Tonight I went for coffee with a man who is just right on paper, and thinks I am pretty hot. The only thing really wrong with him is he smokes and is a libertarian and I prefer someone left-wing.
I spent 2 hours with him and kissed him for a minute or so (he's a good kisser) but do not feel turned on at all right now! Am I supposed to? Keep in mind, I am DEATHLY afraid of genuine intimacy. I am just so mad right now, he is just right for me. I was able to end the kissing, and I havn't had sex since Mr. Detroit- AGES ago. Yet after going to the post office with my unavailable neighbor I was rearing to go!
Please PLEASE PLLLLLLLEEEEEEEAAAASE tell me that it is BECAUSE he is so great that I am not turned on, not because the chemistry isn't there. PLEASE! I would rather DIE right now than reject someone! I would rather DIE right now than reject someone who seems like such a good match- no, great match. I really think he seems great, I am just so chicken. He makes trancy techno music as a creative outlet, but has a big money day job.
I do sort of think this is my defense mechanisms kicking in. I can almost visualize my arm outstreched saying "thats your life- this is my life." I am pushing him away because he is a decent human being who I could enjoy spending time with.
Yeah- I have learned through my life that when you love something it gets snatched away from you, so if I have the chance to love something- why in gods name would I do it?
But, on the other hand, I have learned what diving in head first does, it kills it. We had our first kiss on the same day as our first phone call. JESUS I am SOOOOO good at letting things go too fast! Maybe I end up having to push people away because I am so strongly beckoning them in.
Or, I like people to move very slowly so thats why I like unavailable men, I have the opportunity to get to know them without having to deal with all of the sex stuff, and with one night stands I can get the sex without having to deal with all of the caring stuff.
And hey! Maybe I am old fashioned! Maybe kissing isn't appropriate on the first date (unless of course there is no second date) maybe I just want to be treated with the respect of space! Yeah!
UPDATE: I just got a nice e-mail from him. He suggested "MacDuff" for his psuedonym, MacDuff it is :)