I have decided, since I am in this empowered “I don’t want no-one” mood, I am in a good place to think of what it is that I do want. When I meet someone I am attracted to, or who has a quality I admire, I am often willing to commit to them even if they are not right for me, because I want them and that quality near me. If I “look deeply” into what it is that will fit me, especially in the long term, I can enjoy the company of those that are not a long term match, without fooling myself into thinking they are.
The most important trait I require has been on my mind since I have begun studying Buddhist philosophy. My number one necessity is someone not only smart, but wise. This demand narrows my choices WAY down. Smart people are out there, I could always find the nearest “MENSA” meeting, but there are as many (or more) smart fools than there are dumb ones.
I am sure you have met the smart guy or girl with the big ego, with a smug tone they interrupt you and point out that you used a word wrong(in front of EVERYONE, they talk to you like you are 5 years old, explaining thier opinions as if they were fact, and that you have none of your own. There is many a smart person who over-values money, who knowingly uses their intelligence to create destruction, and uses their intelligence to rationalize it . And of course there is the smart person who uses their intelligene to manipulate people. These people are smart, but I don’t want them, because they behave foolishly. I don’t care how much money a person has or makes, but someone who is smart and wise is going to be responsible with money (as well as other things in life.)
On the topic of being wise, the person I will choose must be moral. Being religious can often help a person be moral, but it can just as easily get in the way, as religious is sometimes mis-used as an ethical get-out-of-jail-free pass. I wont accept any racists, homophobes, elitists, selfish, dishonest, or mean people.
Something that I think is a must is the person I choose should be tactile. At the age of 12 I lived alone with my alcoholic dad, and I withdrew from being cuddly (hard to cuddle someone who is passed out drunk, they might fall off their chair, or mistake you for their childhood pet, they might pat you on the head and call you “buttons”) Without close family to hug and cuddle I have been, and continue to be, hungry for human touch. This could be a big reason why I became and remained so sexual, even if it was with the wrong people. When my partner reaches out to touch me without prompting it makes me unmeasurably happy, and when he doesn’t provide an adequate amount of sex it makes me unmeasurably pissed off. I think a “non-touchy-feely” person would not be a good match for me, because accurate or not, i would read it as indifference
Another “good-match” issue, the absence of which is not a flaw in one’s character, but necessary to fit me is confidence. I have been on my own for 16 years. I am alone more than I am in relationships and I am not comfortble with leaning on people, I struggle with it with my own friends and family nd I have known thrm for years. I have no patience for the men who need to make “me & me” a “we” which is a good thing, and any man with confdidence sees my strong need for self as a positive aspect of my personality, not a threat. I also, sadly, suffer from insecurity and nervousness. When I am with an insecure and nervous person these qualities come out, when I am with someone relaxed I feel less need to comfort and calm them so i cn instead comfort and calm myself. And cockyness is not the equivelent of confidence, it is another type of lack of confidence. It is overcompensation, and/or overemphasis on one positive quality (good looks, intelligence, prowess in sports) becuase the person does not feel an overall sense of confidence.
A last good match issue is (appropriate) humor. I am far too serious most of the time, so a person who can lighten me up a little is a good thing. But they have to know how to be serious. My ex hassem used to joke when I was discussing my feelings, perhaps it was his way of using something I liked about him to disarm me, whatever the reason it ended up hurting me. And who can forget Earl? No, he is not a person I have dated, nor would he be, because he is completely unable to have a real conversation. Talking to him is like, well torture really. He thinks everything in life is a set up for a punchline. Humor is important, but it must be appropriate.
Race is not important, but culture may be. I have dated many international men but wonder if dating between cultures might make things more complicated than they need to be. I think I used to seek out those complications intentionally. I have had had a difficult time finding men that stimulated me intellectually, so by finding someone from a different culture I would be stimulated by the different communication styles and interactions. I have found regularly though, that the difference in expectations (traditional vs modern mostly) can leave both parties dissatisfied, even if everything else is as it should be. Another reason I have found international men appealing is Americans of all economic backgrounds are afflicted with a bad case of entitlement. I find that is less common in men from outside the US, so I am able to find a much more “high quality”
In the US black-white relations are so strained, and the dynamics can be uncomfortable, the power dynamics are never just “I pick the resturaunt” i also feel for the Sisters, Living as an African American has a unique set of struggles, so while dating interculturally can lead to happiness, I can understand that desire to be with some one who understands without you having to explain. with poverty, mortality, and the justice system so disproportionaltley affecting the black community, it limits the choices black women have, so i can see where the hostility comes from when a white woman takes a jewel of a man who is black off the market, however, I don’t intent to limit myself intentionally just because of this. Even with the cultural difference, as much as we try to deny it, a human is a human is a human.
Now lets get to the superficial things. Appearance doesn’t matter but attraction does. Timothy Bearclaw is the one man who could ever melt me from a mile away, even after he gained a hundred pounds. I am open to fat, scrawny, acne, disability, facial disfigurement, if they are beautiful inside, but the chemistry has to be there. The problems that get in the way if say, someone has cystic acne, is they may be insecure. Being outcast and rejected alot can be hard on a person and can lead to them withdrawing. I think this was the biggest problem with New York Name Dropper Man. He kept up a big facade, and it ruined everything. I also have the problem with my own insecurity. When I am slim and can pick and choose, i am more confident about dating someone not conventionally georgeous. But when I am overweight I am embarrassed to say that I hate the idea that people would think “he’s all she can get/she’s all he can get” I much prefer the impression of “wow, he must be pretty marvelous if he can get that hot girl” and “He must treat her kindly, she is smart enough to know that is what really matters”
When it comes to appearance I am a bit picky in the other direction. Men are rarely as good at managing being attractive as women are. If a woman is attractive it is expected, if a man is attractive he is rewarded for it, and most of them develop big(ger) egos from it. I have met a model-georgeous man who was as beautiful on the inside as he is on the outside, so I would accept him, but for all of the rest of those model georgeous men who arent as perfectly built on the inside as they are on the outside, I am sorry to break your hearts, but please leave the line now.
I am not fond of mustaches, my dad had a mustache when I was a kid so when I see “moustache” I think “dad” and you don’t want someone thinking about thier dad when you are trying to woo them. I of course would be an idiot if I would reject someone just because they had a mustache, but I would absolutely reject someone just becuase they had a low ponytail. I am serious. I dont care how smart, confident, charitable, and georgeous he is. Jesus himself would be shown the door if he ever put those back-lit locks in a low hair tie. I just HATE low ponytails on men, eww. The one exception I will ever make is for Naveen Andrews, (my boyfriend.) He can wear a ponytail during yard work, while wearing a ribbed tank shirt, and sweating, while i watch, but it does have to be a mid-head ponytail.
Character traits necessary to earn my devotion
Smart & Wise (includes responsible)
Sense of Humor
Most importantly of all: No low-ponytail
I demand someone be all of these things, and if I expect this man to want me too, I ought to be WISE enough to put my energy into developing these things in myself, instead of wasting my energy on worrying and comparing myself to others.