Thursday, May 03, 2007

In a haze

Oh gosh, I have had so many thoughts and feelings today, I have so much to write about, but I am in such a haze. I am really tired from a lack of sleep and from 5 legs of flying today, as well as being two days behind on medication.

First off, the milky teets thing, the novelty is wearing off. It's a real fucking miracle and all when it happens for a baby, but when it's happening because your hormones are just out of whack, its not as cool. My boobs dont hurt, but I am very aware of them. I feel like a mother minus the joy of a new child and a loving husband to go home to (besides ostrich DNA splicing guy of course)

----ooh, side note, I google stalked him and sent him an e-mail. I hopefully phrased everything in a way that it wasn't creepy (maybe I'll post it) I havent recieved a mailer daemon message so thats good-----

So, guess what I learned today, mainline...yeah. Uh, rumor has it mainline starts at $16,000 a year. Yup. 16. No typo. I'll be honest, I didn't feel that scandalized that my airline starts at that, because my airline is the regionals, it's like the minor leagues. You have to tough it out in the beginning to pay your dues. So I have paid my dues, as I have felt is acceptable for the industry, but now mainline expects me to pay my dues again?

It would make sense if I lost about $1,000 a year having to start at a new company on the bottom, but $16,000? I just started being able to afford to eat vegetables, I own a car now. I live a very small, modest life. $20,000 does not get you very much. I have just upgraded to being able to eat vegetables, buy the first shirt not from a thrift store in nearly 2 years, and get to go on vacation (an F/A affording to go use her flying benefits? someone better put a stop to this!) How can I scale back from my already scaled back life? (I could park my car and stop driving and paying insurance I guess [that made me tear up a little- I just got a car for the first time in years!])

And I am learning that mainline is sleazy. I am talking Enron sleazy. They lied about how much money they had so they could go into bankruptsy and break the flight crew's contracts. I heard they are paying off the judge overseeing the case. I want to name names so bad, the only reason I am not is because it would reveal part of my identity, but I want so much to hold up its name, shout it loud, and let everyone know how bad this company is. I am having second thoughts about working there (I will still interview) I don't want to spend my life looking over my shoulder thinking my company will raid me for everything I have worked for (they seem like the type of company that after 50 years would find a way to not give you your 401K match!)

There is a well liked company in my city that I might try for. It doesn't fly internationally though :( But it's a better trade off to feel a little security than to feel paranoid and crabby all the time, just to go to Japan and be jet-lagged the whole time.

I am having fun on the personals site. I am corresponding with a guy who works in "post-production" in films and bakes in his spare time and an Astrophysicist. No, neither of them live in my city, but one step at a time, right? I even effectively blew off my first psycho, I am proud of that because in the past I would have felt obliged to meet him even though his 8 paragraph rant on George Bush in his first e-mail to me really weirded me out.

One last thing, I am no longer afraid of going off my medication during pregnancy. Today, when suffering from medication withdrawl I felt a lot of tension and thought some irrational things (like about bloody revolutions against corporate greed like the ones that took place in the olden days) but I knew that the ways I was thinking was not natural for me. I saw the bad feelings as abnormal and the calm feelings as normal, and not the other way around like before therapy and risperdal. Also Buddhism is easier to study when you aren't happy. It's easier to tell you are doing something right when you feel it in contrast to pain. Hard to explain what I mean.

If I have a good support system, I think I will not only survive without medication during pregnancy and breastfeeding, I will grow from it.

Okay- I SO gotta go to sleep!

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