I have been depressed on and off for the last few days, including suicidal ideation. It is time now for me to stop taking Risperdal altogether (after talking to my Psychiatrist first) and I feel iffy about it.
I just HATE being anxious, and the anxiety just makes me depressed right away. Who knew? I am just so sensitive to the littlest bits of stress. It's terrible.
I think that part of the problem is my thinking patterns, I feel anxious or depressed and then I "globalize" it, meaning I extend my moment of discomfort into my whole life, and I assume my whole life will feel the way I am feeling at that moment, and I get more depressed. I also have been feeling awful after being dumped, I was dumped because I flew off the handle, and that makes me feel like an undesirable partner, which makes me think I will die alone and then of course I feel depressed then (can you see these unhealthy patterns? I feel tense because the canada dry is in the back of the cart and therefore I will die alone!)
I am hoping I can stave off a permanent depression by deep breathing, working out more (and tracking my Weight Watchers points- 3 days so far!) And socializing more. I also plan to do the well respected "Anxiety and Phobia Workbook" And I am definately going back to therapy.
But I am still mad. When I get anxious like this I get so stuck in the feelings of unfairness. Maybe I wouldn't be this anxious if I had a mom. Maybe I wouldn't be this anxious if my dad wasn't drunk my whole adolecence. Why did I have to get punished with this brain chemistry when my life was already so shitty?
Maybe I will stay at a half dose of risperdal until the bottle runs out. Otherwise it will go to waste anyways. I will ask my doctor.
I am hopeful for the best. I cant say I haven't grown in the last 2 years at all, that it was just the Risperdal helping me, so I can't say I will go back to being like I was. I just hope I can get married and have a family one day. I don't want to be an outsider anymore. I want what everyone else has.