Friday, February 16, 2007

The best thing that happened yesterday

I think the best thing that happened yesterday was crying about my mom.

Why am I depressed? Because I don't make a lot of money? Because I don't have a boyfriend? No, because I don't have a mom. I had someone who made me the first priority in their life and had that taken away. I feel continually depressed because I feel unimportant, since I am not important to anyone as people are to their Mothers. I continually feel down because she's gone, I just dont realize that thats what I am sad about because I have felt it for 20 years, so it feels just normal.

Alan being gone (besides making a fool of me) hurts not because of the loss of our relationship, but because of the loss of physical touch and attention. Something I lost when my mom died. Charles filled that hole in me better than anyone ever has. He is so pure and full of love. I wish so much I could live without good sex. But I can't, and if I got back with Charles I would eventually stray, or worse, resent him. Especially after he dismissed my feelings when he was in Kenya, as he surely would do again.

This is why I need male attention so much. I need to be important to someone. See, with that perspective these shallow relationships show themselves to be what they are.

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