Monday, September 12, 2005

I met her- I met Daisy

I got to meet her today, Jane's new daughter Daisy. It is a beautiful thing to know a baby is being born into a family with parents who love and communicate with each other, the kind you sense, in your gut, that they will have a happy marriage. And speaking of marriage, I feel that way about Carrie and her fiance. They really look after and support each-other, and I am really happy for them being together.

I guess today was a pretty good day. I witnessed my good friends' bliss and felt the way I should feel- happy for them. When I saw Jane's house for the first time I melted down. When I first went shopping for wedding dresses for Carrie I melted down. With my new medication I am able to see these moments for what they are, happy events in people's lives, not happy events for other people's lives...everyone but me.

I don't know if I will ever give birth to a child. Like Bjork's character in Dancer in the Dark, for me to have a child might be selfish, I am giving birth to him knowing he will have this dibilitating disease. Besides, I don't expect I will be married anytime soon, I have only had 2 long term relationships (3 if you include a long-term unrequited relationship) none of the 3 had been healthy. If I plan to have children, I put time constraints on falling in love, something that is not guarunteed and cannot be forced. If giving birth to a child is a goal for me I am sure I will marry the wrong man, deluding myself in exchange for a name on a morgage and sperm.

I think I am doing pretty well in that department in fact. I met a nice, good looking man at the party last night, but there was nothing there. I don't know if he wasn't attracted to me, or if I wasn't attracted to him or both, but I didn't feel an intense need to force it.

Forcing it has been my pattern, if I run across someone dateable, I force myself into thinking I should date him. If I'm not attracted to him I assume it's because I'm being too picky. If he's not attracted to me I assume I need to change somehow so he will be. How does it end up? Maybe we date, but without the "spark" it feels like torture to spend time together. When it ends I feel like a man-eater or a loser, neither way feels good, when all along we shouldn't have dated in the first place.

Looking at big moments in the cycle of life you naturally look back. I hate looking back at myself, it's rarely flattering, but at the same time it helps me see that even though I am not exactly what I want to be today, I have made quite a bit of progress.

I can't say I feel 100% positive about my day. I am seeing that there is a lot about Carrie I am not aware of. Her and Jane have always been my caretakers, I really don't know what I have done for them. I have never meant to, but I looked at them as perfect, so I really took from them and didn't return. I try to return with gifts & other things but I always feel I fall short.

I don't want to write more, I really dont. It's too painful to even look at. Carrie and my conversations are regularly forced and polite. She told me something today that she didnt then, that "when you worked at the Steakhouse/Perkins you just seemed different, not being yourself." Well yeah, I was suicidal at the time. But I hid it from them (or tried to) I honestly don't know what I am feeling right now, fear is a big part of it.

I think I should go to bed, not think about this until I have rested. I can see myself going into a downward spiral, where I slowly convince myself that none of my friends even know me and ten years from now it will all fall apart. It is fair to say that Carrie, Jane and Sweet-stay-at-home mommy dont understand me really well, and that is reason to examine our dynamics, but the dramatic idea that I am alone and unloved in this universe is just hooey- and I am sick of falling in that stupid mental trap. They have been there for me for 10 unstable years, to imagine they will leave me now is disrespectful to their loyalty and love.

Let today be the day I stop letting my emotions and thinking mutate into the familiar gloomy abyss. If I have made a mistake I can look at it and work to remedy it, but this stupid loop in my head about how I should have stayed in better touch with them doesn't help me BE in better touch. The self-flaggelation method hasn't helped in the last 10 years, so it wont work for the next. Maybe its time to try something else.

mood: on the border of depressed, but trying to stop the free-fall


That Girl said...

You have so many things to be proud of. Be proud of the things you do have like a good career, apparently two good friends. If they have been around for as long as you say, they must know and love you. Hang in there.

Diana Crabtree said...

You are so sweet Sparkle!!!!

Thanks so much.


OG said...

"Let today be the day I stop letting my emotions and thinking mutate into the familiar gloomy abyss"
i love u girl. stay strong.

Idony said...

It eerie how much of myself I see in your posts.

I just don't generally like to put such things into words. Personal things, like feelings, self-examination etc.

I wish I could though..