Something about writing the last post reminded me of some red flags in reference to Alan.
Yesterday we were on a date and I had mentioned we should go to the coffee shop by his house. He was so quick and adament that we shouldn't go there, he goes there too much, and a red flag went up. Women have an instinct about these things, we know when he says "I got groceries" that he was cheating on us, that he didn't actually get groceries that day. We can just feel it. Why do we stay? Because we don't want to admit to what our gut just told us, so we choose to believe his words instead. When he said we shouldn't go to that coffee shop I knew there was a reason besides "he goes there too much"
He also has suggested that he might get busy when he starts school in the fall. If you really like someone you are not going to worry that it will get in the way. You would know, deep inside that you will do what it takes to keep them. They are a natural priority, because all you do is think about them.
Shit! I wonder why I chose tonight to figure this all out? I did ask him last night if he could see us together for a while, because I wanted to know if I should let myself develop feelings for him, and he said that if he didn't see us together for awhile he would have told me, he wouldn't string me along. But if I am unsure if I should develop feelings, maybe that is my cue, maybe I sense that I shouldn't develop feelings for him.
And I am sure that part of the problem was the feelings I felt tonight with Marathon Man. Strong, strong feelings, mixed with horrible guilt for feeling strong strong feelings for a married man who was obviously feeling feelings too. Say THAT three times fast!
I suppose I will go to bed.
It's okay to be alone. I don't HAVE to be with anyone right now, right? I can't help but feel like love is a joke. I can't put into words how much I loved Charles. I really thought we would have a family together. I thought that we were already a family. I thought that he would put me first. Even though there wasn't the chemistry I feel like if a love like mine for Charles failed, then what else is out there that can compare? There are marriages (and life partnerships) that actually work? Arent there? Or does every relationship include 180 mile detours during ski trips?
Just go to bed