Tuesday, June 26, 2007

He called

I couldn't answer.

I don't know what the hell I am doing. I feel confused.

I want to talk to him again and for everything to be alright, but for what? If he became my boyfriend I think I could enjoy it but he's not the one.

UH I have such an ache in my throat. I don't know what I am doing.

Maybe I should stay with him and NOT have a relationship, thats what he wants, thats what I want. Maybe I should call him and tell him that. I just dont know.

I am so damaged sexually. I started way too young, and I pushed myself into it when I wasn't ready. Sometimes I envy the crazy women who wait for marriage and have no idea that their husband is a bad lover.

I'm not just damaged sexually I am damaged in relationships. My dad's drinking really royally fucked me up.

I don't like how I am sounding right now. I am sounding like a victim not someone empowered. I wonder if it is the anxiety from losing the Risperdal. I am feeling so damaged and difficult to manage right now. I got so rediculously jealous when imagining Saaed was dating other girls. I wouldn't be like that with the Risperdal.

I hate this feeling of not being able to trust my own feelings. I am a basketcase. I am not thinking like the calm rational woman I consider myself to be. I just feel like a wreck. It would be easier to just make Saaed go away. But if I can't deal with these emotions, how can I ever have a relationship with someone more suited for me? Oh shit...thats the anxiety talking "what if, what if...bla bla bla"

I am contemplating calling him. Errrrrr. I just dont know

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