Monday, January 15, 2007

Now WAIT a minute!

This guilt about breaking up with Charles is the same damn guilt I have felt for years. It is what has kept me from breaking up with guys, in fear of hurting them. It is a guilt that comes from the angle that I dont matter.

Charles says "There is no happiness without Diana" while intending to be cute, is a completely inaccurate statement. Charles survived 5 months without me, without any part of me but the idea of me and an "I love you" every week or two. It is just now, that I am not waiting in the wings for him, that he is valuing me.

I don't deserve to feel guilty. I stayed by his side faithfully for 5 months. I was more patient than any American born woman would ever be, unless she had no other options.

By saying I am hurting him, and saying things like "There is no happiness without Diana" he is just hurting me all over again.

And god-damn it! He isn't a bad guy. Just sort of clueless. Completely, utterly, clueless.

1 comment:

Lavender said...

UCK. Please don't take that cluelessness as endearing, because if you let him manipulate you then he will never get better, it will never stop. you will always be second to him, important when you threaten to leave, and then the niceness comes out. he seems afraid of change. he has no place making you feel guilty. next time he perks up with that, maybe throw it back at him. Make him feel guilty about ignoring you. Say, see that's how I felt when you were gone, unhappy without you, and you didn't care. You didn't write, you didn't call, send flowers or little love notes. i could go on, but i am kinda tired. sorry.

ttyl