Tuesday, September 20, 2005


I am starting to think the reason I want a partner right now is social pressure. Carrie has a wedding in November, Jane just had a baby, Linda and her boyfriend just bought a house, Sweet-stay-at-home-mommy and her husband just built a house! I even met my neighbor friend while knocking on the door to flirt with her boyfriend! Really, the only unattached people I know are my 23 year old roommate, and Carter, the “beautiful blonde” I complalned of earlier. Both are drop-dead-beautiful, and lets be honest, beautiful women have more choices available to them than-whats the right thing to call myself?-the aestheticly indifferent

I think my aesthetic indifference is proof that it’s not genuine desire for a partner thats driving me. Think of it, when you meet someone you can’t stop thinking of ways to be more beautiful. You shave and moisturize your legs, you wear new, often uncomfortable clothes (heels for example) you primp regularly to make sure nothing is out of place. My sexiness factor right now is down there with a man’s (oops! there goes my sexism again) Sure I do the basics, shower, teeth, trimmed nails, but the extras? hardly. I have shaved and worn makeup a few times, but I am hardly in “allure” mode.

If I don’t feel like being glam-o-rama thats okay! You don’t have to be on the prowl 100% of the time. I guess I just need to accept that thats where I am at, and not let my ego be hurt by the fact that my phone isn’t ringing off the hook (in fact it feels like it is, it’s just none of the callers are offering sex or undying devotion)

So Why now? Why is this theme re-popping in my head? Once again, the absence of my favorite distraction. It’s so much easier to be patient when I can say “I want one like that- so I will hold out” than when there is no sight of anyone worthy around, then I’m like “Oh shit, they all have one and I don’t, find one quick!” which is the attitude that leads me to settle, settle, settle. It’s fair to say that I have slipped back into the “oh shit” mode, but now as I realize the fact, I am pushing myself back to patience and reality (hard to do when the whole world is “in love”)

mood: suddenly re-empowered

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