Today I signed into "iShape" an online diet and exercise site by shape magazine. The site came up with workouts for me and I went to the gym and did it, it was printed out for me, very easily with pictures, the workout was easier than it would have been if I had designed it for myself (I have the tendancy to try to workout at in-shape levels) and I feel worked out rigth now but not exausted.
It felt nice to get back in the gym. Gyms always felt like an escape to me, a place where I can go and feel happy. I looked like a novice there, my chubby self carrying my bag around instead of putting it in the locker room, but I can deal with that. Maybe next time I will try to fit in a bit more :)
Lately my dreams nearly every night remind me of how it felt to be hot (not just pretty, hot) it felt good, and I know now that I can handle it (or at least I can handle being conventionally beautiful again). I can handle the attention, I can handle the increased sexual opportunities, and I can handle the men who tell them selves and me that they love me, when all they love is a fantasy image.
If I want to get control of my depression I will have to learn how to cope with uncomfortable feelings instead of eating, and I will be able to manage my life better if I don't have the extra weight sapping my energy.
Wish me luck.
mood: pretty good