Sunday, January 14, 2007

Anxiety Attack

I spoke to Charles today and when I told him I want him to be happy he said "there is no happiness without you" and that he is really hoping I reconsider. He says he can see now that he made a mistake in how he responded to me when he was gone.

I feel so sick in my chest I just want to gorge myself with food. Thats what helps anxiety, food, alcohol, or drugs. I just feel so anxious.

I feel like by breaking up with Charles, I have done something extremely, extremely wrong. I feel guilt like you can't believe. He is suffering, and it's all my fault. I have hurt the person I love and who loves me.

I wish my appointment with my therapist was sooner. Maybe I should call her and see if I can reschedule.

I am feeling calmer already. I can see that I am probably responding in an unhealthy way to this all. I should probably stop feeling guilty. He will recover from this. Happiness is not really gone without me, he's just sad from the stress he is going through. He will probably go through a depression right now because of the stress in his life, but that is not my fault. AAAH, the anxiety is subsiding a little. Again, Charles and I are TWO SEPARATE PEOPLE, I can feel my own pain, I dont need to feel his pain. I want to take his pain away, but the only way I can is to get back together with him, is that what I want? Yes, until I remember that the sex was not fun for me. I am not supposed to be with him...

...Eh, can I tell you all something? I feel guilty telling you this, even though I share everything on my blog and all identities are concealed, I will go ahead and say it, but I feel like I am betraying him by sharing this. He never seemed to be fully hard. Even when I went down on him! He doesn't take any anti-depressants, the only medicine he takes is a allergy medicine, and hes only 34 so I have no clue why it is. It could likely be stress. He has the weight of his whole family on his shoulders. He is a black immigrant in a sometimes unfriendly, foriegn, stressful culture, and he is completing a PHD. But I can't help but wonder if the lack of chemistry isn't mutual. Or maybe he feels my body's indifference to him, and so he isn't turned on enough.

There is SOME attraction. When I saw him I just wanted to latch myself to him. But in bed we just arent on the same wavelength, I don't feel that connection with him, and when I would try to look into his eyes during sex, he would be huffing away, looking straight through me it seemed.

So if the only way I can take away his pain is to be back with him, I will have to make the choice, go back with him or let go of the rediculous notion that I have to take away his pain. Which is it? I have never broken up with someone I truly love, and I have never truly loved someone like I love him. So no wonder it's hard for me.

I really hope he will be okay, now I need to assert some boundaries and not let him tug on my heartstrings so much, my health depends on it.


Lavender said...

i hate giving advice, but who am i kidding? take care of you. think about you, think about you in 10 years or so. where do you see yourself? how do you see yourself? and don't limit yourself to either/ or options. there are plenty of options out there!!!


Diana Crabtree said...

The point of presenting things as either/or is I am intentionally limiting myself to options that don't let me wallow in guilt and anxiety.

I have to face that his being in pain is a consequence of the choice of breaking up, and that if I am going to make the choice to not be with him, I cannot feel guilt for it.

Becoming ill with anxiety is not an option I am willing to entertain.

Lavender said...

that is a healthy outlook right there!