Monday, October 17, 2005

The luxury of closure and communication :)

MacDuff wrote:

> Hey, sorry if this is too soon.
> I'm in a weird place.
> Yesterday and today I've been really focussing on
> music and writing as therapy. But I'm wanting to
> share what I'm getting done, particularly the music.
> At the same time, I don't want to bug you, you know
> give you space.
> So I am really torn, but wanted to know if you
> wanted me to send you e-mailed songs or maybe a link
> to them somewhere on the web.
> Or if you just wanted me to leave you the hell
> alone.
> Let me know.
> Hope your spa-thing was fun yesterday.

I wrote:


Thanks for wanting to share and for the understanding tone of your e-mail :)

I feel like we should wait to communicate again until the bad feelings and needy/clingy feelings have faded and that we are both at the point of constructively growing from the experience, because we have so much learning material from it. I think if we communicate it doesn't create a noticable endpoint, which can interfere with the growth (becuase time is wasted on the what ifs and maybes)

This experience has illuminated a pattern for me, this experience of a whirlwind relationship that happens overnight, the "we WILL have a future together" (instead of the healthier "we could possibly") and the feeling that I have his ego in my hands, and so I don't want to hurt him by maintaining healthy boundaries has happened 4 times now (that I can remember.) since you are in a codependancy/alanon group I think that might be what is wrong, I think I must have co-dependant behaviors.

And yes, it is unpleasant to have to face things about myself that I have to change. I find lack of confidence unattractive in others, and finding someone else with the same problem is running away from it, I need to face and fix it instead.

This is painful for both of us, but we both dodged a BIG bullet! This had the makings of a HUGELY unhealthy CODEPENDANT relationship, I think the fact that it ended so quickly was a HEALTHY sign that we could recognize the bad behaviors, so we are both on the right path to healthiness.

And I think it is regrettable that we had the unpleasant sexual experience, but maybe that is a blessing too. Maybe we can remember how we felt that night and use that as a motivator to stay on the difficult path to health.

If you can learn the "glass half full" type of thinking that I have learned (my therapist calls it "cognitive behavioral therapy") then you will be able to recognize that you have the intelligence and WISDOM to successfully unlearn those unhealthy relationship patterns, and that if you stay on that path you will one day have a healthy and fulfilling relationship. It's okay that it hasn't happened overnight, it hasn't for me either, it matters that we recognized it. Hopefully next time the patterns come up in our dating lives (as they inevitably will) we will recognize them even sooner.

I am happy to hear you are using the healthy coping mechanism of creativity. I am trying to test my Buddhist "embrace your suffering" methods and blogging as much as I can emotionally handle. I refuse to move backwards from this. I insist that I will grow and learn from it, even though that means thinking about it and feeling the disappointment and facing that I will have to be without a partner unless it is under healthy circumstances.

Keep up the good work. I would at some point love to hear what you have created, just not for awhile :)


He responded:

Thanks for taking the time to share your thoughts. I really do
I respect the desire for distance and think it healthy as well.
When and if you wish to check back in with me in the future please do.
As stated Sat., I really value an ability to communicate openly.
It's what's made this actually a learning experience instead of just a
tragedy (that sounds overly dramatic, but you know what I mean).
So thanks again.
Wish you the best.

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