Thursday, February 22, 2007

Adult Temper Tantrum

I used to be a horror to my mother, and it is fair to say my father too, but he deserved it. I threw temper tantrums.

My therapist pointed something out when I mentioned that I had a clean room, but it is messy now after Alan. I mentioned that I just throw stuff anywhere and she said "maybe you are expressing something" and damn it, I think she is right!

I think when I put stuff where it doesn't belong, or eat foods that I am not supposed to, it comes from the place of a rebellious child! The parent in me is always saying "You should eat in moderation" and "You should put things away when you are done with them" and the child in me, when I am feeling really bad is like "I don't have to do what you say" I mean those words actually go through my head, I throw my shirt on the floor and think "I dont have to hang this up" I mean what is the benefit of not re-hanging your shirt? Nothing in itself, but when you think of it as expression, it is saying like "I am entitled to do this" for what ever reason I would want the reward of throwing my shirt on the ground.

So basically I am the parent who has taken over for my mother and father. I never had the power struggles with my dad that I did with my mom, my dad seemed to have little interest in having power over me. So the child in me is acting out against myself, like it did to my mom. I wonder if that is a little of my attitude with sex, like I am being rebellious and slutty acting, because the mom in me cant tell me what to do.

So now, I am going to try to be in the adult mode and clean up my room. Maybe I will have to gently coax the child in me to participate.

Even though this is all happening to me, this is quite facinating!

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