Tuesday, January 16, 2007

silly silly

My roommate was just telling me how she is disgusted by her lack of motivation, how she is pushing all of her friends away, and how tired she is all the time. Being an expert on depression, and having the respect for her that I assume she knows that "being depressed" or "being anxious" are normal, and a part of every human being's life I said "It sounds like your depressed."

Silly silly me. "Oh no, I'm not depressed, I just need a project" she says. Well EXCUUUUUSE ME! I suppose that by saying she was depressed I was accusing her of a character flaw. I know for a fact that she feels a feeling of superiority being "different" than me. I see it when she looks at the mess in my room, and she lets her "feelings" slip out here and there.

The wi-fi drops out on my computer a lot. I know a few things about computers, she knows nothing. So some days the wi-fi is worse than others, but I don't think there is much I can do about it, because I set the router up myself, & I bought it for 5 dollars at a garage sale. Well she says "why don't you call the cable company?" Well doing that wont work because A) the router isn't theirs, and at worst they might try to charge me for using the ISP for 2 computers. B) It's not the cable company, I know that much. if any cable company had service that bad, no one would buy it & C) dealing with a computer means sitting, resetting things, sitting on hold for a half hour, and the worry that things will just get worse, a dumb thing to do when the wi-fi will be working again in 10 minutes. So when she comes up with this idea I am unenthusiastic about it, and she says "I don't know, for some reason these things bother me more." For some reason that pissed me off, because I could read from her tone that she saw my desire not to call as not fixing the problem, instead of not thinking that is the solution to the problem. And even if it was, the stress of that is worse than the waiting 10 minutes.

So she wants to call, so I give her the number, she calls, and then the automated system tells her to unplug the modem. This is so dumb and elementary, and I know for a fact that this isn't the solution, because a person can sense when the connection is completely gone, you can just sense it by the way the computer behaves, but I went along with it, maybe to prove her wrong. Well once that was done the router needed resetting, which requires plugging and unplugging things in a certian order, but required an instruction page that had turned up missing. So instead of relaxing on a day that I was very worn out, I was sorting through papers trying to find the paper. Naturally the wi-fi reappeared on its own, (she didn't even notice!) so all of this added stress to my day was useless.

So I am too tired to go into the implications of it all. Basically I feel like she sees the symptoms of my depression and anxiety as being character flaws, instead of symptoms. I think she sees some of my coping tools as being flaws, instead of tools I use, unglamorous as they may be.

Yes, going out, being social and dressing well are good things, but the fact that I have a hard time with them doesn't mean I don't recognize the value of them, it means I have a hard time with them. This is why I have problems with roommates. They see the symptoms as a part of my character, and I resent them for not understanding how desperately hard I work to live like they do effortlessly. It appears that this case is no different.

And it is tiring having this girl be so depressed all the time (I see the symptoms, I don't see her as "disgusting" the way she describes herself)

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