As I was writing the "patterns" post last night I felt regretful for pushing him away before he had the chance to reject me, but later last night I felt peace with it. He chose, in his profile, that he wanted someone slimmer than me, it wasn't me that assumed this, he selected it. All I had done was respond. And it's true how I feel, I don't want someone to like me "anyway" My body isn't great but it isn't bad either, I think it's possible to find a smart ethical lefty in my city who agrees with me.
The thing that got my attention this morning is what a good thing this 4 day experience is pointing out. I am develpong the bravery to go out into the real world! I mean, I have a "life" but I am honest with myself in knowing that most of my life is my inner life. This blog is a tiny step into "the world" and I credit it for a big part of my recent successes, but having the courage to contact a man who could be a GOOD match, and to give it a real try (for 3 days at least LOL) is a big step in the right direction! Lets say that my "looks like our preferences arent compatible" e-mail was indeed a pre-emptive strike and I had made a huge mistake. I still should focus on how far along I was able to go and be proud. Maybe next time I can e-mail for 5 days before pushing him away LMAO!
And another good outcome from this experience- I disagree with his decision to exclude "ample" from his profile! I can say, honestly, that I think I am attractive! I really want to lose weight, alot, but I don't feel that the weight loss is a necessity before I become a good catch. I think, for a select few, I am a very good catch. I am very smart, kind, supportive and interesting (to a select few ;) ) and even though I am still not living my life the way I want, I am well on my way.
mood: "Ample" with confidence