Friday, October 07, 2005

To understand your big ass, look at the big picture

Last week I put myself on a local personals site, I got rejected (Carrie said I rejected him- I like that) but I think it has been and is a really good experience for me.

When on a personals site, -or for those of you who date without computer assistance- when out in the dating world, you are put in a position to look at yourself. You are forced to look at the person you want to be and how that compares to the person you see yourself as, and it forces you to examine how you are percieved, and how that compares to what is considered "desirable."

I know that some people could see what I am about to write as being a negative statement, but I don't see it that way. Being on a personals site has made me realize that I am fat. When I imagine myself I guess I think of myself as being "girl-next-doorish" maybe a little plain, but the photo in my head of what I look like is not fat, its curvy but still slim, and it doesn't match the way I am percieved. I think I have the man's way of looking at themselves (which is good to a point of course) where I see the positives in my appearance, and overlook the negatives that arent unavoidably obvious.

Seeing which men are interested, and which men are not interested, who I assumed would be, is helping me shift the angle I am looking at things a bit. It is showing me that if I expect people to find me attractive at my weight, then I need to find them attrative at my weight too (which I do.) The same goes for personality qualities, what flaws in me do I want people to overlook? Would I overlook them in others? Which men look unappealing to me? Why? Do I share any of these qualities? I know I have to be careful not to let myself get drained by this process, but I think the opposite might happen. I can say for one thing, the day I hung out with the neighbors' BF I ended up cleaning for hours. Just spending positive time with the opposite sex has a positive affect of some sort, and we all know sex has a positive affect as well :)

I am starting to watch what I eat again, sort of so I can feel more attractive, but also as an experiment to see what influence my weight and eating has on my depression. Yesterday I was having a hard time sitting up, little things felt like a lot of work. I know I need to stop using food as a tool to deal with anxiety because it may be contributing to my depression, making it harder to accomplish things. And I know from experience, it feels really good to be beautiful. It's a sad statement but when you are beautiful people are really nice to you. If you think this sounds superficial watch how friendly you are to the 300 pound checkout girl with the rash on her arm, beautiful people are treated differently becuase they are easy to look at. Yes, I deserve to be treated with kindness as I am, but if losing weight helps me recieve more kindness, I still deserve it, even if it's unfair that I wasn't getting it before.

And damn it, I want to fall in love and get married someday! I don't wan't to "find a match" I want full-on infatuation love. Yes, we all get fat and wrinkled in the end, but in the beginning we are supposed to be hypnotized and giddy. I have had that effect on people before and I want to have it again with a man who has that effect on me and I think losing weight will increase my options.

And the more good news is I am seeing the big-big picture here. Looks arent what really matter, personality and lifestyle are. Its not just how hot I look it's how healthy I am all around. I am learning how far along I am, and what I still need to work on. So I think this website, rejection and all, are good for me :)

mood: I dunno. fine. not dying to go back to the couch, not rearing to go.

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