Tuesday, February 20, 2007

Overdoing it

Okay, side note…

I just spoke with a former NBA player, who is now a semi-pro basketball coach who gave me his card, so I can go to a basketball game if I overnight in his city! I meet cool people in my job J

So, back to more depression/anxiety talk…

I figured it out right after I turned off my computer. Here’s my pattern. I am depressed for a very long time, once I get out of my depression I feel frustrated by how much living I have missed while depressed, so I try to cram it all in, I overwhelm myself, and then get depressed again. And why wouldn’t I overwhelm myself, after feeling so weak for so long, having the energy to live makes me feel superhuman! I feel like I could get a PHD in a month, because I can read a book so easily (as long as it isn’t 100 years of Solitude) when before it was so hard.
So the trick is, live my life to the fullest, but not overfull. Live a manageable life, with room for mistakes and flaws, don’t try to make up for lost time, just start where I am. Know that I am not superhuman, but I am also not useless and talent less. Challenge myself, but incrementally, not huge changes all at once.

I think the first step should be to take a class. A psych class at a community college. Or maybe I should be working towards an Associate’s degree so my credits don’t expire. Hmm. But that should be it. I shouldn’t add another class, or another project, just that one class, plus the socializing, housekeeping, healthy eating and exercise, and therapy and medication that all keep me stable.

I really think this is amazing. I got dumped a week ago, I broke up with the man I thought I’d marry 2 months ago, and I can already see myself turning this into a positive. I think I have been very healthy in admitting that I am hurt, and allowing myself, even encouraging myself to be sad, but I also am impressed with my ability to see the silver lining. If anyone reading this thinks “I wish I could be like that, but I always see the negative” I will tell you it is a choice. At first it seems phony. You are saying “I deserve good things” but you really feel like you are lying, but you have to think this way to get better. After awhile, you start believing it a little bit, and then more and more. And the more you start seeing the positive, the less threatening the mental illness becomes. Suddenly you see the “light at the end of the tunnel” and you know that the more you see the positive, the better off you will be, and over time it becomes second nature.

I still can’t believe what a difference therapy has made in my mental health. I feel like before I started therapy I was just floating around, at the mercy of whatever the world threw at me, now I feel in control of my future. I know I cant have my future EXACTLY the way I imagine it, but sometimes we are wrong in the things we think we need.

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