Monday, October 03, 2005

Old patterns die hard

Ooh! Ooh! I am just Ooh!

So predictable! Ahhh!

Boys and Girls, I met a potential boy- and I did a great job for a day or so, and then I- Ooh!

Here's how it happened. Love is in the damn air, and it has popped into my head more than once that meeting someone might be on the horizon. Well the day I had DQ with Andy, I felt really frustrated about my pattern of falling exclusively for unavailable men, and I got an e-mail from a personals site I visited a year or so ago saying "you have 2 unread messages"

I had my profile hidden, but I checked to see them anyway. They were just stupid messages from the site, but while logged in I clicked on a button that finds people who match you based on both people's preferences. My top match was just, woah. Everything just matched. I initially clicked on his profile because he had a stupid handle, but when I saw his face, that was it. He looked like that fun guy, who always has a girlfriend, and I always wish I would have liked him when I was younger instead of the hot idiots. Every word in his profile read like something I would have written, or a way I would describe myself.

Well I had the guts to contact him and it appeared to be a pretty good match (minus some corny phrases but dorkyness is not a dump-worthy quality.) I even had a day of being too excited, but I was able to calm myself down and we wrote a few cool messages to each other.

Well today I went back to look at his profile and I noticed a red X under the "body type" category. It wasn't there before. This could be explained because the personals site has made changes this week (why I got the e-mails from them) so they have changed the categories likely. The choices I had to choose from for body type were "Average," "Ample," "A little extra padding" and "Large." "Ample" seemed like the perfect decription. I am definately heavier than average, but I am blessed with good proportions so my extra weight comes of as "Pa-dow" so "Ample" has all of the accuracy of my heaviness with a positive spin to it.

Well any man that likes a zaftig woman would include "Ample" and "A little extra padding" in his acceptable choices. I don't want a guy to like me "anyway" I want a guy to like all of me, to think that I am hot, ample, pa-dow. It is completely possible at my weight and I need that, not acceptance, appreciation. I wrote him a polite note that said, paraphrased, "Looks like our preferences arent compatible- it's a shame but better we realize it now than later."

I realize now that I didn't even give it a chance. He very possibly could have seen me and thought I was georgeous (I am much cuter in person than I am in awkward arm-length photographs) but I never gave that possibility a thought. "Pre-emptive strike" was my roommate's words. I did a good job, for 3 or so days, of hiding my insecurity- but he, intentionally or not, touched on a tender spot and I recoiled.

I feel hopeful. With each post I write I get farther along. Just posting that I am afraid of available men helped me get the courage to contact one. And posting about Batman months ago taught me to not get too excited and move too fast. I am not sure if I blew this one, I hope I didn't. I hope it was the right thing to do, that I am not "his type" and I saved myself some heartache, but I could have at least met him and taken the chance that we might be attracted to each-other. If I had taken the chance I might have been rejected, but I might not have. But old patterns die hard.

mood: disappointed, but much better than an hour ago, or worse, a few hours ago when I discovered that damn red X. Why couldn't he be one of those guys who like their girls with "a little extra?!" God I love those guys!

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