Monday, January 08, 2007

I am so happy to be tired and under stress!

I suppose the time to review the year is often done around new year’s, but I didn’t feel the need to do that, since every day is a day to review how far you have come, every day is the beginning or end of a year. Today I am sitting near the pool, in the sun in Tulsa, just like I was at new years a year ago in my post “Of course I end up standing next to the naked guy.” In that post I discussed getting drunk and making out with a boy, and how renewing it felt, and just last week I got drunk and made out with a boy, which felt very renewing. Last new years I faced the world as a single girl, and now I will soon face the world as a single girl. And last year in January I met a dreamboat named Charles, now this year I have met a man named Alan, who is turning out to be impressive.

The parallels are a good thing, because my good time in sunny Florida was an inspiration to have more fun in my life, and although the partying did not last (a good thing I am sure) my year was much better than the year prior. It would be a wonderful thing if this year went better than the year before, because last year was pretty good.

This is two years now that I have been writing a blog, and two years that I have been in therapy. I think going to therapy is the best thing I ever did. If I hadn’t gone to therapy, I could have faced my life as a woman with mental illness, always adding more and more medication, but never really escaping my painful past. Now, having done the work of therapy, I see myself as a woman who has had a difficult life, with the added difficulty of genetic predisposition for anxiety and depression, but who is unlearning the unhealthy thinking patterns that lead to further depression and anxiety.

Just look at me, I am taking care of myself as best as I can, not because I hate myself, but because I love myself and deserve it! Back in the day I wanted to lose weight because I considered myself worthless if I wasn’t beautiful, and I couldn’t even tell how beautiful I was. Today I want to lose weight because my heart and body deserves to work efficiently, and I want a good quality of life, because I deserve it. Years ago I took Metabolife, something that made my anxiety WORSE and that contained ephedrine, which has proven to be unhealthy for my body, but I still took it, I loathed myself so much that I would hurt my body in order to lose weight, instead of losing weight to help my body.

I can’t believe I am writing this about myself today. I was so sick, so sick. I thought I would never be happy again. I wanted to kill myself, because I thought life wouldn’t ever get better, but it did! I am so grateful that I stuck it out, that I had faith that life could be better, that I can see a future for myself, I never did back then. I am so proud!!!

The best part of having my blog is this very moment. I see that a few dozen people read my blog. I imagine they are attracted to it because I discuss issues like depression and suicide. It makes me so happy to imagine that someone who feels suicidal might see my blog, because I am living proof that a person can be as low as wanting to kill themselves, but if they just hold on, and just take tiny, tiny steps to make life better, sometimes that step is just not killing yourself, sometime that tiny step is just getting out of bed and going to work. I am proof that just by doing that. By having faith in medicine an psychology, you will get better!!! In fact, I think I will add some tags to this. I hope so much someone who is at the bottom will see this and see that just because they are underwater, there is air! Its up there, you just have to know its up there, keep moving, inch by inch, up there, getting help from medical professionals who study what makes people get to the point you are at, and just don’t give up. Don’t give up.

If you have been hurt or neglected in your life, its not your fault. It’s totally unfair. Know it and own it that it was unfair for you to be hurt, and in addition know it and own it that you will not hurt and neglect yourself. They shouldn’t have done it to you, and you shouldn’t do it to yourself, extending that pain out forever.

Today I feel tired and pretty blah, but feeling tired and pretty blah is a dream come true in comparison to being depressed. I feel under a lot of stress, I have to break up with my beloved boyfriend, my work schedule is heavy, and working out and losing weight isn’t as easy as I want it to be, but again, being stressed is a dream come true compared to being anxious about every little thing that could happen, worrying all the time that people hate me, worrying about money, worrying about everything, feeling guilty all the time. I’ll take the stress based on actual things, thank you very much. I might be having a hard week, but my life, looking at it with perspective, is going very well.

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