Sunday, October 09, 2005

What do I do?

Tonight I went for coffee with a man who is just right on paper, and thinks I am pretty hot. The only thing really wrong with him is he smokes and is a libertarian and I prefer someone left-wing.

I spent 2 hours with him and kissed him for a minute or so (he's a good kisser) but do not feel turned on at all right now! Am I supposed to? Keep in mind, I am DEATHLY afraid of genuine intimacy. I am just so mad right now, he is just right for me. I was able to end the kissing, and I havn't had sex since Mr. Detroit- AGES ago. Yet after going to the post office with my unavailable neighbor I was rearing to go!

Please PLEASE PLLLLLLLEEEEEEEAAAASE tell me that it is BECAUSE he is so great that I am not turned on, not because the chemistry isn't there. PLEASE! I would rather DIE right now than reject someone! I would rather DIE right now than reject someone who seems like such a good match- no, great match. I really think he seems great, I am just so chicken. He makes trancy techno music as a creative outlet, but has a big money day job.

I do sort of think this is my defense mechanisms kicking in. I can almost visualize my arm outstreched saying "thats your life- this is my life." I am pushing him away because he is a decent human being who I could enjoy spending time with.

Yeah- I have learned through my life that when you love something it gets snatched away from you, so if I have the chance to love something- why in gods name would I do it?

But, on the other hand, I have learned what diving in head first does, it kills it. We had our first kiss on the same day as our first phone call. JESUS I am SOOOOO good at letting things go too fast! Maybe I end up having to push people away because I am so strongly beckoning them in.

Or, I like people to move very slowly so thats why I like unavailable men, I have the opportunity to get to know them without having to deal with all of the sex stuff, and with one night stands I can get the sex without having to deal with all of the caring stuff.

And hey! Maybe I am old fashioned! Maybe kissing isn't appropriate on the first date (unless of course there is no second date) maybe I just want to be treated with the respect of space! Yeah!

mood: aaaaaaaaah!

UPDATE: I just got a nice e-mail from him. He suggested "MacDuff" for his psuedonym, MacDuff it is :)

24 comments:

Satan said...

I guess it's hard to be turned on when you're freaked out. Of course you were ready after goingto the post office - there's was a limited chance anything would happen.

Just relax, you had a good date... Yay! You had your first kiss... Yay! And, now you have an email from MacDuff... Yay! It all sounds good, one step at a time : )

Diana Crabtree said...

Thanks :) Thats what I wanted to hear :)

Satan said...

Soooooo, when are you getting married?

Diana Crabtree said...

You or someone in the fam had a flu :( I was missing you :(

Diana Crabtree said...

SHAT AHHHHHHP!

Satan said...

I've got the flu... I'm at home today. I couldn't stand the idea of hacking and coughing all over everyone.

Satan said...

Hehehehehehhe

Diana Crabtree said...

And guess what I made for lunch- Chicken soup! I think I was reaching out psychicly, trying to make you feel better.

Satan said...

Day time TV really sucks, you should definately blog instead of wtching TV.

Satan said...

Thanks - I'm really sick of soup though. All the hungarian uncle makes is soup, weeks and weeks of soup... Arrrrrgggggghhhhh not soup again. Yes, yes, it was very nice the first time... excuse while I stick this ladle up your arse, bloody soup again, Nooooooo!

Diana Crabtree said...

Was it...Hungarian Goulash?

Satan said...

Everything that hungarians cook have parprika in it. So it all tastes very similar to goulash. I used to like it!

Diana Crabtree said...

I feel so guilty saying this- you cheer me up and then suddenly I have to go? But it is 12:40 here and I have to get up around 6AM for a 3 day trip

But you know what? I think you are SOUPer!

Diana Crabtree said...

For some reason in the US people say "Hungarian Goulash" alot.

Diana Crabtree said...

Maybe you will like it again once variety has been re-introduced- hope so :)

Diana Crabtree said...

Wait- I dont like him- never mind! Dont eat his soup!

Satan said...

Actually I was going to say that I'm going back to bed, so you sleep well and I hope you enjoy your trip.

Diana Crabtree said...

Thanks, drink lots of water (but no soup) ;)

Satan said...

Will do,

Glad you had a good date, stay cool. *hugs*

Jay said...

You shouldn't feel badly about dumping him if he isn't Mr. Right. However, if you're not sure, then give him a second chance. Or a third, or a fourth. If he has potential, give him time. It's hard to just build a relationship out of thin air, so do try to be a tiny bit patient, and see if things change. Sometimes you just need time.

Geoff said...

"he is libertarian and I prefer someone left-wing."

I thought Libertarians were on the left. Am I wrong? I consider myself a pseudo-Libertarian and I am far from the right.

Diana Crabtree said...

Thanks Jay. Those reminders to be patient are really helpful

Diana Crabtree said...

Great point Geoff, I wasn't clear about what I meant.

I would prefer someone who doesn't want government involvement in personal issues, (like a libertarian) but, unlike a libertarian DOES want government involved in economic issues (progressive taxation, regulation on corporations)

You know about this axis right? :

http://www.politicalcompass.org/

Thanks for reading and commenting :)

Geoff said...

Ahh,

Your political compass
Economic Left/Right: -0.50
Social Libertarian/Authoritarian: -2.36