Friday, October 28, 2005

I have failed, and it hurts

I am unable to go to my Mother-figure aunt's 50th birthday surprise party. It's because I work, and if I had known about it sooner I could have bid for it off, but if I am imperfect, I certainly can't expect others to be. I was at least going to go visit today (I thought the party was today) but I didn't get done in time to catch the bus and I think it's too late to catch a cab (if it was guarunteed that I could get on the plane I would have.) I have failed, and it's the person who has been there for me more than anyone in the world.

She was the one who came to the hospital to be with me when I was suicidal. My dad didn't even know. She has been a mom to me. She is my mom basically. I am crying like a baby right now.

The worst of this is my work schedule. Our mother company declared bankruptsy and right now everything is up in the air. Usually I get my first choice, and so, this month only, because I was in a rush, I only bid ------------Oh my god I am so upset I need comforting so much------------and the only person who could do it is a mommy type- my aunt!

I feel like such a failure and a bad friend. I can't go to the groom's dinner (rehersal) I havent done my last two tours. I havent been able to help my friend who is in fort lauderdale, with no electricity, as much as I wanted to. I have also let down my old and new roommates, by not having the house extra clean. I feel like no one can comfort me right now because I have let everyone down.

Now I have to put my therapy to work, or else I have been wasting my money. It feels very selfish to even imagine a bright side right now. I guess I have to be proud of what I have juggled. And I have to be sure I don't escalate things to be even bigger than they already are. I am going to stop writing for a few minutes and see if getting a few more things done makes me feel any better.


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