Last night MacDuff and I had sex and today we broke up.
I know I should focus on my part of things, because it is more productive, but I place the blame on him pushing things too fast. Wait! I don't have to apologize for saying this- he said last night that he loved me! He was moving emotionally too fast and I kept trying to slow things down and he (I see in hindsight) was not agreeing with this.
He really was (is) very sweet. Quite the romantic. But he needed it all too soon. He was WILLING to wait for sex, but he made it clear that he wanted it, and I didn't want to disappoint him. Yesterday at my house I physically wanted to have sex but we had no condoms and we were going to his place to spend the night. I wasn't ready to spend the night so quickly- but I liked him and I am such a sexual person, so, after some hemming and hawing inside my own head, I decided to just let it be.
I wasn't ready, but I wanted to make this sweet man be happy- to reward him for making me feel like such a princess. In the car ride I felt more and more uncomfortable, but I knew how excited he was, and since I was turned on at my house I thought I could give that to him.
It got REALLY bad the minute I entered his bedroom. He smoked SOOOOO much, and his bedroom smelled and looked like my dad's house. The bathroom sink was DISGUSTING How can you get turned on in a situation like that?
I acted as if I was enthusiastic, so I wouldn't hurt his feelings, but I didn't want to do it. It might have gone better (depending on what "better" means) if he could come on cue like most men "okay- go ahead" but he couldn't. I see it as better this way really, because I had to deal with it, I could still be with him if he could finish.
I am so emotionally quiet right now. I am not "feeling" much. I want to hold on to the feeling that I can be treated like he treated me (thursday night was SO great!) but I know I am going to have to feel and understand what I am feeling or I will be destined to repeat them. I can choose to let this situation make me into a harder person, or into a stronger person, my choice, depending on how I deal with them. I will try, but I will be patient with myself- babysteps.
mood: like getting this cigarette funk out of my hair and skin- DISGUSTING!