The last four days I have been nuts. A lunatic. I have been out-of-my-mind Tom-Cruise-jumping-on-the-couch insane. You know how it feels to meet someone amazing, and all of the sudden every thing is beautiful? How you are able to see the kindness in the snarling woman? How watching ants can be an enjoyable and profound experience? Well I feel that way.
I know what your thinking "Yay! Diana finally got laid!" Well no, but I feel almost as peaceful as if I had, perhaps more, becuase the feeling comes from within myself instead of from someone else. OK, lets not fool ourselves, it's not more, but it's nice becuase it is missing the insecurity and fear of rejection, quite the opposite, I feel more centered and confident than I have in along time!
It started a month or so ago. A passenger returned to the airplane and said "I left a few journals on the plane" I thought he meant personal journals so I made a joking remark that I was planning to read them. He said "I'm done with these" and gave me two of them, one was called "Parabola" a multi-religion journal, and one was "tricycle" a Buddhist Journal.
I have known that I liked Buddhism for a long time. The only thing I ever heard that was "Buddhist" that I didn't like was in the film I heart Huckabees, but if I understand correctly the idea presented was based on a principle that is not a teaching of the buddah, but has been misinterpreted to be. Besides that, so far everything Buddhist I have seen or read has really made sense to me. My dad calls himself Buddhist too, so I imagine the worldview he raised me with helped me understand it.
Well when I started reading the articles in the journal, I don't know what to say, it was like "my language." What was the coolest thing was seeing things I already think with names attached to them. All this time I am thinking I am such a wierdo for the things I think about and suddenly I realize people have thought about these things for centuries.
The most intriguing thing for me is it helped me understand Jesus' teachings! I am serious, this is the SAME shit, problem is, the way Christianity is practiced today, most of them are missing the point (not you OG!)
I feel in love because all of a sudden I have 2 new men in my life, one I used to know, but I heard he was saying some things I really disagreed with, so I distanced myself - turns out it was a misunderstanding from an elaborate game of telephone. Another I just met, but I feel like I have known him my whole life.
So with this new sense of freedom I have felt so strong, so confident, so free, and not in an arrogant way- I feel SO POWERFUL but not becuase I am special, but becuase I have tapped in to something special, the Universe, and I suddenly can see things I didn't know were there (like wisdom- not because I am special, we all have it, I am just becoming open to it) but I wasn't watching where I was going. I kept getting rewarded for my mindset, people were drawn to me like magnets, and I was drawn to certain people too, you wouldn't believe me if I told you the cool people I met in the last 2 days!
With this enthusiasm momentum I went to the "Tibet Store" I had never been to. I wanted to get a little Tara Buddah (the female incarnation of the Buddah) to inspire me. The lady at the store showed me where it was, and then she started showing me Hindu statues too! Suddenly I felt like Eve in the garden of eden, I realized I was naked! She saw me as a new- agey- give- me- anything- pretty- and- eastern- so- I- can- decorate- myself- and- declare- myself- "enlightened"- asshole. I was hurt by her impression of me, but I had no way to defend myself. I had read the first 3 chapters of a book and some articles in a magazine and my heart was already devoted. I felt very emabarrassed and left.
I have made the decision to keep this semi-private until I have some knowlegable legs to stand on. The way I sound to myself is "There are these four noble truths man! and they are so, like amazing! And they totally are the same as Christ's word its like WOAH!" And that is not the way to be taken seriously. I have to calm myself down to the tone of a scholar, not a fanatic (you know- be like a Buddah) and then I can tell people, (but only if asked!)
Now as I write this I am getting really revved up again. I really don't think this is a phase, I think this is the real-deal with me. I don't plan to remain this insane, but I am hoping to study and use the tools I am learning to grow at an accelerated rate. But only time will tell. If this is just a passing-fancy, then I have some serious self-evaluation to do. I don't want to be a person who jumps into something head first without looking where they are going. Only time will tell.
mood: still crazy (a BIG part of the crazyness is the fact that my overnights are VERY short, so I am operating on reduced, and inconsistant sleep)