Friday, September 30, 2005

Crushy Crushy Crushy

Can I tell you about my huge crush. My huge crush on a small pilot. His name is Cory and he is SO DREAMY! He is probably 5'5", slim, and has the most lovely delicate face and voice. I can hear is voice in my head it's so lovely.

He is quite the tough guy, but he isn't tough in the violent type of way, he is tough in the intellectual type of way. He is a union rep and is SO concerned about the passengers and employees. This man is regularly standing up to the company, I am sure he enjoys it (and he has a rich wife, so he has less to lose if he loses his job) but he seems to do it becuase it's the right thing to do, not for his ego.

I can't say that my attraction is centered in the physical, (even though when the alarm went off I was in the middle of a sexual scenerio with him) it's more adoration/admiration. I just want to look at him, fawn over him, linger over every work he speaks in his soft, gentle voice, stroke his arm. Thats what it is I think, it is his gentle power. He is tough, but he does it with a gentle voice.

And speaking of, yesterday I had dairy queen with a gentle giant. His name is Andy and is so sweet. When he started at the airline we had discussed being roommates, I was having second thoughts about it becuase I was pretty sure I would want to kiss him, not a good thing to do to your roommate. (I know from experience ;) ) The roommate thing didn't work out, fortunately, but he promised to buy me breakfast (not in a sicko way) as an apology.

One day I flew with him, and Ole, the hottest German you could ever imagine. I had never met Ole before, so I assumed he was an ass, as most blazing hot men are, so when I came in to the flight deck I mostly talked to Andy. Turns out Ole is as beautiful on the inside as the outside, in a very 4th grade way he tried to set Andy and me up. In the end things never panned out, but becuase he is so nervous around me I thought he was interested.

In the end now he is in a relationship, arent they all?, of course they are, if they were available I would reject them! I have got to change something in my haed that when a good man is in front of me, I don't freak out and reject him so I don't get rejected first or get disappointed when I find some fatal flaw. It would be easier if I knew who would be good for me beforehand, If someone had the word "match" glowing on his forehead I would know to say "He calls too much but put up with it, in the long run it is worth it." It's harder to do when you are sure it will all fall apart, so why exert any effort?

When I think about men is when the fact that I have problems becomes really clear. In the rest of my life I am getting by, but that is the one place that I have no clue what I am doing, and have no clue how to do right. I think that the answer is to keep doing what I am doing (therapy, medication) and to start saying yes to nice boys.

mood: tired, woman-y (I want a sweetheart for myself. I want to have butterflies for someone and for them to have them back. And I want to discover that we have mutual butterflies before he moves on and gets engaged to another woman!)

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