Oh my god I really need to cry. If I don't I swear I will put on a brave face for another few days, and the depression will set in.
That's my pattern I think! I don't cry, so when things upset me I just suck them up and eventually my mind and body shuts down.
So how can I cry? I regret so much the day I was in high school, sitting in my bedroom, and I said to myself "you have to stop crying over your dad's drinking. You have to toughen up and take care of yourself because you are all you have" and I stopped crying after that.
Last night I was almost able to cry as I was remembering my mom. I was remembering having someone who made me their priority. Someone once considered me, and my well being very important. That almost makes me cry because imagining that seems so foriegn to me. Someone taking care of me, and me being able to relax and let them. Once she died I became a burden. Given a TV and allowed to sit in front of it in my room, and on my summer vacations. No one was demanding I go to a camp or play with my friends, I was no longer a priority, I was this thing like "what do we do with this?" Fucking children parading around pretending to be adults. Why the fuck do you reproduce if parenthood is such a challenge to you?
Well, the tears are close, but still not coming. I am going to try to relax and take a nap. I have done a good job today. I deposited a check, picked up some wine from trader joe's, and worked out. I am going to take it easy and hopefully I can mourn a little while.
And side note...I am seeing Charles tomorrow. I hurt to imagine he hurts, I feel bad like I did something wrong, but now, he is willing to be my friend. Who the fuck is he being willing to be my friend? Why doesn't it hurt him too much? FUCK HIM FUCK HIM FUCK ALAN FUCK MY DAD FUCK MY MOM FOR DYING FUCK PASSENGERS WHO DONT FOLLOW RULES FUCK MY TRAINER FOR NOT SETTING UP AN APPOINTMENT FUCK MY ROOMMATE FOR BEING PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE FUCK MY BODY FOR BEING FAT FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!
I just want to be happy! Or not even happy, I just want to live, without being afraid that depression or anxiety is going to jump out and bite me. I just want to relax and live my life day to day, without having to think of the dire consequenses of making mistakes. I just want to be able to feel sad about getting stood up (and may I add USED) by Alan and about being blown off by Charles, instead of being so stoic about it. I want so much to just feel the pain. Feel it Diana, pretending it's not there will not make it go away...it will eat you up if you aren't brave enough to stop pretending to be brave.
Gunna go to bed, and hopefully cry.