Saturday, October 15, 2005

Not a linear post

Last night MacDuff and I had sex and today we broke up.

I know I should focus on my part of things, because it is more productive, but I place the blame on him pushing things too fast. Wait! I don't have to apologize for saying this- he said last night that he loved me! He was moving emotionally too fast and I kept trying to slow things down and he (I see in hindsight) was not agreeing with this.

He really was (is) very sweet. Quite the romantic. But he needed it all too soon. He was WILLING to wait for sex, but he made it clear that he wanted it, and I didn't want to disappoint him. Yesterday at my house I physically wanted to have sex but we had no condoms and we were going to his place to spend the night. I wasn't ready to spend the night so quickly- but I liked him and I am such a sexual person, so, after some hemming and hawing inside my own head, I decided to just let it be.

I wasn't ready, but I wanted to make this sweet man be happy- to reward him for making me feel like such a princess. In the car ride I felt more and more uncomfortable, but I knew how excited he was, and since I was turned on at my house I thought I could give that to him.

It got REALLY bad the minute I entered his bedroom. He smoked SOOOOO much, and his bedroom smelled and looked like my dad's house. The bathroom sink was DISGUSTING How can you get turned on in a situation like that?

I acted as if I was enthusiastic, so I wouldn't hurt his feelings, but I didn't want to do it. It might have gone better (depending on what "better" means) if he could come on cue like most men "okay- go ahead" but he couldn't. I see it as better this way really, because I had to deal with it, I could still be with him if he could finish.

I am so emotionally quiet right now. I am not "feeling" much. I want to hold on to the feeling that I can be treated like he treated me (thursday night was SO great!) but I know I am going to have to feel and understand what I am feeling or I will be destined to repeat them. I can choose to let this situation make me into a harder person, or into a stronger person, my choice, depending on how I deal with them. I will try, but I will be patient with myself- babysteps.

mood: like getting this cigarette funk out of my hair and skin- DISGUSTING!


That Girl said...

ah man that sucks...dude needs to clean up. If you do not mind my saying, it sounds like you may be doing what most of ou females do...we allow men to determine the speed in which our relationships order to be happy, you have to control how and when you want a relationship to progress. A guy should never have the power to do that...take it slow (I know easier to say than do)...I am sure you will meet Prince Charming...afterall, you seem pretty great.

Anonymous said...

DIANA. "but he made it clear that he wanted it, and I didn't want to disappoint him." Whatever you do, please don't do it like this ever again. YOU set the pace, not the guy. That Girl is right, absolutely. YOU have to control it. Enjoy being treated like a princess because you should be, but you still retain the right to set the pace. ((hug))

Anonymous said...

When I'm gettin to know someone new, my friends are spending way too much of their time telling me, "Don't sleep with him!". They keep telling me I need to find someone who wants to spoil me without wanting to get into my pants. Ummm, OK, does that man exist?? I have yet to meet him, so I keep doing what you did. Takes too much will power on my part to say no to it because honestly, it's extremely flattering to have someone want me that much. I think I need to find a way to 'flatter' myself more so I won't have to depend on someone I'm not all that interested in, doin it for me.

Wow, you hit on a nerve for me. But besides feeling 'disgusted' by the whole thing, you now know he's not the one for you. You can mark him off your list and move on. Hugs.