I guess I am glad it happened, and that I noticed it, because now I can know to SHUT THE HELL UP! I need to quit flirting, and start talking to men like they are friends. I feel at ease when someone isn't flirting with me too much (unless they are hot as hell) and it is even worse coming from a woman.
Am I easy? Maybe. I think I need to stop being that way. It's because I am really a man in a woman's body. Except I want all the cuddling and romance and chivalry too.
And I have felt a little sad today, it could be leftover alcohol and dehydration in my system, but I also feel unlovable. I know I'm not, I think it is my behavior that has made dating hard for me. Being too aggressive, maybe too easy.
Oh man, I know Alan may have been bad news, but I just wish that he didn't reject me! I want to know SO MUCH what I did to make him not want me. I think it was TMI on my sexual past (something that I told him after he told me his drug past) I think it was being too easily available to him, and I think it was the fact that I cheated on Charles, and had little time to recover, and he knew that. Oh, and when Marathon man visited.
What I gotta do is just not be so addicted to attention. I really am. I check my e-mail and statcounter 10 times a day. Even if someone read it from blogexplosion I get a little "hit." It's like proof that I exist and someone knows it, forget the fact that they might be switching to the next blog and then looking up at the TV while the 30 seconds run out. I can see that it is addictive behavior, and so I need to replace that with genuine self-esteem.
But the problem is, as I become more confident, I feel more fearless, and then tell random mexicans that they are handsome.
Myself, my neighbor, and his ex-girlfriend Francis went to a piano bar, one that won accolades from Esquire magazine last night. I wore a slutty low cut shirt (Francis gave it to me to wear, I wore it because I am trying to take risks)
One thing that was really nice about last night is both my neighbor and his ex-girlfriend kept saying how pretty I am. And, I sang a few songs, and they said I was really good. My favorite was when I sang "Fever" and did a sexy fun job of it, and then a snooty little girl named Laura who thought she was SOOOOO cute sang it awhile after me, and sounded boring :) I was so proud :)
So there was a professional jazz singer there, with a HOT mexican guy, SOOO CUTE. I chatted with him and found out they were just friends, and somewhere in the conversation I told him he was handsome, and I can't remember, but something like he should date me! I would be so annoyed by a guy saying stuff like that to me, it's much too obvious. But there I was, saying it.
I guess I am glad it happened, and that I noticed it, because now I can know to SHUT THE HELL UP! I need to quit flirting, and start talking to men like they are friends. I feel at ease when someone isn't flirting with me too much (unless they are hot as hell) and it is even worse coming from a woman.
Am I easy? Maybe. I think I need to stop being that way. It's because I am really a man in a woman's body. Except I want all the cuddling and romance and chivalry too.
And I have felt a little sad today, it could be leftover alcohol and dehydration in my system, but I also feel unlovable. I know I'm not, I think it is my behavior that has made dating hard for me. Being too aggressive, maybe too easy.
Oh man, I know Alan may have been bad news, but I just wish that he didn't reject me! I want to know SO MUCH what I did to make him not want me. I think it was TMI on my sexual past (something that I told him after he told me his drug past) I think it was being too easily available to him, and I think it was the fact that I cheated on Charles, and had little time to recover, and he knew that. Oh, and when Marathon man visited.
What I gotta do is just not be so addicted to attention. I really am. I check my e-mail and statcounter 10 times a day. Even if someone read it from blogexplosion I get a little "hit." It's like proof that I exist and someone knows it, forget the fact that they might be switching to the next blog and then looking up at the TV while the 30 seconds run out. I can see that it is addictive behavior, and so I need to replace that with genuine self-esteem.
But the problem is, as I become more confident, I feel more fearless, and then tell random mexicans that they are handsome.
Tuesday, February 20, 2007
My brush with infamy
Yeah, this former NBA player is actually an INFAMOUS former NBA player. Like so infamous that he has a documentary about him. Like so infamous that I don't want to say much more about him, because I could identify him!
Here's how it all went down. The other day I had a minor league basketball team on my flight. And I remember noticing this guy amongst the young, vibrant teammates as standing out. My reaction was actual disgust, yup, disgust, there was something about him that caught my attention in a negative way. But he was very nice.
Well today he was on my flight again. He asked me if I was on the flight the other day, and once he said that I remembered him. I chatted with him a moment and he told me he was the coach of the team that was on the flight, and gave me his card in case I was in his city on a layover and wanted to see a game.
I finished my beverage service and sat in the back of the plane writing the previous post. After awhile he came and sat across from me, and asked for a beer. I chatted with him, asked him questions about his life. He said very inspirational things, the words coming out of his mouth were very balanced, but his eyes, his eyes were half shut, so tired looking, it was like he was half asleep.
I guess I knew he would hit on me, but I guess I also wanted that, to be hit on, by anyone. I don't remember how dating came up, but he said something like "do you prefer older guys or younger guys?" to which I responded "I don't like any guys" and proceeded to tell him about valentines day. He said "Alot of women like older guys, because women are so much more mature than men" (this guy is like, 50.) I thought that was funny and I said "It is interesting for me to hear you discuss dating, because I would love to hear the perspective of a former NBA player, I mean you guys have like the worst record when it comes to women" he said "what about football players, or hockey players" so I said "fine, athletes in general" He of course said I was stereotyping, and of course I learned after googling his name that he was married during 2003, so he is probably married now.
After he went back to his seat he asked me for my number. I was happy to give it to him. I think it would be very cool to know a basketball coach. I wrote on the napkin "remember, I am a man hater" and when he asked about that I said "I don't like men, so this is 100% a friendship thing only" and then he said he didn't believe me, I said "I don't hate men 100%, I think men are worthy of friendship, but thats it" and he said (ewww) "well everybody gets lonely" and I said "yes, I do, but I can still live without men"
It's really kind of silly. Why else would he want to talk to me if not for sex. I know this fact and yet I carry on like he would actually want a platonic friendship. I guess the reason is I am curious. Curious and facinated. My roommate got on my nerves a little tonight because I looked him up a second time and she said "your still looking at that guy" and I'm like "yeah! wouldn't you?" she said she was "completely unimpressed." Unimpressed? Who said anything about impressed? Intrigued, hell yeah. But also, I think it is a little annoying to act like it's not a big deal. You don't get to meet people who were in the news every day, so even if they arent a figure one would want to emulate, that doesn't make them any less interesting, hell, it makes them MORE interesting!
I just saw the movie "Factory Girl" tonight. First off, I am totally inspired. Watching it made me want to be the old me, and helped me recognize that I am not depressed anymore, that I am the old me now, I am just not expressing it. I am very inspired to be FAB. U. LOUS.
I also got all religious about my experience today. I thought (oh god, now I am embarrassed to even recount it) that maybe god put me in this man's path so I could point out that he shouldn't use drugs (yes these were my actual thoughts) I thought that I have a way of touching people, and that he is probably used to getting used, and maybe doesn't have anybody. It really is sad that he probably uses drugs (he does drink, for sure) because he is very kind.
But now I am feeling SOOO dumb, because HELLO! Drug users are just that. USERS. I lived with a cokehead as a roommate once, and of course, an alcoholic, my dad. A friendly suggestion that "you are too special of a person to hurt yourself with those bad drugs" has never worked. I, my friends, am star-struck stupid. Oh geez.
It's that, but also, I love having an interesting life. I love having stories about the interesting (in so many ways) people I have met. To get to say you chatted on the phone with a person who was in the news, that's interesting to me. Maybe that says bad things about me. I'm not sure. I don't think I am doing him any harm, I guess except the fact that I am facinated, so in a way am entertained by his personal downfall. But in my defense I nievely fantasized about being the voice of reason that would inspire him to take care of himself BWAH HA HA HA HA! I am sorry! I just have to laugh at myself. Sometimes my mind is like a made for TV movie.
What a life I lead.
An afterthought: You know what. I did connect with this guy today. Our conversation was meaningful, and he really did inspire me (as any good coach would.) I don't think that my fantasy of helping him was that off base. I think having a person genuinely say "how are things going?" can be meaningful to anyone. We all want someone to care.
Here's how it all went down. The other day I had a minor league basketball team on my flight. And I remember noticing this guy amongst the young, vibrant teammates as standing out. My reaction was actual disgust, yup, disgust, there was something about him that caught my attention in a negative way. But he was very nice.
Well today he was on my flight again. He asked me if I was on the flight the other day, and once he said that I remembered him. I chatted with him a moment and he told me he was the coach of the team that was on the flight, and gave me his card in case I was in his city on a layover and wanted to see a game.
I finished my beverage service and sat in the back of the plane writing the previous post. After awhile he came and sat across from me, and asked for a beer. I chatted with him, asked him questions about his life. He said very inspirational things, the words coming out of his mouth were very balanced, but his eyes, his eyes were half shut, so tired looking, it was like he was half asleep.
I guess I knew he would hit on me, but I guess I also wanted that, to be hit on, by anyone. I don't remember how dating came up, but he said something like "do you prefer older guys or younger guys?" to which I responded "I don't like any guys" and proceeded to tell him about valentines day. He said "Alot of women like older guys, because women are so much more mature than men" (this guy is like, 50.) I thought that was funny and I said "It is interesting for me to hear you discuss dating, because I would love to hear the perspective of a former NBA player, I mean you guys have like the worst record when it comes to women" he said "what about football players, or hockey players" so I said "fine, athletes in general" He of course said I was stereotyping, and of course I learned after googling his name that he was married during 2003, so he is probably married now.
After he went back to his seat he asked me for my number. I was happy to give it to him. I think it would be very cool to know a basketball coach. I wrote on the napkin "remember, I am a man hater" and when he asked about that I said "I don't like men, so this is 100% a friendship thing only" and then he said he didn't believe me, I said "I don't hate men 100%, I think men are worthy of friendship, but thats it" and he said (ewww) "well everybody gets lonely" and I said "yes, I do, but I can still live without men"
It's really kind of silly. Why else would he want to talk to me if not for sex. I know this fact and yet I carry on like he would actually want a platonic friendship. I guess the reason is I am curious. Curious and facinated. My roommate got on my nerves a little tonight because I looked him up a second time and she said "your still looking at that guy" and I'm like "yeah! wouldn't you?" she said she was "completely unimpressed." Unimpressed? Who said anything about impressed? Intrigued, hell yeah. But also, I think it is a little annoying to act like it's not a big deal. You don't get to meet people who were in the news every day, so even if they arent a figure one would want to emulate, that doesn't make them any less interesting, hell, it makes them MORE interesting!
I just saw the movie "Factory Girl" tonight. First off, I am totally inspired. Watching it made me want to be the old me, and helped me recognize that I am not depressed anymore, that I am the old me now, I am just not expressing it. I am very inspired to be FAB. U. LOUS.
I also got all religious about my experience today. I thought (oh god, now I am embarrassed to even recount it) that maybe god put me in this man's path so I could point out that he shouldn't use drugs (yes these were my actual thoughts) I thought that I have a way of touching people, and that he is probably used to getting used, and maybe doesn't have anybody. It really is sad that he probably uses drugs (he does drink, for sure) because he is very kind.
But now I am feeling SOOO dumb, because HELLO! Drug users are just that. USERS. I lived with a cokehead as a roommate once, and of course, an alcoholic, my dad. A friendly suggestion that "you are too special of a person to hurt yourself with those bad drugs" has never worked. I, my friends, am star-struck stupid. Oh geez.
It's that, but also, I love having an interesting life. I love having stories about the interesting (in so many ways) people I have met. To get to say you chatted on the phone with a person who was in the news, that's interesting to me. Maybe that says bad things about me. I'm not sure. I don't think I am doing him any harm, I guess except the fact that I am facinated, so in a way am entertained by his personal downfall. But in my defense I nievely fantasized about being the voice of reason that would inspire him to take care of himself BWAH HA HA HA HA! I am sorry! I just have to laugh at myself. Sometimes my mind is like a made for TV movie.
What a life I lead.
An afterthought: You know what. I did connect with this guy today. Our conversation was meaningful, and he really did inspire me (as any good coach would.) I don't think that my fantasy of helping him was that off base. I think having a person genuinely say "how are things going?" can be meaningful to anyone. We all want someone to care.
Overdoing it
Okay, side note…
I just spoke with a former NBA player, who is now a semi-pro basketball coach who gave me his card, so I can go to a basketball game if I overnight in his city! I meet cool people in my job J
So, back to more depression/anxiety talk…
I figured it out right after I turned off my computer. Here’s my pattern. I am depressed for a very long time, once I get out of my depression I feel frustrated by how much living I have missed while depressed, so I try to cram it all in, I overwhelm myself, and then get depressed again. And why wouldn’t I overwhelm myself, after feeling so weak for so long, having the energy to live makes me feel superhuman! I feel like I could get a PHD in a month, because I can read a book so easily (as long as it isn’t 100 years of Solitude) when before it was so hard.
So the trick is, live my life to the fullest, but not overfull. Live a manageable life, with room for mistakes and flaws, don’t try to make up for lost time, just start where I am. Know that I am not superhuman, but I am also not useless and talent less. Challenge myself, but incrementally, not huge changes all at once.
I think the first step should be to take a class. A psych class at a community college. Or maybe I should be working towards an Associate’s degree so my credits don’t expire. Hmm. But that should be it. I shouldn’t add another class, or another project, just that one class, plus the socializing, housekeeping, healthy eating and exercise, and therapy and medication that all keep me stable.
I really think this is amazing. I got dumped a week ago, I broke up with the man I thought I’d marry 2 months ago, and I can already see myself turning this into a positive. I think I have been very healthy in admitting that I am hurt, and allowing myself, even encouraging myself to be sad, but I also am impressed with my ability to see the silver lining. If anyone reading this thinks “I wish I could be like that, but I always see the negative” I will tell you it is a choice. At first it seems phony. You are saying “I deserve good things” but you really feel like you are lying, but you have to think this way to get better. After awhile, you start believing it a little bit, and then more and more. And the more you start seeing the positive, the less threatening the mental illness becomes. Suddenly you see the “light at the end of the tunnel” and you know that the more you see the positive, the better off you will be, and over time it becomes second nature.
I still can’t believe what a difference therapy has made in my mental health. I feel like before I started therapy I was just floating around, at the mercy of whatever the world threw at me, now I feel in control of my future. I know I cant have my future EXACTLY the way I imagine it, but sometimes we are wrong in the things we think we need.
I just spoke with a former NBA player, who is now a semi-pro basketball coach who gave me his card, so I can go to a basketball game if I overnight in his city! I meet cool people in my job J
So, back to more depression/anxiety talk…
I figured it out right after I turned off my computer. Here’s my pattern. I am depressed for a very long time, once I get out of my depression I feel frustrated by how much living I have missed while depressed, so I try to cram it all in, I overwhelm myself, and then get depressed again. And why wouldn’t I overwhelm myself, after feeling so weak for so long, having the energy to live makes me feel superhuman! I feel like I could get a PHD in a month, because I can read a book so easily (as long as it isn’t 100 years of Solitude) when before it was so hard.
So the trick is, live my life to the fullest, but not overfull. Live a manageable life, with room for mistakes and flaws, don’t try to make up for lost time, just start where I am. Know that I am not superhuman, but I am also not useless and talent less. Challenge myself, but incrementally, not huge changes all at once.
I think the first step should be to take a class. A psych class at a community college. Or maybe I should be working towards an Associate’s degree so my credits don’t expire. Hmm. But that should be it. I shouldn’t add another class, or another project, just that one class, plus the socializing, housekeeping, healthy eating and exercise, and therapy and medication that all keep me stable.
I really think this is amazing. I got dumped a week ago, I broke up with the man I thought I’d marry 2 months ago, and I can already see myself turning this into a positive. I think I have been very healthy in admitting that I am hurt, and allowing myself, even encouraging myself to be sad, but I also am impressed with my ability to see the silver lining. If anyone reading this thinks “I wish I could be like that, but I always see the negative” I will tell you it is a choice. At first it seems phony. You are saying “I deserve good things” but you really feel like you are lying, but you have to think this way to get better. After awhile, you start believing it a little bit, and then more and more. And the more you start seeing the positive, the less threatening the mental illness becomes. Suddenly you see the “light at the end of the tunnel” and you know that the more you see the positive, the better off you will be, and over time it becomes second nature.
I still can’t believe what a difference therapy has made in my mental health. I feel like before I started therapy I was just floating around, at the mercy of whatever the world threw at me, now I feel in control of my future. I know I cant have my future EXACTLY the way I imagine it, but sometimes we are wrong in the things we think we need.
Sunday, February 18, 2007
Death of a Dream
My dream for my career was a simple one. I wanted to work only part time, and be a stay at home parent full time. I wanted to dedicate my life to having a strong, solid nuclear family. I wanted to spend my time growing and cooking organic foods, I wanted to spend my time helping my children learn, and grow as ethical people, I wanted the strong, solid family that I missed out on as a child.
When my relationship with Charles died, so did this dream. This dream is too dependant on the power of love, and I feel like now I am more in touch with love’s fallibility. I really thought that in Charles, I had someone who was on my side. I thought that his love for me was so strong that if I needed him, he would do what it took to keep me happy. My expectations were never much, even more reason for him to be there when I needed him.
But all it took was for him to get busy. All I asked for was for some e-mails telling me about his life. All I asked was to be included in his life. That is not a lot for a woman, who was faithful to him for 5 months, to ask. He not only didn’t come through, he dismissed my needs. Now that he’s back he wants to try to spark things back up, but only because it requires nothing of him but to enjoy me. Love failed.
If there was any glimmer of hope left in me that love was a possibility, Alan squashed that. No, I didn’t love him, nor did he love me, but he showed me the extreme ability a person has to hurt you if you let your heart be vulnerable. This is of course why people don’t suggest rebound relationships, because I feel like I have been hit with a double whammy.
My dream of running a nuclear family unfortunately depends on the strength of love. If love fails, the family breaks up, and I am no longer a full time mom with a part time job on the side, I become a full time single mom with a part time job on the side. If I am too fearful of being a full time mom with a full time job, then I can’t be a single mom. If love fails me then I am in a harder situation than being alone.
I can live my dream to a minor extent. I can cook organic food for myself, but the difference is it is harder to create this dream life when I have a full time job occupying my time. But that’s okay. I can just do my best, just like a parent does with their kids. And it is wrong to say I want a recipient of my work, because I am a worthy recipient.
That is one thing that was great about having Alan in my life. I always cleaned my room before he came over, so I became a girl with a clean room! I like being that girl! I have lost Alan, but that doesn’t mean I have to lose the girl I was with Alan. My room was clean, I felt confident and appealing, worthy of affection. I can still feel that way if I decide to. Him being my life was simply validation of these things, he did not give them to me.
I think getting hurt so bad twice in a row is a good thing. Let it happen now, not after I have had kids and put all my eggs in the husband basket. And let’s face it, I had ALL my eggs in the husband basket. It was really idealistic of me, a strange behavior coming from a child of not only divorce, but the child of a man who failed me and my mother so extremely. I think Charles and Alan have slapped some sense into me in that way, and I am lucky to get the message while I am young and childless.
And my biological clock is not necessarily ticking. I can still adopt, or adopt foster kids, but hell, what an expensive choice, right?
Love being the core of marriage is a relatively new concept, and sometimes a silly one. It’s not silly for love to be the foundation, but to expect to remain “in love” throughout a marriage, especially while kids are involved, is really pretty unrealistic. I am not sure why I, a person who has been dealt many blows in life, would be so irrational all of a sudden. Maybe I wanted to be saved from my past. Maybe I was putting hope in a future that would erase my past. Maybe the fantasy of an ideal nuclear family intoxicated me so I wasn’t in touch with reality. But I am now.
So what shall be my new dream?
When my relationship with Charles died, so did this dream. This dream is too dependant on the power of love, and I feel like now I am more in touch with love’s fallibility. I really thought that in Charles, I had someone who was on my side. I thought that his love for me was so strong that if I needed him, he would do what it took to keep me happy. My expectations were never much, even more reason for him to be there when I needed him.
But all it took was for him to get busy. All I asked for was for some e-mails telling me about his life. All I asked was to be included in his life. That is not a lot for a woman, who was faithful to him for 5 months, to ask. He not only didn’t come through, he dismissed my needs. Now that he’s back he wants to try to spark things back up, but only because it requires nothing of him but to enjoy me. Love failed.
If there was any glimmer of hope left in me that love was a possibility, Alan squashed that. No, I didn’t love him, nor did he love me, but he showed me the extreme ability a person has to hurt you if you let your heart be vulnerable. This is of course why people don’t suggest rebound relationships, because I feel like I have been hit with a double whammy.
My dream of running a nuclear family unfortunately depends on the strength of love. If love fails, the family breaks up, and I am no longer a full time mom with a part time job on the side, I become a full time single mom with a part time job on the side. If I am too fearful of being a full time mom with a full time job, then I can’t be a single mom. If love fails me then I am in a harder situation than being alone.
I can live my dream to a minor extent. I can cook organic food for myself, but the difference is it is harder to create this dream life when I have a full time job occupying my time. But that’s okay. I can just do my best, just like a parent does with their kids. And it is wrong to say I want a recipient of my work, because I am a worthy recipient.
That is one thing that was great about having Alan in my life. I always cleaned my room before he came over, so I became a girl with a clean room! I like being that girl! I have lost Alan, but that doesn’t mean I have to lose the girl I was with Alan. My room was clean, I felt confident and appealing, worthy of affection. I can still feel that way if I decide to. Him being my life was simply validation of these things, he did not give them to me.
I think getting hurt so bad twice in a row is a good thing. Let it happen now, not after I have had kids and put all my eggs in the husband basket. And let’s face it, I had ALL my eggs in the husband basket. It was really idealistic of me, a strange behavior coming from a child of not only divorce, but the child of a man who failed me and my mother so extremely. I think Charles and Alan have slapped some sense into me in that way, and I am lucky to get the message while I am young and childless.
And my biological clock is not necessarily ticking. I can still adopt, or adopt foster kids, but hell, what an expensive choice, right?
Love being the core of marriage is a relatively new concept, and sometimes a silly one. It’s not silly for love to be the foundation, but to expect to remain “in love” throughout a marriage, especially while kids are involved, is really pretty unrealistic. I am not sure why I, a person who has been dealt many blows in life, would be so irrational all of a sudden. Maybe I wanted to be saved from my past. Maybe I was putting hope in a future that would erase my past. Maybe the fantasy of an ideal nuclear family intoxicated me so I wasn’t in touch with reality. But I am now.
So what shall be my new dream?
Saturday, February 17, 2007
A great quote from the aptly titled "CLUELESS"
"If I'm too good for him, how come I'm not with him?"
-Diana, oops, I mean Ty
-Diana, oops, I mean Ty
I want Alan back
Yup, you heard me, I want him back.
Would I call him? Hell no. Would I accept him back if he asked? Hell no. Am I better off without him, probably. I still want him back.
Are my feelings projection from my breakup with Charles? Am I missing Alan because he filled up the hole that was left when I broke up with Charles? I don't know. Last night I had my chance to have Charles back, so if it was really him I was missing, then being with Charles should have made the painful feelings go away.
Is it the sex I miss, yeah, mostly. But I really liked that he was into music and fit in so well in Uptown. He was sort of a hipster, and I feel like that is who I feel connected with.
The worst part was how he did it! Oh my god! I had asked him specifically if he saw us together for awhile, if not this was his chance to say maybe not! Why couldn't he just break up with me? I am so humiliated!
One thing my roommate suggested was that this was revenge for me having Marathon Man visit me. Did I mention that on our first date he accidentaly said something about us dating forever. I think my being all hypersexual starting on our third date is what blew it. I forgot to maintian mystery. -yes, that is when he started being weird, or maybe I was being weird. Also, I gained 4 pounds.
I feel really foolish, and I can see what kind of person he is, but yet I still wish it hadn't ended! Is that unhealthy or what? I don't know.
WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! I really wish I could cry again! I have work in 40 minutes so I wont push it out. I am so sad and humiliated...and LONELY!!!!!!!
Would I call him? Hell no. Would I accept him back if he asked? Hell no. Am I better off without him, probably. I still want him back.
Are my feelings projection from my breakup with Charles? Am I missing Alan because he filled up the hole that was left when I broke up with Charles? I don't know. Last night I had my chance to have Charles back, so if it was really him I was missing, then being with Charles should have made the painful feelings go away.
Is it the sex I miss, yeah, mostly. But I really liked that he was into music and fit in so well in Uptown. He was sort of a hipster, and I feel like that is who I feel connected with.
The worst part was how he did it! Oh my god! I had asked him specifically if he saw us together for awhile, if not this was his chance to say maybe not! Why couldn't he just break up with me? I am so humiliated!
One thing my roommate suggested was that this was revenge for me having Marathon Man visit me. Did I mention that on our first date he accidentaly said something about us dating forever. I think my being all hypersexual starting on our third date is what blew it. I forgot to maintian mystery. -yes, that is when he started being weird, or maybe I was being weird. Also, I gained 4 pounds.
I feel really foolish, and I can see what kind of person he is, but yet I still wish it hadn't ended! Is that unhealthy or what? I don't know.
WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! I really wish I could cry again! I have work in 40 minutes so I wont push it out. I am so sad and humiliated...and LONELY!!!!!!!
Rejection
In my analysis of what upsets me about losing Alan/Dwight I have forgotten a big element…I have been REJECTED! Yes, I have lost a sex partner and someone to joke around with and go on dates with, but a big hit, maybe the biggest, is to my confidence! Yeah, I got rejected by a guy who looks like a combination between Dwight Shrute from the office and Jack Nicholson. Yup. He would make this weird face sometimes where one of his eyebrows was cocked, and his lip would lift up like elvis, really sortof weird looking. And when he drove, he wore REALLY UGLY glasses, yup, and THAT GUY rejected me! DAAAAAAAMN!
So now I am walking around feeling unattractive, although outside evidence suggests otherwise. My neighbor wants my bod, Charles wants my bod, my roommates horny sex-addict friend wanted my bod the other night, so I must not be that heinous. I just know I have to take off these 3 pounds I have gained, maybe a few more, this is so important to my confidence.
So now I am walking around feeling unattractive, although outside evidence suggests otherwise. My neighbor wants my bod, Charles wants my bod, my roommates horny sex-addict friend wanted my bod the other night, so I must not be that heinous. I just know I have to take off these 3 pounds I have gained, maybe a few more, this is so important to my confidence.
Friday, February 16, 2007
Charles
Tonight Charles came over. I was SOOOO tired when he showed up, due to a lack of sleep and dehydration (see, I'm learning!) so at first I was just burnt out, I could hardly carry on a conversation, but after a couple of cups of tea I came back to life a bit.
We ate food that came from a Somali restaurant we used to go to together, and he had beer (I would have passed out if I drank any alcohol) and then we watched a movie.
We cuddled, and gave each other footrubs and backrubs. He of course tried to take it further, and we talked more about it, mostly that I don't want to lead him on. He asked if I already met another man, so I got to tell him a little about Alan. he kept making comments, like one about our child, about going to my bed, and a specific request for "world peace" (our cute euphamism for, you can guess.) But although it felt nice to cuddle and be stroked affectionatly I felt no temptation to go farther. I really am out of love with him, I love him still, and I am sure other nights will be harder, but I know the break up was right, and that once he meets another girl he will have an easier time of it.
Now I have to clean and pack, but I am so burnt out! Well better tonight than tomorrow morning, where I could be late for work.
We ate food that came from a Somali restaurant we used to go to together, and he had beer (I would have passed out if I drank any alcohol) and then we watched a movie.
We cuddled, and gave each other footrubs and backrubs. He of course tried to take it further, and we talked more about it, mostly that I don't want to lead him on. He asked if I already met another man, so I got to tell him a little about Alan. he kept making comments, like one about our child, about going to my bed, and a specific request for "world peace" (our cute euphamism for, you can guess.) But although it felt nice to cuddle and be stroked affectionatly I felt no temptation to go farther. I really am out of love with him, I love him still, and I am sure other nights will be harder, but I know the break up was right, and that once he meets another girl he will have an easier time of it.
Now I have to clean and pack, but I am so burnt out! Well better tonight than tomorrow morning, where I could be late for work.
Feels so good!
I just went to the gym, halfway on a whim. I put on the workout gear but then decided I shouldn't go because I have had so little sleep, but when at the pharmacy I just drove past my house to the gym.
And good thing, Ullrick was there and had I not seen him, I might have lost my sessions. He hasn't followed through well at all, and now it turns out that he is starting a new club of his own, so I bet my sessions would have fallen through the cracks with him. I am going to have to be on his case. By the way, he looks like he is losing a little bulk, he looks so much better, more human, but his arms are still weird.
Uh, my fartlek was so great! On the running intervals my heartrate hardly went up. I usually do 3.5 walking for 2 minutes then 5.o running for 2, and I only do it for 20 minutes + a cool down because I want working out to be associated with fast and easy in my head. I want it to be something I can just run in and do real quick. I did a 6.0 interval and it just felt like heaven, I can see myself in the future running at 6.0 (10 minute mile) for the whole 20 minutes :)
And maybe I am feeling so great because I cried yesterday? Seriously, I wonder if thats the case. Maybe it has something to do with me being super tired, I can get a little high on life when I haven't slept enough.
Anyway, I am going to go out more often, and work out more often :)
And good thing, Ullrick was there and had I not seen him, I might have lost my sessions. He hasn't followed through well at all, and now it turns out that he is starting a new club of his own, so I bet my sessions would have fallen through the cracks with him. I am going to have to be on his case. By the way, he looks like he is losing a little bulk, he looks so much better, more human, but his arms are still weird.
Uh, my fartlek was so great! On the running intervals my heartrate hardly went up. I usually do 3.5 walking for 2 minutes then 5.o running for 2, and I only do it for 20 minutes + a cool down because I want working out to be associated with fast and easy in my head. I want it to be something I can just run in and do real quick. I did a 6.0 interval and it just felt like heaven, I can see myself in the future running at 6.0 (10 minute mile) for the whole 20 minutes :)
And maybe I am feeling so great because I cried yesterday? Seriously, I wonder if thats the case. Maybe it has something to do with me being super tired, I can get a little high on life when I haven't slept enough.
Anyway, I am going to go out more often, and work out more often :)
The best thing that happened yesterday
I think the best thing that happened yesterday was crying about my mom.
Why am I depressed? Because I don't make a lot of money? Because I don't have a boyfriend? No, because I don't have a mom. I had someone who made me the first priority in their life and had that taken away. I feel continually depressed because I feel unimportant, since I am not important to anyone as people are to their Mothers. I continually feel down because she's gone, I just dont realize that thats what I am sad about because I have felt it for 20 years, so it feels just normal.
Alan being gone (besides making a fool of me) hurts not because of the loss of our relationship, but because of the loss of physical touch and attention. Something I lost when my mom died. Charles filled that hole in me better than anyone ever has. He is so pure and full of love. I wish so much I could live without good sex. But I can't, and if I got back with Charles I would eventually stray, or worse, resent him. Especially after he dismissed my feelings when he was in Kenya, as he surely would do again.
This is why I need male attention so much. I need to be important to someone. See, with that perspective these shallow relationships show themselves to be what they are.
Why am I depressed? Because I don't make a lot of money? Because I don't have a boyfriend? No, because I don't have a mom. I had someone who made me the first priority in their life and had that taken away. I feel continually depressed because I feel unimportant, since I am not important to anyone as people are to their Mothers. I continually feel down because she's gone, I just dont realize that thats what I am sad about because I have felt it for 20 years, so it feels just normal.
Alan being gone (besides making a fool of me) hurts not because of the loss of our relationship, but because of the loss of physical touch and attention. Something I lost when my mom died. Charles filled that hole in me better than anyone ever has. He is so pure and full of love. I wish so much I could live without good sex. But I can't, and if I got back with Charles I would eventually stray, or worse, resent him. Especially after he dismissed my feelings when he was in Kenya, as he surely would do again.
This is why I need male attention so much. I need to be important to someone. See, with that perspective these shallow relationships show themselves to be what they are.
9:44AM, A fucking miracle
Wow! Two days in a row! It's 9:44 and I am up, and what makes that a miracle? I went to bed at 5AM and drank alot, not as much as I suggested I had drank, but enough that being awake, and upright is a big deal. Uh, maybe though I am just still drunk, LOL!
Alan had a fantasy for goth girls, and so I was going to dress up like one and go to bondage a-go-go night, since I won't do this with Dwight, I mean Alan, I did it last night with my neighbor. While sober, I said "I want to say while we are sober that there should be no kissing, because it's not respectful to Francis" He didn't like the idea, but I am glad to have done it because I don't trust myself when I am drunk, especially right now when I am so dejected.
I dressed up with Chrissie Hynde hair and an all black rocker outfit. I thought I looked goth, roommate Jennifer and her friend Matthew said I didn't look goth. Anyway, My neighbor and I created characters, I was Thea, the burnout girl, and he was Jimmy Festivus, the guy I hung on for drugs.
We role played and it was so fun. I really felt in character, he said I scared him a little. Once we got to the bar I lost my nerve, mostly because I didn't want to be disrespectful of him in public. So I am "dancing like sex" as my roommate calls it, and I am realizing that I am desperate for male attention. I said that to my neighbor, I said "You realize I am addicted to male attention and I am using you for it, is that okay with you?"
I was dancing and then I look up, it's Jennifer and her friend Matthew!
Oh, I am just to tired to go into all of the fun that happened last night. To summarize, Jen and Matthew are old friends and have a special connection, they argue like a married couple, last night Matthew stayed over while Jen was having sex in the next room with an ecuadorian illegal immigrant and I was in the living room with Matthew, flirting up a storm with him and saying "you and Jennifer are in luuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuv, and you are going to get married and have 5 baaaaaaaabies." I was very calculated about that, I was pretending like it was a drunken outburst, when really it was reaching out for information. Then she was coming out of the room and suspected that him and I were making out! I was kind of annoyed at her for that, here I am doing reconnasance for her, being a really good friend, and she is visualising me as being a bad friend. But I was flirting with Matthew, and, judging him a little bit, I think he is addicted to female attention, so I think he WOULD HAVE if I let him, especially since the love of his life was in the next room with an Ecuadorian illegal immigrant.
I called her this morning, she said she had a lot of fun. I told her I am going to deal with this depression not by holing up this time, but by acting out.
One thing I really need to do is NOT GAIN WEIGHT! That would kill the little shread of self esteem I have left over. I think I am going to go to the gym, and then come home and take a nap.
One thing...I liked Thea. I liked dressing like her. I want to be her again!
Alan had a fantasy for goth girls, and so I was going to dress up like one and go to bondage a-go-go night, since I won't do this with Dwight, I mean Alan, I did it last night with my neighbor. While sober, I said "I want to say while we are sober that there should be no kissing, because it's not respectful to Francis" He didn't like the idea, but I am glad to have done it because I don't trust myself when I am drunk, especially right now when I am so dejected.
I dressed up with Chrissie Hynde hair and an all black rocker outfit. I thought I looked goth, roommate Jennifer and her friend Matthew said I didn't look goth. Anyway, My neighbor and I created characters, I was Thea, the burnout girl, and he was Jimmy Festivus, the guy I hung on for drugs.
We role played and it was so fun. I really felt in character, he said I scared him a little. Once we got to the bar I lost my nerve, mostly because I didn't want to be disrespectful of him in public. So I am "dancing like sex" as my roommate calls it, and I am realizing that I am desperate for male attention. I said that to my neighbor, I said "You realize I am addicted to male attention and I am using you for it, is that okay with you?"
I was dancing and then I look up, it's Jennifer and her friend Matthew!
Oh, I am just to tired to go into all of the fun that happened last night. To summarize, Jen and Matthew are old friends and have a special connection, they argue like a married couple, last night Matthew stayed over while Jen was having sex in the next room with an ecuadorian illegal immigrant and I was in the living room with Matthew, flirting up a storm with him and saying "you and Jennifer are in luuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuv, and you are going to get married and have 5 baaaaaaaabies." I was very calculated about that, I was pretending like it was a drunken outburst, when really it was reaching out for information. Then she was coming out of the room and suspected that him and I were making out! I was kind of annoyed at her for that, here I am doing reconnasance for her, being a really good friend, and she is visualising me as being a bad friend. But I was flirting with Matthew, and, judging him a little bit, I think he is addicted to female attention, so I think he WOULD HAVE if I let him, especially since the love of his life was in the next room with an Ecuadorian illegal immigrant.
I called her this morning, she said she had a lot of fun. I told her I am going to deal with this depression not by holing up this time, but by acting out.
One thing I really need to do is NOT GAIN WEIGHT! That would kill the little shread of self esteem I have left over. I think I am going to go to the gym, and then come home and take a nap.
One thing...I liked Thea. I liked dressing like her. I want to be her again!
Thursday, February 15, 2007
Everytime I saw the Dwight character, I thought of Alan
Yup, Alan looks a little like Dwight mixed with Jack Nicholson
Ha ha
I'm missing out
His Apology
The message went something like this...
"Hi, this is Alan
I am so sorry
I have been so mean
You deserve so much better than this
It's not your fault
I'm just so busy right now, I have got so much on my mind, I just cant have another person in my life
I don't know, its weird
I don't know why I am so selfish
I hope everything is okay and that you take care of yourself
You deserve so much better, and I hope you find it
Bye"
It was delivered in the exact same tone as absolutely everything else he says. I can see him with a half grin on his face and an eyebrow arched up as he says it, because that is how he always talks. I liked the message, I deserved an apology in the least, but for the love of god, wouldn't this be better delivered the day after he met the new girl, not the day after my ruined Valentine's day?
Oh well. Glad I got it, I hope he feels like shit.
"Hi, this is Alan
I am so sorry
I have been so mean
You deserve so much better than this
It's not your fault
I'm just so busy right now, I have got so much on my mind, I just cant have another person in my life
I don't know, its weird
I don't know why I am so selfish
I hope everything is okay and that you take care of yourself
You deserve so much better, and I hope you find it
Bye"
It was delivered in the exact same tone as absolutely everything else he says. I can see him with a half grin on his face and an eyebrow arched up as he says it, because that is how he always talks. I liked the message, I deserved an apology in the least, but for the love of god, wouldn't this be better delivered the day after he met the new girl, not the day after my ruined Valentine's day?
Oh well. Glad I got it, I hope he feels like shit.
Wanting Memories-Sweet Honey in the Rock
I laid in bed and spoke to my "mommy." I cried.
WANTING MEMORIES………(YSAYE MARIA BARNWELL)
I AM SITTING HERE WANTING MEMORIES TO TEACH ME
TO SEE THE BEAUTY IN THE WORLD THROUGH MY OWN EYES (REPEAT)
YOU USED TO ROCK ME IN THE CRADLE OF YOUR ARMS
YOU SAID YOU'D HOLD ME TILL THE PAINS OF LIFE WERE GONE
YOU SAID YOU'D COMFORT ME IN TIMES LIKE THESE
AND NOW I NEED YOU
NOW I NEED YOU AND YOU ARE GONE
I AM SITTING HERE WANTING MEMORIES TO TEACH ME
TO SEE THE BEAUTY IN THE WORLD THROUGH MY OWN EYES
SINCE YOU'VE GONE AND LEFT ME
THERES BEEN SO LITTLE BEAUTY
THAT I KNOW I SAW IT CLEARLY THROUGH YOUR EYES
NOW THE WORLD OUTSIDE IS SUCH A COLD AND BITTER PLACE
HERE INSIDE I HAVE FEW THINGS THAT WILL CONSOLE
AND WHEN I TRY TO HEAR YOUR VOICE ABOVE THE STORMS OF LIFE
THEN I REMEMBER ALL THE THINGS THAT I WAS TOLD
I AM SITTING HERE WANTING MEMORIES TO TEACH ME
TO SEE THE BEAUTY IN THE WORLD THROUGH MY OWN EYES(REPEAT)
I THINK ON THE THINGS THAT MADE ME FEEL SO WONDERFUL WHEN I WAS YOUNG
I THINK ON THE THINGS THAT MADE ME LAUGH, MADE ME DANCE, MADE ME SING
I THINK ON THE THINGS THAT MADE ME GROW INTO A BEING FULL OF PRIDE
I THINK ON THESE THINGS, FOR THEY ARE TRUE
I AM SITTING HERE WANTING MEMORIES TO TEACH ME
TO SEE THE BEAUTY IN THE WORLD THROUGH MY OWN EYES
I THOUGHT THAT YOU WERE GONE BUT NOW I KNOW YOU'RE WITH ME
YOU ARE THE VOICE THAT WHISPERS ALL I NEED TO HEAR
I KNOW A PLEASE A THANK YOU AND A SMILE WILL TAKE ME FAR
I KNOW THAT I AM YOU AND YOU ARE ME AND WE ARE ONE
I KNOW THAT WHO I AM IS NUMBERED IN EACH GRAIN OF SAND
I KNOW THAT I'VE BEEN BLESSED AGAIN AND OVER AGAIN
I AM SITTING HERE WANTING MEMORIES TO TEACH ME
TO SEE THE BEAUTY IN THE WORLD THROUGH MY OWN EYES
WANTING MEMORIES………(YSAYE MARIA BARNWELL)
I AM SITTING HERE WANTING MEMORIES TO TEACH ME
TO SEE THE BEAUTY IN THE WORLD THROUGH MY OWN EYES (REPEAT)
YOU USED TO ROCK ME IN THE CRADLE OF YOUR ARMS
YOU SAID YOU'D HOLD ME TILL THE PAINS OF LIFE WERE GONE
YOU SAID YOU'D COMFORT ME IN TIMES LIKE THESE
AND NOW I NEED YOU
NOW I NEED YOU AND YOU ARE GONE
I AM SITTING HERE WANTING MEMORIES TO TEACH ME
TO SEE THE BEAUTY IN THE WORLD THROUGH MY OWN EYES
SINCE YOU'VE GONE AND LEFT ME
THERES BEEN SO LITTLE BEAUTY
THAT I KNOW I SAW IT CLEARLY THROUGH YOUR EYES
NOW THE WORLD OUTSIDE IS SUCH A COLD AND BITTER PLACE
HERE INSIDE I HAVE FEW THINGS THAT WILL CONSOLE
AND WHEN I TRY TO HEAR YOUR VOICE ABOVE THE STORMS OF LIFE
THEN I REMEMBER ALL THE THINGS THAT I WAS TOLD
I AM SITTING HERE WANTING MEMORIES TO TEACH ME
TO SEE THE BEAUTY IN THE WORLD THROUGH MY OWN EYES(REPEAT)
I THINK ON THE THINGS THAT MADE ME FEEL SO WONDERFUL WHEN I WAS YOUNG
I THINK ON THE THINGS THAT MADE ME LAUGH, MADE ME DANCE, MADE ME SING
I THINK ON THE THINGS THAT MADE ME GROW INTO A BEING FULL OF PRIDE
I THINK ON THESE THINGS, FOR THEY ARE TRUE
I AM SITTING HERE WANTING MEMORIES TO TEACH ME
TO SEE THE BEAUTY IN THE WORLD THROUGH MY OWN EYES
I THOUGHT THAT YOU WERE GONE BUT NOW I KNOW YOU'RE WITH ME
YOU ARE THE VOICE THAT WHISPERS ALL I NEED TO HEAR
I KNOW A PLEASE A THANK YOU AND A SMILE WILL TAKE ME FAR
I KNOW THAT I AM YOU AND YOU ARE ME AND WE ARE ONE
I KNOW THAT WHO I AM IS NUMBERED IN EACH GRAIN OF SAND
I KNOW THAT I'VE BEEN BLESSED AGAIN AND OVER AGAIN
I AM SITTING HERE WANTING MEMORIES TO TEACH ME
TO SEE THE BEAUTY IN THE WORLD THROUGH MY OWN EYES
Gotta Cry
Oh my god I really need to cry. If I don't I swear I will put on a brave face for another few days, and the depression will set in.
That's my pattern I think! I don't cry, so when things upset me I just suck them up and eventually my mind and body shuts down.
So how can I cry? I regret so much the day I was in high school, sitting in my bedroom, and I said to myself "you have to stop crying over your dad's drinking. You have to toughen up and take care of yourself because you are all you have" and I stopped crying after that.
Last night I was almost able to cry as I was remembering my mom. I was remembering having someone who made me their priority. Someone once considered me, and my well being very important. That almost makes me cry because imagining that seems so foriegn to me. Someone taking care of me, and me being able to relax and let them. Once she died I became a burden. Given a TV and allowed to sit in front of it in my room, and on my summer vacations. No one was demanding I go to a camp or play with my friends, I was no longer a priority, I was this thing like "what do we do with this?" Fucking children parading around pretending to be adults. Why the fuck do you reproduce if parenthood is such a challenge to you?
Well, the tears are close, but still not coming. I am going to try to relax and take a nap. I have done a good job today. I deposited a check, picked up some wine from trader joe's, and worked out. I am going to take it easy and hopefully I can mourn a little while.
And side note...I am seeing Charles tomorrow. I hurt to imagine he hurts, I feel bad like I did something wrong, but now, he is willing to be my friend. Who the fuck is he being willing to be my friend? Why doesn't it hurt him too much? FUCK HIM FUCK HIM FUCK ALAN FUCK MY DAD FUCK MY MOM FOR DYING FUCK PASSENGERS WHO DONT FOLLOW RULES FUCK MY TRAINER FOR NOT SETTING UP AN APPOINTMENT FUCK MY ROOMMATE FOR BEING PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE FUCK MY BODY FOR BEING FAT FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!
I just want to be happy! Or not even happy, I just want to live, without being afraid that depression or anxiety is going to jump out and bite me. I just want to relax and live my life day to day, without having to think of the dire consequenses of making mistakes. I just want to be able to feel sad about getting stood up (and may I add USED) by Alan and about being blown off by Charles, instead of being so stoic about it. I want so much to just feel the pain. Feel it Diana, pretending it's not there will not make it go away...it will eat you up if you aren't brave enough to stop pretending to be brave.
UHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Gunna go to bed, and hopefully cry.
That's my pattern I think! I don't cry, so when things upset me I just suck them up and eventually my mind and body shuts down.
So how can I cry? I regret so much the day I was in high school, sitting in my bedroom, and I said to myself "you have to stop crying over your dad's drinking. You have to toughen up and take care of yourself because you are all you have" and I stopped crying after that.
Last night I was almost able to cry as I was remembering my mom. I was remembering having someone who made me their priority. Someone once considered me, and my well being very important. That almost makes me cry because imagining that seems so foriegn to me. Someone taking care of me, and me being able to relax and let them. Once she died I became a burden. Given a TV and allowed to sit in front of it in my room, and on my summer vacations. No one was demanding I go to a camp or play with my friends, I was no longer a priority, I was this thing like "what do we do with this?" Fucking children parading around pretending to be adults. Why the fuck do you reproduce if parenthood is such a challenge to you?
Well, the tears are close, but still not coming. I am going to try to relax and take a nap. I have done a good job today. I deposited a check, picked up some wine from trader joe's, and worked out. I am going to take it easy and hopefully I can mourn a little while.
And side note...I am seeing Charles tomorrow. I hurt to imagine he hurts, I feel bad like I did something wrong, but now, he is willing to be my friend. Who the fuck is he being willing to be my friend? Why doesn't it hurt him too much? FUCK HIM FUCK HIM FUCK ALAN FUCK MY DAD FUCK MY MOM FOR DYING FUCK PASSENGERS WHO DONT FOLLOW RULES FUCK MY TRAINER FOR NOT SETTING UP AN APPOINTMENT FUCK MY ROOMMATE FOR BEING PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE FUCK MY BODY FOR BEING FAT FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!
I just want to be happy! Or not even happy, I just want to live, without being afraid that depression or anxiety is going to jump out and bite me. I just want to relax and live my life day to day, without having to think of the dire consequenses of making mistakes. I just want to be able to feel sad about getting stood up (and may I add USED) by Alan and about being blown off by Charles, instead of being so stoic about it. I want so much to just feel the pain. Feel it Diana, pretending it's not there will not make it go away...it will eat you up if you aren't brave enough to stop pretending to be brave.
UHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Gunna go to bed, and hopefully cry.
The day after being stood up on Valentine's day
I got up at 8:30 this morning, voluntarily. Can I tell you how great that is? I have been getting up at 11, even 12 lately, which has really upset me. Setting the alarm for 9 just wouldn't work, I would press "off" and go right back to sleep. So somehow I got up at 8:30 this morning, that is so great.
Last night I thought of a few things about Alan. One, I knew I wasn't getting what I felt I deserved, but I knew I wasn't strong enough to cut it off just yet, well this event forced me to do it, to not stretch it out.
The second thing I thought about is the fact that he told me he did a lot of drugs, every one in the book, and he doesn't do them anymore, but when I asked him what changed he didn't have a specific reason or event that inspired stopping, just that he lost interest in the lifestyle and people. The other night we were chatting and he said someone gave him an adderal at work. I'm thinking...I thought you don't take drugs anymore. I commented on it, "thats illegal" and he didn't seem to be bothered by that. I am not saying that he is taking drugs now, I am just saying he has a mindset that could be vulnerable. He got out without getting addicted to the hardest of drugs, so he may think he has nothing to fear.
So what have I really lost? Well, honestly, a sex partner. That really is the core of why I was excited to be with him. I did like him, really, I did, but when I talked to Charles I felt so warm, calm, and like my best self. With Alan I felt nice, because I am getting sex and affection, but I didn't feel disarmed, quite the opposite, I felt on guard a bit, so I am not losing that much.
And the other thing I am losing...grrrr, the ego boost of having a man in my life. It means I am not ugly. It means I am desireable. It means I am not doomed to die alone. Or at least it quiets those voices a little bit. That is probably what I will miss the most, second to sex, but a close tie.
Am I saying I am glad it happened? Hell no, but I am realizing that in lifes funny way I got what was best for me, even if it's not what I would choose for myself.
Now I am watching Me, myself, and Irene, a consolation gift from my brief relationship with Alan. It is about an overly nice guy who gets shit on one time to many, and totally loses it. This could be a great movie for me ;)
Last night I thought of a few things about Alan. One, I knew I wasn't getting what I felt I deserved, but I knew I wasn't strong enough to cut it off just yet, well this event forced me to do it, to not stretch it out.
The second thing I thought about is the fact that he told me he did a lot of drugs, every one in the book, and he doesn't do them anymore, but when I asked him what changed he didn't have a specific reason or event that inspired stopping, just that he lost interest in the lifestyle and people. The other night we were chatting and he said someone gave him an adderal at work. I'm thinking...I thought you don't take drugs anymore. I commented on it, "thats illegal" and he didn't seem to be bothered by that. I am not saying that he is taking drugs now, I am just saying he has a mindset that could be vulnerable. He got out without getting addicted to the hardest of drugs, so he may think he has nothing to fear.
So what have I really lost? Well, honestly, a sex partner. That really is the core of why I was excited to be with him. I did like him, really, I did, but when I talked to Charles I felt so warm, calm, and like my best self. With Alan I felt nice, because I am getting sex and affection, but I didn't feel disarmed, quite the opposite, I felt on guard a bit, so I am not losing that much.
And the other thing I am losing...grrrr, the ego boost of having a man in my life. It means I am not ugly. It means I am desireable. It means I am not doomed to die alone. Or at least it quiets those voices a little bit. That is probably what I will miss the most, second to sex, but a close tie.
Am I saying I am glad it happened? Hell no, but I am realizing that in lifes funny way I got what was best for me, even if it's not what I would choose for myself.
Now I am watching Me, myself, and Irene, a consolation gift from my brief relationship with Alan. It is about an overly nice guy who gets shit on one time to many, and totally loses it. This could be a great movie for me ;)
Wednesday, February 14, 2007
Love Affair
Very appropriately, I had an amazing thought on the flight the other day. It is my dream to be a stay-at-home mommy, and I am excited and eager to get married so I can. I love the idea of cooking healthy meals, cleaning the house, and doing lots of stimulating activities.
But look at what happened with Charles. I had my heart set on him, invested so much energy into him, and it fell through. Depending on love is not a very secure thing to do. If I get divorced, my dream of being a wife and mother is dashed.
So I need to turn it into a reality, not wait to be married. All of these plans I had to do for my family I need to do for myself.
I need to cook for myself, clean as if I am a worthy audience to appreciate it, and go to the stimulating events I would take my child to. Life is too valuable to wait for something that may or may not happen to begin it. And dreaming of being a housewife is a very achievable dream! Many people dream of being pilots, but they cant fly planes without years of study and lots of money. If I want to be domestic I can, it wont require any schooling or money, it only requires me to feel I am a worthy recipient of my efforts.
I want to be a mother and a doting wife, why not start by being a mother to myself and by doting on myself?
But look at what happened with Charles. I had my heart set on him, invested so much energy into him, and it fell through. Depending on love is not a very secure thing to do. If I get divorced, my dream of being a wife and mother is dashed.
So I need to turn it into a reality, not wait to be married. All of these plans I had to do for my family I need to do for myself.
I need to cook for myself, clean as if I am a worthy audience to appreciate it, and go to the stimulating events I would take my child to. Life is too valuable to wait for something that may or may not happen to begin it. And dreaming of being a housewife is a very achievable dream! Many people dream of being pilots, but they cant fly planes without years of study and lots of money. If I want to be domestic I can, it wont require any schooling or money, it only requires me to feel I am a worthy recipient of my efforts.
I want to be a mother and a doting wife, why not start by being a mother to myself and by doting on myself?
9:55PM, Valentine's Night
I was just upstairs hanging out with my neighbor. No, no funny business, although that would have made me feel a lot better. I am going to a bondage a-go-go night with him tomorrow, and I am going to dress up like a goth girl (I was going to do that with Alan, but so much for that)
I was just fine until my neighbor decided to give me some Alien valentines. For some reason it really made me upset. Holding the valentines in my hand made me think about the holiday, a holiday that I LOVE by the way, LOVE IT LOVE IT LOVE IT, and it made me upset. I told him I didn't want them, I gave them back, I might take them some other day, but not today.
WHO DOES THAT TO SOMEONE ON VALENTINES DAY???? That is SOOOOOOO mean!!!!!!!!!! That is SO SO MEAN!!! God thats mean!
I'm sad right now
I was just fine until my neighbor decided to give me some Alien valentines. For some reason it really made me upset. Holding the valentines in my hand made me think about the holiday, a holiday that I LOVE by the way, LOVE IT LOVE IT LOVE IT, and it made me upset. I told him I didn't want them, I gave them back, I might take them some other day, but not today.
WHO DOES THAT TO SOMEONE ON VALENTINES DAY???? That is SOOOOOOO mean!!!!!!!!!! That is SO SO MEAN!!! God thats mean!
I'm sad right now
8:24PM, Valentine's Night
Okay, now I am feeling a little sad. I was thinking about him a bit, I did like him. I really did. Oh man, I liked him!
One lesson I have learned is not to share too much of my sexuality. I was SOOOOO horny after all of those months without any sex, and so many more months without any good sex. I just let my inner slut out! I am not saying I shouldn't be slutty in bed, but I don't need to share verbally, what a horny girl I am. I think I was a bit of my hypersexual former self, partly because it was so pent up, and I am sure partly subconciously, going back partially to the mindset that sex is how you get love. Its my old pattern, and even if I have cut it back partially, it must have come back as a defense to protect my still broken heart about Charles.
I love my blog. Writing it out is really helping me.
One lesson I have learned is not to share too much of my sexuality. I was SOOOOO horny after all of those months without any sex, and so many more months without any good sex. I just let my inner slut out! I am not saying I shouldn't be slutty in bed, but I don't need to share verbally, what a horny girl I am. I think I was a bit of my hypersexual former self, partly because it was so pent up, and I am sure partly subconciously, going back partially to the mindset that sex is how you get love. Its my old pattern, and even if I have cut it back partially, it must have come back as a defense to protect my still broken heart about Charles.
I love my blog. Writing it out is really helping me.
6:59PM, Valentine's Night
When I was in jr. high a bully punched me on the schoolbus. It hurt when it happened, but about ten minutes later it felt really warm and good where he punched me.
My chest hurts a little, sort of achy, but it feels strangely good. Maybe as a person with depression it feels good to feel emotions, even if they hurt. I am listening to Crystal Method with incense burning and the lights low. I feel strangely good.
There is also now the pressure off. I was feeling unsure about him, sensing he might hurt me. Well, he has. I was just saying to someone that I am assuming he thinks I deserve it, since I kissed him the day I broke up with Charles, or maybe because I hung out with Marathon Man the other day (I told him my friend Jack was coming up from Chicago) If he doesn't think I somehow deserve it than why else would he be so mean as to stand me up on Valentine's day? That's MEEEEEAN!
I am now a strong, single woman who is not willing to be treated poorly. I have been treated poorly a hell of a lot in my life, well as the keeper of my destiny it is my responsibility to not let people do that to me anymore. I will still take chances on love, but not be a glutton for punishment. I don't regret continuing to see him even though my gut said it wasn't going well. At least I was aware that I was doing it.
I have come a long way and I deserve good things...hell, I have good things!
My chest hurts a little, sort of achy, but it feels strangely good. Maybe as a person with depression it feels good to feel emotions, even if they hurt. I am listening to Crystal Method with incense burning and the lights low. I feel strangely good.
There is also now the pressure off. I was feeling unsure about him, sensing he might hurt me. Well, he has. I was just saying to someone that I am assuming he thinks I deserve it, since I kissed him the day I broke up with Charles, or maybe because I hung out with Marathon Man the other day (I told him my friend Jack was coming up from Chicago) If he doesn't think I somehow deserve it than why else would he be so mean as to stand me up on Valentine's day? That's MEEEEEAN!
I am now a strong, single woman who is not willing to be treated poorly. I have been treated poorly a hell of a lot in my life, well as the keeper of my destiny it is my responsibility to not let people do that to me anymore. I will still take chances on love, but not be a glutton for punishment. I don't regret continuing to see him even though my gut said it wasn't going well. At least I was aware that I was doing it.
I have come a long way and I deserve good things...hell, I have good things!
I just left a message on his phone (it's 5:50) calmly saying, "I just need you to know that you have really, really hurt me, It's important you know that. I don't think I deserved it, I think I have been very nice to you"
Now I don't intend to answer his calls.
Seriously, come on.
Now I am going to make it a nice night for myself. Cleaning and really treating myself well.
Now I don't intend to answer his calls.
Seriously, come on.
Now I am going to make it a nice night for myself. Cleaning and really treating myself well.
Stupid Alan
Happy Valentine's day to me!
I had SUCH a fun day, I went and got my butt waxed (you should see it, it looks SOOOOO pretty) LOL. Then I bought black stockings and pretty black and white underwear, and nice amber chandelier earrings.
But no call from Alan. I am supposed to be getting ready right now, but I don't even know what time reservations are!
Linda told me not to break up with him via voicemail, but every second I get a little less in the mood. I am such an easy going, funny, wild and most importantly, caring person. I look so pretty in my dress, and made such a cute present for him, I just deserve a reasonable amount of courtesy...even appreciation would be nice.
I will give him a chance to talk me into going out, but if I don't hear from him soon (it's 5:36!) I just cant get myself to give him the $40, well thought out present I made him. I don't ask much, just enough!
I will be okay. Today was one of the best days I've had. I really see myself for who I am. I really see life for what it is. I have so much, and I am the reciever of such wonderful things. I am feeling really grateful for how good my life is. So don't cry for me Argentina, even though it's valentines day.
I had SUCH a fun day, I went and got my butt waxed (you should see it, it looks SOOOOO pretty) LOL. Then I bought black stockings and pretty black and white underwear, and nice amber chandelier earrings.
But no call from Alan. I am supposed to be getting ready right now, but I don't even know what time reservations are!
Linda told me not to break up with him via voicemail, but every second I get a little less in the mood. I am such an easy going, funny, wild and most importantly, caring person. I look so pretty in my dress, and made such a cute present for him, I just deserve a reasonable amount of courtesy...even appreciation would be nice.
I will give him a chance to talk me into going out, but if I don't hear from him soon (it's 5:36!) I just cant get myself to give him the $40, well thought out present I made him. I don't ask much, just enough!
I will be okay. Today was one of the best days I've had. I really see myself for who I am. I really see life for what it is. I have so much, and I am the reciever of such wonderful things. I am feeling really grateful for how good my life is. So don't cry for me Argentina, even though it's valentines day.
I love him
I spoke with Charles on the phone tonight. When I talk to him I just feel so good. Except lately, lately it has made me feel awful, like I have hurt the most wonderful human being on the planet.
I told him about it, and he said he didn't want me to feel bad. He really feels happy when he talks to me. You know how I fell for him when I met him? I said I only wanted to be friends, he said "OK." He melts me.
I loved talking to him today. How can I be without him? How can I live without him? I guess I have him, if we are friends, and his Visa has at least 2 years on it, so I don't have to live without him. How can I live without possessing him? How could I survive while another woman DARE speak to him? I won't say that I am tormented right now, because I am so happy after talking to him...yeah.
I want Charles, with the sex I have with Alan, with the Chemistry I have with my neighbor. I just want to die right now.
I am just too tired...just go to bed Diana.
I told him about it, and he said he didn't want me to feel bad. He really feels happy when he talks to me. You know how I fell for him when I met him? I said I only wanted to be friends, he said "OK." He melts me.
I loved talking to him today. How can I be without him? How can I live without him? I guess I have him, if we are friends, and his Visa has at least 2 years on it, so I don't have to live without him. How can I live without possessing him? How could I survive while another woman DARE speak to him? I won't say that I am tormented right now, because I am so happy after talking to him...yeah.
I want Charles, with the sex I have with Alan, with the Chemistry I have with my neighbor. I just want to die right now.
I am just too tired...just go to bed Diana.
Tuesday, February 13, 2007
A vow of chastity (with my neighbor)
Should I? Shouldn't I?
I could totally make out with my neighbor right now. He had me come up and we chatted, and he touched me a lot. He
...As I was writing THIS very post- his ex girlfriend Francis called me!
I have to NEVER kiss him again. For one, if it ever gets out to Francis, I can say (honestly) that I was really drunk, and was really sad about Charles. If it was more than once, it is then pre-meditated. And another reason I can't kiss him again, is I might have sex with him. And if I have sex with him I will become obsessed. I mean OBSESSED. I feel turned on being in the same room with him, and I am on libido-killing psychotropics. I once had a reoccuring partner who I could not give up. He was as dumb as a board, and I tried and tried to stop seeing him. I would make pacts with myself that I would not see him any more, if he got in the house, I was having sex with him, I lost all my control. I am actually getting excited thinking about him (that might have something to do with my time with my neighbor mixed with scenes from Sex and the City on my TV screen.) If I had sex with my neighbor I would be addicted. He would be like an open bar available to an alcoholic, he is so close. He is SOOOOO not right for me, he is 48, acts and looks like he's 35, and HELLLLOOOO, dated my friend! (may I remind you, I met him first- so I am not as heinous of a person as you may be thinking) But I know what happens to me with the right phermones...I lose control.
I VOW...
I WILL NEVER KISS HIM AGAIN...I WILL NEVER KISS HIM AGAIN...I WILL NEVER KISS HIM AGAIN...I WILL NEVER KISS HIM AGAIN...I WILL NEVER KISS HIM AGAIN...I WILL NEVER KISS HIM AGAIN...I WILL NEVER KISS HIM AGAIN...I WILL NEVER KISS HIM AGAIN...I WILL NEVER KISS HIM AGAIN...I WILL NEVER KISS HIM AGAIN...I WILL NEVER KISS HIM AGAIN...I WILL NEVER KISS HIM AGAIN...I WILL NEVER KISS HIM AGAIN...I WILL NEVER KISS HIM AGAIN...I WILL NEVER KISS HIM AGAIN...I WILL NEVER KISS HIM AGAIN...I WILL NEVER KISS HIM AGAIN...I WILL NEVER KISS HIM AGAIN...I WILL NEVER KISS HIM AGAIN...I WILL NEVER KISS HIM AGAIN...I WILL NEVER KISS HIM AGAIN...I WILL NEVER KISS HIM AGAIN...I WILL NEVER KISS HIM AGAIN...I WILL NEVER KISS HIM AGAIN...I WILL NEVER KISS HIM AGAIN...I WILL NEVER KISS HIM AGAIN...I WILL NEVER KISS HIM AGAIN...I WILL NEVER KISS HIM AGAIN...
I could totally make out with my neighbor right now. He had me come up and we chatted, and he touched me a lot. He
...As I was writing THIS very post- his ex girlfriend Francis called me!
I have to NEVER kiss him again. For one, if it ever gets out to Francis, I can say (honestly) that I was really drunk, and was really sad about Charles. If it was more than once, it is then pre-meditated. And another reason I can't kiss him again, is I might have sex with him. And if I have sex with him I will become obsessed. I mean OBSESSED. I feel turned on being in the same room with him, and I am on libido-killing psychotropics. I once had a reoccuring partner who I could not give up. He was as dumb as a board, and I tried and tried to stop seeing him. I would make pacts with myself that I would not see him any more, if he got in the house, I was having sex with him, I lost all my control. I am actually getting excited thinking about him (that might have something to do with my time with my neighbor mixed with scenes from Sex and the City on my TV screen.) If I had sex with my neighbor I would be addicted. He would be like an open bar available to an alcoholic, he is so close. He is SOOOOO not right for me, he is 48, acts and looks like he's 35, and HELLLLOOOO, dated my friend! (may I remind you, I met him first- so I am not as heinous of a person as you may be thinking) But I know what happens to me with the right phermones...I lose control.
I VOW...
I WILL NEVER KISS HIM AGAIN...I WILL NEVER KISS HIM AGAIN...I WILL NEVER KISS HIM AGAIN...I WILL NEVER KISS HIM AGAIN...I WILL NEVER KISS HIM AGAIN...I WILL NEVER KISS HIM AGAIN...I WILL NEVER KISS HIM AGAIN...I WILL NEVER KISS HIM AGAIN...I WILL NEVER KISS HIM AGAIN...I WILL NEVER KISS HIM AGAIN...I WILL NEVER KISS HIM AGAIN...I WILL NEVER KISS HIM AGAIN...I WILL NEVER KISS HIM AGAIN...I WILL NEVER KISS HIM AGAIN...I WILL NEVER KISS HIM AGAIN...I WILL NEVER KISS HIM AGAIN...I WILL NEVER KISS HIM AGAIN...I WILL NEVER KISS HIM AGAIN...I WILL NEVER KISS HIM AGAIN...I WILL NEVER KISS HIM AGAIN...I WILL NEVER KISS HIM AGAIN...I WILL NEVER KISS HIM AGAIN...I WILL NEVER KISS HIM AGAIN...I WILL NEVER KISS HIM AGAIN...I WILL NEVER KISS HIM AGAIN...I WILL NEVER KISS HIM AGAIN...I WILL NEVER KISS HIM AGAIN...I WILL NEVER KISS HIM AGAIN...
Monday, February 12, 2007
Nothing is going to happen
Alan and I, its just not going to happen.
We haven't had a conversation since I saw him last.
I would love to talk to him, every day, but not if I have to call him.
No matter how warm I am, I am at arm's length with him, and I can't help the circumstances of our meeting. I feel like I should have more than this.
I feel like calling him right now and calling off valentine's day.
We haven't had a conversation since I saw him last.
I would love to talk to him, every day, but not if I have to call him.
No matter how warm I am, I am at arm's length with him, and I can't help the circumstances of our meeting. I feel like I should have more than this.
I feel like calling him right now and calling off valentine's day.
Silent Treatment
I can't think of a worse feeling than knowing you have hurt someone's feelings. I can, it is hurting someone's feelings when you are having PMS.
FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK! I said the WRONG FUCKING THING! And now the pilot is being a really big jerk about it.
I said something about after being here for all these years, it's hard, becuase all my favorites go off to Southwest, then, to turn it into a dig, I said "and all the rest are left over" and then I shoved him. I hit a sore spot apparantly. He was rejected by Southwest.
If it had been thought out I wouldn't have said it. He (as a joke I thought) started giving me the silent treatment, but it must not have been a joke because he was able to keep it up after the flight, to the hotel van, to the hotel, all the way to the room.
Thing is, I don't have it in me to be charming or funny. I have PMS and I have had a bad day with passengers, so I just walked, looking hurt and serious.
I will sincerely apoligize tomorrow. I am so pissed at him. A grownup would say- "hey- that crossed a line" He is a jerk to act this way. I feel bad enough.
FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK! I said the WRONG FUCKING THING! And now the pilot is being a really big jerk about it.
I said something about after being here for all these years, it's hard, becuase all my favorites go off to Southwest, then, to turn it into a dig, I said "and all the rest are left over" and then I shoved him. I hit a sore spot apparantly. He was rejected by Southwest.
If it had been thought out I wouldn't have said it. He (as a joke I thought) started giving me the silent treatment, but it must not have been a joke because he was able to keep it up after the flight, to the hotel van, to the hotel, all the way to the room.
Thing is, I don't have it in me to be charming or funny. I have PMS and I have had a bad day with passengers, so I just walked, looking hurt and serious.
I will sincerely apoligize tomorrow. I am so pissed at him. A grownup would say- "hey- that crossed a line" He is a jerk to act this way. I feel bad enough.
Saturday, February 10, 2007
Drug Abuser
I have been stuffing myself with food the last few days. It is very possible that my period is coming up, but I am sure that it is also self medication for anxiety. Things are going relatively well, in fact, when I review my life I can’t think of much stressful going on. Have a boy, don’t have a boy, not, in the big picture, that big of a deal. But I am anxious.
I have been working out again. What is it about working out that makes me anxious? I am assuming increased brain activity.
I wish I felt more security in the Alan situation, I don’t know how I will proceed, I like spending time with him, the cuddling, and the sex, but I don’t want to be hurt or made a fool of again so soon.
Whatever the solution is, force feeding myself and blowing up like the Michelin man is not it.
I have been working out again. What is it about working out that makes me anxious? I am assuming increased brain activity.
I wish I felt more security in the Alan situation, I don’t know how I will proceed, I like spending time with him, the cuddling, and the sex, but I don’t want to be hurt or made a fool of again so soon.
Whatever the solution is, force feeding myself and blowing up like the Michelin man is not it.
Friday, February 09, 2007
He's just not that into me
Something about writing the last post reminded me of some red flags in reference to Alan.
Yesterday we were on a date and I had mentioned we should go to the coffee shop by his house. He was so quick and adament that we shouldn't go there, he goes there too much, and a red flag went up. Women have an instinct about these things, we know when he says "I got groceries" that he was cheating on us, that he didn't actually get groceries that day. We can just feel it. Why do we stay? Because we don't want to admit to what our gut just told us, so we choose to believe his words instead. When he said we shouldn't go to that coffee shop I knew there was a reason besides "he goes there too much"
He also has suggested that he might get busy when he starts school in the fall. If you really like someone you are not going to worry that it will get in the way. You would know, deep inside that you will do what it takes to keep them. They are a natural priority, because all you do is think about them.
Shit! I wonder why I chose tonight to figure this all out? I did ask him last night if he could see us together for a while, because I wanted to know if I should let myself develop feelings for him, and he said that if he didn't see us together for awhile he would have told me, he wouldn't string me along. But if I am unsure if I should develop feelings, maybe that is my cue, maybe I sense that I shouldn't develop feelings for him.
And I am sure that part of the problem was the feelings I felt tonight with Marathon Man. Strong, strong feelings, mixed with horrible guilt for feeling strong strong feelings for a married man who was obviously feeling feelings too. Say THAT three times fast!
I suppose I will go to bed.
It's okay to be alone. I don't HAVE to be with anyone right now, right? I can't help but feel like love is a joke. I can't put into words how much I loved Charles. I really thought we would have a family together. I thought that we were already a family. I thought that he would put me first. Even though there wasn't the chemistry I feel like if a love like mine for Charles failed, then what else is out there that can compare? There are marriages (and life partnerships) that actually work? Arent there? Or does every relationship include 180 mile detours during ski trips?
Just go to bed
Yesterday we were on a date and I had mentioned we should go to the coffee shop by his house. He was so quick and adament that we shouldn't go there, he goes there too much, and a red flag went up. Women have an instinct about these things, we know when he says "I got groceries" that he was cheating on us, that he didn't actually get groceries that day. We can just feel it. Why do we stay? Because we don't want to admit to what our gut just told us, so we choose to believe his words instead. When he said we shouldn't go to that coffee shop I knew there was a reason besides "he goes there too much"
He also has suggested that he might get busy when he starts school in the fall. If you really like someone you are not going to worry that it will get in the way. You would know, deep inside that you will do what it takes to keep them. They are a natural priority, because all you do is think about them.
Shit! I wonder why I chose tonight to figure this all out? I did ask him last night if he could see us together for a while, because I wanted to know if I should let myself develop feelings for him, and he said that if he didn't see us together for awhile he would have told me, he wouldn't string me along. But if I am unsure if I should develop feelings, maybe that is my cue, maybe I sense that I shouldn't develop feelings for him.
And I am sure that part of the problem was the feelings I felt tonight with Marathon Man. Strong, strong feelings, mixed with horrible guilt for feeling strong strong feelings for a married man who was obviously feeling feelings too. Say THAT three times fast!
I suppose I will go to bed.
It's okay to be alone. I don't HAVE to be with anyone right now, right? I can't help but feel like love is a joke. I can't put into words how much I loved Charles. I really thought we would have a family together. I thought that we were already a family. I thought that he would put me first. Even though there wasn't the chemistry I feel like if a love like mine for Charles failed, then what else is out there that can compare? There are marriages (and life partnerships) that actually work? Arent there? Or does every relationship include 180 mile detours during ski trips?
Just go to bed
Thursday, February 08, 2007
Are married men the lowest, or weirdest form of life on the planet?
I am really, really confused. I have had a strange week in regards to married men this week, especially today.
On superbowl sunday I got a call from a pilot. A really nice pilot who's personality I really like. He is very warm and down to earth. He commented when I met him that I was very "natural" (which I read to mean down to earth) and he felt a real connection with me. This guy is Jamaican, and I am not making excuses for him, I just am a little more open minded with people who arent American born, because often weirdness can actually be a cultural difference. When we exchanged numbers I was extra clear- this is totally a friendship thing right? I take marriage very seriously- he said absolutely. So I gave him my number.
It was still weird hearing from him. When I met him I was really into Buddhism so in his message he said he wanted to talk more about Buddhism, but when I brought it up on the phone he didn't have that much to say about it. I would love to be friends with this guy, but it just feels weird talking on the phone with a married man. It would be one thing if we started by having lunch at the airport and a friendship grew from that, but this, it just feels weird. He does seem trustworthy though, he is a very nice man. And on the phone, he actually said "Mon."
But that is nothing. Today I spent the day with marathon man. Yup, marathon man, from years ago. This is a guy who I went to 3 different states to cheer him on in marathons, while having no clue if we were actually dating. At the last marathon we ended up making out, with him creaming his pants. Well a week or so ago I get an e-mail from him saying "I will be 180 miles from your city next week" so I say "you should take a detour" which of course anyone would say, and he says "okay."
I had a really fun day. We went to a big mall, had italian food at a nice restaurant there, went to the museum I used to be a tour guide at, went to a coffee shop, had dinner at the greek restaurant that my roommate works at, and then went to a play in which a woman had sex with a bird. It was such a fun day, full of flirting and sexual tension, oh yeah, and marathon man is now married.
Yeah. And there was a lot of discussion of dating (Charles and Alan) and going over why things did or didn't work out with us, which I guess isn't as bad as I was thinking, now that I write it, because it could be seen as tying loose ends, evaluating the past relationship and moving on to the new one. But still, he is spending the day, and plenty of money, in a seperate city from his wife, with a woman who is not his wife.
Maybe I am just old fashioned. There was nothing naughty, just flirting. I still just find the whole thing weird. I wouldn't want my husband in his shoes, because what if the girl in my shoes doesn't have my scruples? Then the man is putty. I hate to admit to how lowly I think about men, but spending a day with a man where there is strong chemistry, I think the man can be seduced. So the answer is, don't let your husband spend the day with a woman with which he has strong chemistry in another city. And is she really letting him spend the day with a woman in another city, or does she think he is skiing for two days...yeah...the skiing.
I can't help but assume that he was hoping I was an unscrupulous woman, who would seduce his innocent self into doing something he didn't want to do, and about which he would feel so, so bad about afterward, but he just couldn't help himself. I will say in his defence however, that in the car at the end there was no lingering, it was "I had fun...okay bye" so that makes me feel better, I guess.
I still feel weird
On superbowl sunday I got a call from a pilot. A really nice pilot who's personality I really like. He is very warm and down to earth. He commented when I met him that I was very "natural" (which I read to mean down to earth) and he felt a real connection with me. This guy is Jamaican, and I am not making excuses for him, I just am a little more open minded with people who arent American born, because often weirdness can actually be a cultural difference. When we exchanged numbers I was extra clear- this is totally a friendship thing right? I take marriage very seriously- he said absolutely. So I gave him my number.
It was still weird hearing from him. When I met him I was really into Buddhism so in his message he said he wanted to talk more about Buddhism, but when I brought it up on the phone he didn't have that much to say about it. I would love to be friends with this guy, but it just feels weird talking on the phone with a married man. It would be one thing if we started by having lunch at the airport and a friendship grew from that, but this, it just feels weird. He does seem trustworthy though, he is a very nice man. And on the phone, he actually said "Mon."
But that is nothing. Today I spent the day with marathon man. Yup, marathon man, from years ago. This is a guy who I went to 3 different states to cheer him on in marathons, while having no clue if we were actually dating. At the last marathon we ended up making out, with him creaming his pants. Well a week or so ago I get an e-mail from him saying "I will be 180 miles from your city next week" so I say "you should take a detour" which of course anyone would say, and he says "okay."
I had a really fun day. We went to a big mall, had italian food at a nice restaurant there, went to the museum I used to be a tour guide at, went to a coffee shop, had dinner at the greek restaurant that my roommate works at, and then went to a play in which a woman had sex with a bird. It was such a fun day, full of flirting and sexual tension, oh yeah, and marathon man is now married.
Yeah. And there was a lot of discussion of dating (Charles and Alan) and going over why things did or didn't work out with us, which I guess isn't as bad as I was thinking, now that I write it, because it could be seen as tying loose ends, evaluating the past relationship and moving on to the new one. But still, he is spending the day, and plenty of money, in a seperate city from his wife, with a woman who is not his wife.
Maybe I am just old fashioned. There was nothing naughty, just flirting. I still just find the whole thing weird. I wouldn't want my husband in his shoes, because what if the girl in my shoes doesn't have my scruples? Then the man is putty. I hate to admit to how lowly I think about men, but spending a day with a man where there is strong chemistry, I think the man can be seduced. So the answer is, don't let your husband spend the day with a woman with which he has strong chemistry in another city. And is she really letting him spend the day with a woman in another city, or does she think he is skiing for two days...yeah...the skiing.
I can't help but assume that he was hoping I was an unscrupulous woman, who would seduce his innocent self into doing something he didn't want to do, and about which he would feel so, so bad about afterward, but he just couldn't help himself. I will say in his defence however, that in the car at the end there was no lingering, it was "I had fun...okay bye" so that makes me feel better, I guess.
I still feel weird
Sunday, February 04, 2007
Psychic Predicts: Colts win Superbowl
There was a woman shuffling Tarot cards on the airplane today. I made a joke that she should use the cards to predict if the Colts would win, (for a Colt’s fan sitting next to her) and she said something about wanting to practice. I asked if she would practice on me, and she said yes (no charge.)
I had two readings. The had me choose a path I wanted to learn about. The first one was “I have made a career decision, am I making the right choice?” My decision is to stay at the regional I am at, because I have good senority, and part time is available. The first thing she asked me was if I made this decision because of a relationship. I said yes. The reason I said yes is the major reason I stay is so I can raise children. This is a good job for a part time job, and I can be a full time parent the rest of the time.
She told me about a card that said I need to be sure not to hold my intelligence under a bushel, (I do that) that I have to speak my mind in my relationship, to speak up about my needs, and not bake decisions based on the both of us, but on myself. That is something I did with Charles. I was too focused on “us” and not enough on me, so when he didn’t do the same, things didn’t work out.
The next card was a person blindfolded and bound. She said I would feel bound, either intellectually or geographically, which is easy to predict would be the reality if I stay at this job.
Another one she pointed at was one that said that the relationship would balance things out, that he would has a pretty good job so he can make up for some of the financial things. After that I told her that the reason I am staying is not for a particular person, but because I want to raise kids, and this job is good for that. She showed me that this particular card was the card of a stable family.
I liked the reading, it meshed with my reality very much. The second reading was about Alan. How will that relationship go? The first thing that she said was that the relationship is very “friend” oriented, which is very true. She said it is very “collegial” the next one said that he is very deep and thinks a lot. I could believe that. She said that I am opinionated, and that is what he likes about me, and that I should be sure to speak my mind. She said that I am entering into a sunny phase of my life, which makes sense considering my depression has been in remission for nearly a year. She also showed me a conflict card. She said that the people in the picture are fighting, but they don’t know what they are fighting about, so I had to be sure communication is very clear, including my feelings for the last guy (Charles) She also said that I would need to make some sort of decision in about 3 months.
These readings were a lot of fun. She seemed like a pretty normal lady, not fruity or flaky. She didn’t call herself a psychic, she called herself an “empath” she said that the uses the cards to guide her reading. She also said the person receiving the reading already knows most of these things, and the reading just helps them face it.
I don’t really believe in tarot cards, but I do believe in psychology. I think that some people are very sensitive and good at reading people (I am one of them, I sometimes feel the emotion that another person is feeling, a bad thing if the other person is anxious or depressed) If you are good at reading people, whether it is to a supernatural extent or not, you can sense, based on the persons body tension, facial expressions and responses, how to interpret each card. I might secretly hope that there is an extremely deep level of being able to read something, where someone can see a picture in their head, and have it be true (she said Alan had dark hair, but how easy is that? Most people have dark hair) But even if that doesn’t exist, I see no harm in the calming effect I felt having this woman do my readings. I do see harm in people who exploit vulnerable, sometimes uneducated people by taking their money in exchange for false and/or vauge information, but I think in my case it was harmless. I am smart enough to keep my perspective, and smart enough to take good advice when it’s given to me, no matter by whom.
And she said the Colts would win…there is the big test if she's for real;)
I had two readings. The had me choose a path I wanted to learn about. The first one was “I have made a career decision, am I making the right choice?” My decision is to stay at the regional I am at, because I have good senority, and part time is available. The first thing she asked me was if I made this decision because of a relationship. I said yes. The reason I said yes is the major reason I stay is so I can raise children. This is a good job for a part time job, and I can be a full time parent the rest of the time.
She told me about a card that said I need to be sure not to hold my intelligence under a bushel, (I do that) that I have to speak my mind in my relationship, to speak up about my needs, and not bake decisions based on the both of us, but on myself. That is something I did with Charles. I was too focused on “us” and not enough on me, so when he didn’t do the same, things didn’t work out.
The next card was a person blindfolded and bound. She said I would feel bound, either intellectually or geographically, which is easy to predict would be the reality if I stay at this job.
Another one she pointed at was one that said that the relationship would balance things out, that he would has a pretty good job so he can make up for some of the financial things. After that I told her that the reason I am staying is not for a particular person, but because I want to raise kids, and this job is good for that. She showed me that this particular card was the card of a stable family.
I liked the reading, it meshed with my reality very much. The second reading was about Alan. How will that relationship go? The first thing that she said was that the relationship is very “friend” oriented, which is very true. She said it is very “collegial” the next one said that he is very deep and thinks a lot. I could believe that. She said that I am opinionated, and that is what he likes about me, and that I should be sure to speak my mind. She said that I am entering into a sunny phase of my life, which makes sense considering my depression has been in remission for nearly a year. She also showed me a conflict card. She said that the people in the picture are fighting, but they don’t know what they are fighting about, so I had to be sure communication is very clear, including my feelings for the last guy (Charles) She also said that I would need to make some sort of decision in about 3 months.
These readings were a lot of fun. She seemed like a pretty normal lady, not fruity or flaky. She didn’t call herself a psychic, she called herself an “empath” she said that the uses the cards to guide her reading. She also said the person receiving the reading already knows most of these things, and the reading just helps them face it.
I don’t really believe in tarot cards, but I do believe in psychology. I think that some people are very sensitive and good at reading people (I am one of them, I sometimes feel the emotion that another person is feeling, a bad thing if the other person is anxious or depressed) If you are good at reading people, whether it is to a supernatural extent or not, you can sense, based on the persons body tension, facial expressions and responses, how to interpret each card. I might secretly hope that there is an extremely deep level of being able to read something, where someone can see a picture in their head, and have it be true (she said Alan had dark hair, but how easy is that? Most people have dark hair) But even if that doesn’t exist, I see no harm in the calming effect I felt having this woman do my readings. I do see harm in people who exploit vulnerable, sometimes uneducated people by taking their money in exchange for false and/or vauge information, but I think in my case it was harmless. I am smart enough to keep my perspective, and smart enough to take good advice when it’s given to me, no matter by whom.
And she said the Colts would win…there is the big test if she's for real;)
Psychic Predicts: Colts win Superbowl
There was a woman shuffling Tarot cards on the airplane today. I made a joke that she should use the cards to predict if the Colts would win, (for a Colt’s fan sitting next to her) and she said something about wanting to practice. I asked if she would practice on me, and she said yes (no charge.)
I had two readings. The had me choose a path I wanted to learn about. The first one was “I have made a career decision, am I making the right choice?” My decision is to stay at the regional I am at, because I have good senority, and part time is available. The first thing she asked me was if I made this decision because of a relationship. I said yes. The reason I said yes is the major reason I stay is so I can raise children. This is a good job for a part time job, and I can be a full time parent the rest of the time.
She told me about a card that said I need to be sure not to hold my intelligence under a bushel, (I do that) that I have to speak my mind in my relationship, to speak up about my needs, and not bake decisions based on the both of us, but on myself. That is something I did with Charles. I was too focused on “us” and not enough on me, so when he didn’t do the same, things didn’t work out.
The next card was a person blindfolded and bound. She said I would feel bound, either intellectually or geographically, which is easy to predict would be the reality if I stay at this job.
Another one she pointed at was one that said that the relationship would balance things out, that he would has a pretty good job so he can make up for some of the financial things. After that I told her that the reason I am staying is not for a particular person, but because I want to raise kids, and this job is good for that. She showed me that this particular card was the card of a stable family.
I liked the reading, it meshed with my reality very much. The second reading was about Alan. How will that relationship go? The first thing that she said was that the relationship is very “friend” oriented, which is very true. She said it is very “collegial” the next one said that he is very deep and thinks a lot. I could believe that. She said that I am opinionated, and that is what he likes about me, and that I should be sure to speak my mind. She said that I am entering into a sunny phase of my life, which makes sense considering my depression has been in remission for nearly a year. She also showed me a conflict card. She said that the people in the picture are fighting, but they don’t know what they are fighting about, so I had to be sure communication is very clear, including my feelings for the last guy (Charles) She also said that I would need to make some sort of decision in about 3 months.
These readings were a lot of fun. She seemed like a pretty normal lady, not fruity or flaky. She didn’t call herself a psychic, she called herself an “empath” she said that the uses the cards to guide her reading. She also said the person receiving the reading already knows most of these things, and the reading just helps them face it.
I don’t really believe in tarot cards, but I do believe in psychology. I think that some people are very sensitive and good at reading people (I am one of them, I sometimes feel the emotion that another person is feeling, a bad thing if the other person is anxious or depressed) If you are good at reading people, whether it is to a supernatural extent or not, you can sense, based on the persons body tension, facial expressions and responses, how to interpret each card. I might secretly hope that there is an extremely deep level of being able to read something, where someone can see a picture in their head, and have it be true (she said Alan had dark hair, but how easy is that? Most people have dark hair) But even if that doesn’t exist, I see no harm in the calming effect I felt having this woman do my readings. I do see harm in people who exploit vulnerable, sometimes uneducated people by taking their money in exchange for false and/or vauge information, but I think in my case it was harmless. I am smart enough to keep my perspective, and smart enough to take good advice when it’s given to me, no matter by whom.
And she said the Colts would win…there is the big test if she's for real;)
I had two readings. The had me choose a path I wanted to learn about. The first one was “I have made a career decision, am I making the right choice?” My decision is to stay at the regional I am at, because I have good senority, and part time is available. The first thing she asked me was if I made this decision because of a relationship. I said yes. The reason I said yes is the major reason I stay is so I can raise children. This is a good job for a part time job, and I can be a full time parent the rest of the time.
She told me about a card that said I need to be sure not to hold my intelligence under a bushel, (I do that) that I have to speak my mind in my relationship, to speak up about my needs, and not bake decisions based on the both of us, but on myself. That is something I did with Charles. I was too focused on “us” and not enough on me, so when he didn’t do the same, things didn’t work out.
The next card was a person blindfolded and bound. She said I would feel bound, either intellectually or geographically, which is easy to predict would be the reality if I stay at this job.
Another one she pointed at was one that said that the relationship would balance things out, that he would has a pretty good job so he can make up for some of the financial things. After that I told her that the reason I am staying is not for a particular person, but because I want to raise kids, and this job is good for that. She showed me that this particular card was the card of a stable family.
I liked the reading, it meshed with my reality very much. The second reading was about Alan. How will that relationship go? The first thing that she said was that the relationship is very “friend” oriented, which is very true. She said it is very “collegial” the next one said that he is very deep and thinks a lot. I could believe that. She said that I am opinionated, and that is what he likes about me, and that I should be sure to speak my mind. She said that I am entering into a sunny phase of my life, which makes sense considering my depression has been in remission for nearly a year. She also showed me a conflict card. She said that the people in the picture are fighting, but they don’t know what they are fighting about, so I had to be sure communication is very clear, including my feelings for the last guy (Charles) She also said that I would need to make some sort of decision in about 3 months.
These readings were a lot of fun. She seemed like a pretty normal lady, not fruity or flaky. She didn’t call herself a psychic, she called herself an “empath” she said that the uses the cards to guide her reading. She also said the person receiving the reading already knows most of these things, and the reading just helps them face it.
I don’t really believe in tarot cards, but I do believe in psychology. I think that some people are very sensitive and good at reading people (I am one of them, I sometimes feel the emotion that another person is feeling, a bad thing if the other person is anxious or depressed) If you are good at reading people, whether it is to a supernatural extent or not, you can sense, based on the persons body tension, facial expressions and responses, how to interpret each card. I might secretly hope that there is an extremely deep level of being able to read something, where someone can see a picture in their head, and have it be true (she said Alan had dark hair, but how easy is that? Most people have dark hair) But even if that doesn’t exist, I see no harm in the calming effect I felt having this woman do my readings. I do see harm in people who exploit vulnerable, sometimes uneducated people by taking their money in exchange for false and/or vauge information, but I think in my case it was harmless. I am smart enough to keep my perspective, and smart enough to take good advice when it’s given to me, no matter by whom.
And she said the Colts would win…there is the big test if she's for real;)
Saturday, February 03, 2007
An unscheduled vacation
I am debating how responsible writing this post is, considering I could possibly have an impressionable reader out there that doesn't have the experience that I do in managing their mental health, or who's heath is more fragile then mine, but I want to write it because it is my diary, and it is an interesting thing that has happened.
I suppose I will preface by saying the reason I am as healthy as I am now is because I didn't stop taking my medication once I got better. I have been taking my medication for five years at least without any breaks except the ones in between medication switches, under a doctors care. One of the major reasons people stay sick is they quit taking the medications once they get better, or because they still have symptoms, and worst of all is when they do this without a doctor's supervision. So now that has been said. I am off the hook, readers, don't do anything stupid please.
A few months ago I had bad timing and couldn't get my risperdal filled in time for a trip, so I had to go 4 days without it. It was terrible, all my symptoms came back with a vengeance, and I was so greatful when I was back on the medication.
Well last night I opened my pill box (I keep my medications + about 5 vitamins in a "day of the week" pill box like the elderly use) to find out my anti-depressant (Lexapro) was not in the pill box. I forgot to add them when I was adding all of the vitamins! So last night I had a third of my normal dose, so I took it and was ready for the nightmare of a day I would be experiencing today.
But my day went strangely well! I did sleep until noon, but that is pretty common for me lately. (grrr) I wasn't extra lethargic, or extremely hungry, I felt just fine. Then, on my flight today, I must have been glowing. People seemed to love to talk to me, and I enjoyed talking to them too. I talked to a lady in the front row quite a bit. I was invited to sit next to a guy who I talked to for a half hour or so, and I talked to a pilot who was jumpseating home for a half hour. What was up with that? I wasn't just not depressed, I was pretty charasmatic!
Maybe this could be a sign of a bipolar element. I don't have my medication, and a little mania pops out. But that wouldn't make sense either, because I don't think they give SSRIs to bipolar patients, since they would only deal with the peaks. So again, what is up with that?
It could be just coincidence I guess. I had a very good day on a low dose of anti-depressants. Maybe it is built up in my body enough that my dose was stable (Thats how SSRIs work, they build up in the body.) I have heard of one cure for sexual side effects being "medication vacations" ONCE AGAIN, UNDER A DOCTOR'S SUPERVISION. Maybe I should ask my psychiatrist about that. I can say one thing, my dreams were sex, sex, and more sex. I don't think that THAT is a coincidence.
I will immediately take my dose tomorrow when I arrive home, but what a surprising day I had. I really expected to feel extremely depressed, but I feel fine. And really tired (at 1AM) that is a great alternative to insomnia
I suppose I will preface by saying the reason I am as healthy as I am now is because I didn't stop taking my medication once I got better. I have been taking my medication for five years at least without any breaks except the ones in between medication switches, under a doctors care. One of the major reasons people stay sick is they quit taking the medications once they get better, or because they still have symptoms, and worst of all is when they do this without a doctor's supervision. So now that has been said. I am off the hook, readers, don't do anything stupid please.
A few months ago I had bad timing and couldn't get my risperdal filled in time for a trip, so I had to go 4 days without it. It was terrible, all my symptoms came back with a vengeance, and I was so greatful when I was back on the medication.
Well last night I opened my pill box (I keep my medications + about 5 vitamins in a "day of the week" pill box like the elderly use) to find out my anti-depressant (Lexapro) was not in the pill box. I forgot to add them when I was adding all of the vitamins! So last night I had a third of my normal dose, so I took it and was ready for the nightmare of a day I would be experiencing today.
But my day went strangely well! I did sleep until noon, but that is pretty common for me lately. (grrr) I wasn't extra lethargic, or extremely hungry, I felt just fine. Then, on my flight today, I must have been glowing. People seemed to love to talk to me, and I enjoyed talking to them too. I talked to a lady in the front row quite a bit. I was invited to sit next to a guy who I talked to for a half hour or so, and I talked to a pilot who was jumpseating home for a half hour. What was up with that? I wasn't just not depressed, I was pretty charasmatic!
Maybe this could be a sign of a bipolar element. I don't have my medication, and a little mania pops out. But that wouldn't make sense either, because I don't think they give SSRIs to bipolar patients, since they would only deal with the peaks. So again, what is up with that?
It could be just coincidence I guess. I had a very good day on a low dose of anti-depressants. Maybe it is built up in my body enough that my dose was stable (Thats how SSRIs work, they build up in the body.) I have heard of one cure for sexual side effects being "medication vacations" ONCE AGAIN, UNDER A DOCTOR'S SUPERVISION. Maybe I should ask my psychiatrist about that. I can say one thing, my dreams were sex, sex, and more sex. I don't think that THAT is a coincidence.
I will immediately take my dose tomorrow when I arrive home, but what a surprising day I had. I really expected to feel extremely depressed, but I feel fine. And really tired (at 1AM) that is a great alternative to insomnia
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