Yesterday I took the painful step of seeing the reality of what two people I have interest in probably feel about me.
Women are famous for ignoring such things, we make excuses for why a person is not behaving as if they are interested. They are shy. They are stressed out. They are afraid of getting hurt. But ladies, I know from experience, and from the Horse's mouth...they may be all three of these things, but if they like you...you'll find out.
Why do we do this? To protect our equally-fragile ego. We like to think we are such a progressive country when it comes to women's rights, yet so many women spend their money on clothes and beauty, instead of investing their money for their future. We have our own jobs, but still so many women define themselves by the men they date and marry. So we will deny someone's lack of interest, so we can feel appealing, because if you are a woman and you are unappealing, what are you?
I really enjoyed the book "He's just not that into you." (I will add a link later)It told me something I already knew, if a man shows only mild interest, than he is only mildly interested. How simple. The concept in that cute pink little book, advertised in Cosmo and Glamour, has helped me alot this past year. And it helped me last night.
I released the energy I had invested in my interest in Kareem and Derek. In the case of Kareem I decided its better being alone, with no potential realationships on the horizon, than to feel as if someone was settling for me. It really hurt, but I did it. In the case of Derek, I think I am just not his type.
Yesterday evening, on my flight, I met a lovely scruffy man in frumpy skater clothes, who fed my spirit. We discussed politics, religion, & sex, all of the best topics to discuss with someone you just met, and had a wonderful time.
He lives in Germany, and may move to Israel/Palestine in the next year so I am aware that a future may be far fetched. But the universe told me that meeting him has something to teach me. I cannot settle. I cannot conform. Settling and conforming are what are CAUSING my depression. I must be me, fierce and alone, and then, if it is meant to be, I will find someone compatible with that fierce independant self. If I do not meet someone, and I spend my life without a life partner, at least I will spend my life as Diana, not as someone artificial.
Thank you Universe! I am listening!