Sunday, September 04, 2005

A toughie

It took me about fifteen minutes from the time I titled this post to the time I started writing. I prepared some cappucino and throw jambalya mix in my new $4 thrift store rice cooker that says "Osaka Gakuin University" on the top, as well as some Japanese (I presume) writing in permanent marker on the top and the sides :)

During this 15 minutes I answered my own do I write a post about my mood of slight discomfort when there are still people suffering in New Orleans, not to mention all over the world. The answer I came up with is contradictory, but correct...I have the right to analyze my uncomfortable mood but not to take my uncomfortable mood too seriously.

I will start with the second part, the "common sense" part...I should not take this mood too seriously. I have a disease where my brain tells me I am in crisis, sometimes I am, and sometimes I am not. Interestingly, when I am in crisis usually my brain is clear, and I face the crisis head on, this is why I feel that I, a woman with anxiety disorder, am a good candidate as a flight attendant, I can confidently say that I could evacuate a burning plane without panicing, after everyone was safe and the authorities arrived I would fall to pieces, there is no doubt about that, but in an actual crisis I am good.

But at times like this: I have enough money in my bank account, I have a furnished, safe home, I have a roommate, I have a job, I have health care, I have family and friends who love me, I feel worn out. The dishes need to be done and the house needs to be picked up. Its all very basic, but I feel like it is so big. It is a normal human behavior to attach an unpleasant mood to an outside thing, my favorite being the struggle of money. But I am doing very well with what I have. I use public transportation and my bicycle instead of a car, and I do most of my shopping at thrift stores, unless I want something not available at one. So my mood is not a reaction to something real, and if it is, it is not as big as my mind has made it.

(post never competed)

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