Wednesday, May 02, 2007

I'm Lactating

It’s like the universe is playing a trick on me. I start lactating and then the internet won’t connect so I can look online to find out WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?

Yeah…Lactating, like milk is coming out of my breasts. My breasts are producing milk. I cannot fucking believe it.

I’m assuming it must have something to do with the vaccinations I got, it must have thrown my hormones out of whack. OH MY GOD THERE IS MILK COMING FROM MY BREASTS!

I wondered if I could be pregnant, but I have not been having enough sex to get pregnant. The only sexual experience I have had recently was with my neighbor, plus some underwear on dry humping with Ashram. Oh, and of course there is immaculate conception. Anyway, does a person lactate while they are pregnant, or only after they have given birth?

It’s my biological clock ticking a little louder. Its saying “See how cool this is? You can feed a baby with these, NOW HURRY UP AND GET KNOCKED UP!”

This is unbelievably cool, although I really maybe should be concerned that something weird is going on with my body. I guess I would be more concerned if I could actually read about it online, but I cant get it to hook up. (I am writing this on the word processor) This could not be a worse time for the internet to go away.

Here is what I am hoping is happening…I am hoping that this will continue, and that I will have to start pumping them. That means I would lose weight, lots of weight! And I wouldn’t be worn down by a baby, I could actually enjoy my skinniness.

Maybe I can pump the milk and give it to moms with HIV (I can’t though, I am taking all this medication)

This is so fucking weird. I hope it’s nothing to be worried about.


I went to the lobby because I couldn’t stand it anymore. The internet said that breast milk production could be caused by a pituitary tumor, and then, when I looked up “Breastmilk production, risperdal” It said risperdal was linked to pituitary tumors. So great! I might have a brain tumor! Want to know something weird? I feel no anxiety right now. No anxiety about being pregnant, and no anxiety about having a brain tumor. Why am I, a person with generalized anxiety disorder, not feeling anxiety right now? Maybe it’s because I am keeping my cool until I know whats going on.

How the hell am I supposed to sleep tonight? How the hell am I supposed to work this trip? This is beyond weird. I wish so much the internet said this was normal.


It may not be a tumor, it could just be a side effect of risperdal. Oh great, now I am going to have to go off the risperdal. The upside is I might lose some of my weight since risperdal slows the metabolism, but still, generalized anxiety disorder is SO ANNOYING! Its like having a record player playing in your head, so you cant think about anything else, only these repeating obsessive thoughts. The one that always goes through my head is that people dislike me. OH MY GOD THAT SUCKS! I cant even read books when I am anxious like that.

To add to the comedy, I didn't pack my medication, so I have 2 nights without either medication. Fortunately I have a very light day tomorrow.

I was stressed on the plane thinking about having no money while starting on mainline, I don't know if I could survive without money OR anxiety quelling medication!

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