Thursday, February 15, 2007

The day after being stood up on Valentine's day

I got up at 8:30 this morning, voluntarily. Can I tell you how great that is? I have been getting up at 11, even 12 lately, which has really upset me. Setting the alarm for 9 just wouldn't work, I would press "off" and go right back to sleep. So somehow I got up at 8:30 this morning, that is so great.

Last night I thought of a few things about Alan. One, I knew I wasn't getting what I felt I deserved, but I knew I wasn't strong enough to cut it off just yet, well this event forced me to do it, to not stretch it out.

The second thing I thought about is the fact that he told me he did a lot of drugs, every one in the book, and he doesn't do them anymore, but when I asked him what changed he didn't have a specific reason or event that inspired stopping, just that he lost interest in the lifestyle and people. The other night we were chatting and he said someone gave him an adderal at work. I'm thinking...I thought you don't take drugs anymore. I commented on it, "thats illegal" and he didn't seem to be bothered by that. I am not saying that he is taking drugs now, I am just saying he has a mindset that could be vulnerable. He got out without getting addicted to the hardest of drugs, so he may think he has nothing to fear.

So what have I really lost? Well, honestly, a sex partner. That really is the core of why I was excited to be with him. I did like him, really, I did, but when I talked to Charles I felt so warm, calm, and like my best self. With Alan I felt nice, because I am getting sex and affection, but I didn't feel disarmed, quite the opposite, I felt on guard a bit, so I am not losing that much.

And the other thing I am losing...grrrr, the ego boost of having a man in my life. It means I am not ugly. It means I am desireable. It means I am not doomed to die alone. Or at least it quiets those voices a little bit. That is probably what I will miss the most, second to sex, but a close tie.

Am I saying I am glad it happened? Hell no, but I am realizing that in lifes funny way I got what was best for me, even if it's not what I would choose for myself.

Now I am watching Me, myself, and Irene, a consolation gift from my brief relationship with Alan. It is about an overly nice guy who gets shit on one time to many, and totally loses it. This could be a great movie for me ;)

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