Tuesday, June 26, 2007

The nicest breakup I ever had

Well I called him back, and we chatted kindly, he was not a pussy, he was willing to talk right away, and he said I was probably right, we should go our own ways. But he wants to be friends, of course, as is polite to say.

Looking at the situation now I feel like I behaved like a psycho. I behaved unbalanced, because my emotions were (are) unbalanced, and...

I just called him again, I told him it would help me to know that my instincts were right, that he just wants to play the field right now. He said only partly, that he would also like to settle down and have kids. I said "okay, then it's my loss, I have made mistakes before and I can see that I have made one." He said I don't have to be so formal, that we have gotten to know each other for some time now. I thanked him and asked him to initiate any friendship, since I am too chicken.

He thinks I am nuts. I broke the spell and behaved like a "psycho." The fact that he doesn't want me back is proof that he is a healthy guy and worthy of my time, now that I have pushed him away.

He's an idiot- who calls someone "Jasmine" anyway?

Okay- to look at the situation in a healthy way, I made some mistakes. I should have waited to talk to him when I was calm, instead of railing on him, saying "look, if we are looking for different things than it's just fine, we can go our own ways. I dont want to waste my time." I unleased all the anger I have about my dad, and every guy who has treated me as unimportant, on him.

I cant erase it, its done. I can learn from it and not do that again. I also CANNOT beat myself up about it! That is my old pattern. There will be no internal shouting at myself "Diana your so stupid, you screwed it up" I am only allowed to say "that is so unfortunate, please learn from this Diana and dont do it again."

And I just thought of this. I have been used so much for sex because I am hopelessly naive about it. No one taught me the birds and the bees, no one taught me how to look out for myself with boys, so I always just assumed that when someone was having sex with me regularly that they liked or cared about me at least somewhat. So I got terribly hurt because I could not see the blaringly obvious signs that I was only a plaything. So now I am stuck with the belief that anyone I am sleeping with regularly could potentially see me as a plaything, even when the signs point to no, I am not. I wish I would have explained to him that it was sweet naivete that led me to be hurt in the past, instead of making it appear like a pattern that I may behave unstable like this on a regular basis.

HMMMM, I am regretting my part in this so much right now. I think I screwed up. Learn from it Diana, Learn from it

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