Friday, October 28, 2005


I feel depressed today, and I haven't felt actual depression in quite awhile, only sadness or anger, but not actual depression.

I have done a very good job of juggling quite a few things, but I am running completely out of energy. I have some things I need to get accomplished today (need, not want to) and I am just too worn out. To add to the suckyness I have a therapy appointment that I cancelled for a party for my Mother-figure aunt, and I still could go, but I have alot of housework for company and packing that I have to complete first. I could do it all, but my body is in depressed mode, so my energy and enthusiasm is low.

I am not certain that it is completely depression. I have been working out quite a bit (for me) eating less (giving up a coping mechanism of mine) and it is very possible my body is literally tired. I also begin my period soon, so I assume some PMS is involved. I imagine I should feel quite proud that I have done so well in these circumstances :)

I am feeling better already since I have started writing. I miss blogging and I miss my "IM style banter" routine with one of my readers. (I have gotten enough kind reactions from the people I really respect saying that that doesnt bother them- its not meant as a slight and yes I could keep it on topic by moving it to email, but thats, hard) I think that in the last month I have taken a leap into the world, which is healthy, but maybe I should have been writing more as a way to center myself. I am not shaming myself, I have made an effort, I am just reminding myself how much writing has helped me grow (not to mention the AMAZING people I have met!) so why stop?

The worst of all of this is Jessie is leaving. Oh my god we had so much fun! We were like schoolgirls talking about the boys we love "MMMMM Tim (Martin Freeman) MMMMM Jason Bateman MMMMM Extra-eyebrow-arch-man (Shah Rukh Khan) They're so DREAMY!" I am going to miss her like crazy, and I have no time or energy to treat her like gold like I want to before she leaves :(

I will survive all of this, and I will do my best not to slip into a full-on depression (cross your fingers for me) I am very tired.

On the upside, the boy, BK...amazing. I dont know where to start. We have a date next week for golfing (I cant wait) he is very smart, seems very healthy, and is not pushy at all! I was terribly nervous the whole time, I said one really stupid thing but corrected it, and he said I was very beautiful :) <---blushing

mood: don't ask! (its better since I wrote)

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