Wednesday, January 17, 2007

I Feel down

I am so angry at my roommate right now. I had such a good night, I just feel so angry that she had to bring me back down.

Tomorrow the two of us have plans. I am going to have to tell her that I am angry at her, because otherwise the whole day will be tense and unpleasant.

I am really upset that I have yet another roommate that I don't get along with. It makes me feel like a failure. In a way I am "failing" not in a self beating up way, but there has to be some common denominator of why I cant get along with roommates. It may be that I am an introvert and I might become cold or hostile towards people who I have to share space with. Whatever it is it hurts.

I can't help but extend this out to to men. I just wish Charles would be able to give me what I need, because I feel so good with him. I feel calm and safe. I already have big question marks about Alan, not because of him, but because I may be to angry inside to open up, be my gentle self, and allow good things to happen.

I want to cry so bad right now, but I cant get it out. I wish I could cry, that is what I need. When I was dating Charles I was more able to cry. Come on Diana, let it go...let it out! On everybody loves raymond the wife can cry when she is in the mood. I would KILL for that. God damn it, how much better would my life be if I was able to cry when I need to. I have become to rigid, too fearful of losing control, I need to find a way to get this skill back. That would make things so much better.

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