Tuesday, May 15, 2007

2:03 AM and nothing to do

I decided to stay up all night so I can sleep on the plane to London. Unfortunately, I was keeping my roommate up thanks to our squeaky floors, and so now a lot of the things I need to get done are off limits, like carrying things in and out of the apartment etc.

So now, while trying to stay up all night, I am sortof sequestered to my room. Shit. That is going to make staying up all night much harder. GRRRRR.

And I haven't written about this much but I don't think my roommate likes me, and sadly I don't really care. Maybe I have written about this already, if I haven't I did at least write it all in my head.

Here's how I feel about my roommate, she is going to Tufts, she was just in Nicaragua doing development, besides the fact that all people are equal, she is superior to me in many ways. There is nothing I can do to change that fact. I was suicidal because I wasn't at her level, what I always thought I should be. So if she thinks shes better than me, let her. I don't think I am terribly inconsiderate, a little messy yes, but thats it.

One thing I noticed is we never reached the relaxed warmth stage. It has always been formal. I have let my guard down a little, but I haven't felt her letting hers down. And I haven't reached out to her much. Fucking Tera ruined me I swear. But again, it's so sad. I just don't care. Like me or don't like me. Big deal.

Thing is she will be here the rest of the summer. Three months is long enough to have a blowout. There already was a minor one, she likes the door locked at all times, and she asked me to keep it locked and I forgot, so she put up a sign. She didn't do it in a passive aggressive way, and she even made a point of letting me know she didn't do it in a passive agressive way, but even so I could tell she was frustrated.

And there have been times I have noticed she was really tense. Seriously, the only reason someone could be tense like that would have to be the mess, or more accurately the less than perfectness of the house, or just finding me annoying, which is also dumb, because she is more annoying than I am.

And I always go back to the superiority thing. I have observed that it must be human nature to not like someone who lives a lifestyle like me (bumming in my room on the computer instead of being active and social.) While logically the way your roommate lives shouldn't bother you as long as it doesn't affect you, I couldn't say that I might not pass judgement myself if the tables were turned. It's just intuition. I cant say for sure that it isn't partially a reflection of my own insecurities.

Well enough of this post. I am going to dick around the web a little while longer until I have given her enough time to fall asleep, then I might do my last minute things and then bounce. If I am at the airport, or in the airport parking lot, I can do what needs to be done, without the worry about disturbing someone else.

OH! And before I go. I want to say that as "superior" as her education and aid work may be to mine, I am at peace. I know that the reason I am where I am in my life is because of my childhood experiences, and that I have really done well for myself in regards to what I have had available to me. I cant compare myself to her, expecting myself to be as advanced as her because she had two parents, a stable home life, and encouragement, if I had those things who knows where I would be. She is not superior to me, even if she has more "accomplished" by the worlds standards.

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