Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Day 3 & 4 of reduced Risperdal

Besides having a hard time functioning before coffee this morning I have been fine today, even cheery, but last night was a different story.

Instead of calling the new guy Saddiq I am going to call him Saaed. I went straight to Saaed's from work, planning to spend the night, fuck his brains out, and head back to work in the morning. As we walked to his place he said "you should have been there Saturday" (he went to a club) I said what happened? And he didn't have much to say. All of a sudden Ice Queen took over me. I was smiling on the outside, but in the inside I was thinking "that fucker! I am having sex with him and he is picking up chicks"

I took a shower while he made dinner and I was fuming in there! But why? He's not my boyfriend and who's to say I wouldn't date another person if I was asked out. What I felt like was a fool. I felt like he is using me for sex, he is a sweet talker and smoothie and I am just a notch in his bedpost. I decided to go home. I REALLY didn't want to have sex, not feeling cheap and stupid like this.

I got out of the shower and told him my plan. I said I will go home after dinner because I want to sleep tonight "get it? SLEEP" I said. He said I should stay, and I could sleep. I thought "good- I got out of having sex." He was embracing me and kissing me and I was just stiff, I didn't want him touching me. I said "I'm going to lay down on the couch, wake me up when the foods ready"

I laid down but didnt fall asleep. I realized that the way I was thinking is the definition of "a psycho" what people call their exes. No, I was not behaving psychotic but I think the word means, when discussing dating, people who act irrational. I realized if a guy were to be the same way (if he told me about it- I didn't tell Saaed what was going on inside my head) that I would find it unacceptable. So I chilled out and enjoyed the evening.

Before bed I told him "No groping before 5AM" (when I spent the night last week he started initiating things in the middle of the night) Well when the sun was not out yet I woke up and just wrapped my arms around him affectionatly. Next thing I know he is wrapped around me, on top of me, taking of my underwear. I asked "what time is it?" he said "time to have some fun" I said "no fun before 5" and he said "I think it's 5." I let him have sex with me, though I didn't participate much. Afterwards I checked the clock, it was 4:30. I called him on it and he said "It's almost 5" what a fucker.

In the end, my extreme jealousy (likely increased by losing the Risperdal) is really stupid. Lets face it, he's not a boyfriend he's a lover. We don't have flowing conversations, they are mostly about how beautiful I am or how our day was. (favorite subjects of mine.) I am sure I will lose interest in him once the novelty of having sex with such a great looking guy wears off.

In the end, I want to love Charles again. I really do. I saw him the other day and videotaped him, and watching the videotape makes me smile. He is back in Kenya for 2 months now, his mom is sick, I hope she doesn't die. He is pretty rude, he keeps trying to get me to kiss him, I need to be more forceful about stopping him, instead of laughing it off as a joke. Let's be real here, I am stringing him along. My words say "we are over- time to move on" but my body language (and heart) says "wait for me to get these other guys out of my system- then we can get married." Thing is, as long as he is bugging me for kisses, I don't want him, I can't imagine wanting him back until he backs off and gives me my personal space. I think it's me that needs to move on.

Wish me luck as the withdrawl continues!

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