Friday, February 23, 2007


What standards should I hold myself to?

We have contract negotiations going on right now, and the whole thing stresses me out. But is that an excuse? Is learning about and voting on my work conditions any less a type of self care than choosing healthy foods? Sure, I will survive even if I don’t work on the contracts, but working to make my life less stressful will help me to thrive, just as getting all the nutrients I need will.

And how about working for this airline? In a way I feel like a developmentally disabled person working as a janitor. It is a job that I can keep, it may not be the job the majority of people should be striving for, but for my circumstances, it is what is right. But maybe I am not correctly assessing my abilities. Maybe I am setting the bar too low for myself. When I was studying for the tour guide position at the museum I was happy, because my mind was being stimulated, I may be doing myself a great disservice by staying in a job that doesn’t challenge me intellectually.

It is obvious (thank god) that the plan I was following was not the right one. Expecting that I will get married and have children, and putting my whole future on that is like investing all your money in one stock. Ideally, it will work out great, but you should diversify in case that stock fails.

I know I am smart, but in the past I have failed a lot, because of anxiety, so I have very low confidence. I think low confidence like that is not 100% bad, it is partially accurate. Why couldn’t I handle the tour guide position? Anxiety. Would I want to give up what I have and put myself in a business position if I could see that happening again? No. I feel like a teenager amongst adults, until I know I can tackle that feeling, I feel my career options are limited.

And lets not forget what position I was in when I started this blog, suicidally depressed. I was so overwhelmed with career life and anxiety that I felt my only option was to kill myself. Every time I get out of a depression I seem to push myself back into one, and I think that is because I take on more than I can handle, and then end up overwhelmed all over again.

I think the best move for me really is to take classes and buy a condo. Really, that’s what I should do. These are the things that will invest in my future. I was foolish to put my future hopes in another person, thank goodness I have had my distractions removed so I put my eyes back on the prize. Love might happen, I sure hope it will, but if that is all my life is about then what a sad life. I need to have some accomplishments, and so far my only accomplishments involve surviving. I think those are big accomplishments, but they still put me at the starting line, when everyone around me is running the race.

I wish psychics were real. I wish I could say, “excuse me Madam Zahara, should I be going to school or buying a condo?” I wish they could tell you “yes, you will meet a man who will be a stable yet passionate person in your life, so build your domestic skills and prepare for him”
See the thing is, what I am looking for in a man isn’t what I am. What sense does that make? I think it is hypocritical of me to expect one level from someone else, and not be that myself. I think it’s really good to be confident, and I am getting better that way, but it is also good to challenge myself.

But is that possibly my downfall? I am ambitious to an unrealistic extreme, so I send myself over the edge? Yeah, absolutely. Perhaps I could be a huge success if I had set smaller goals, like pass the class, not get an A+++ in the class and have the teacher read your paper out loud because it is so good. So if that pressure has failed me before, I don’t need to let it fail me again. I should take a class, and pass it. That’s what I should do next. Hey, I’m excited. When I get excited it’s a good sign.

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