Tuesday, April 05, 2005

Thank you Universe, for giving me tears

I just watched The Terminal, which was just what the doctor ordered.

There is a scene where all of the friends and aquaintences Viktor has made all do a little bit to help. One hands him slippers, another gives him a "good luck" stress squeezy ball, they all cheer for him.

This set me off (thank God!) The tears came pouring out and crying is one of the blessings that I have begun to earn back on my path to health. For years I haven't been able to cry, and in the past year I have gotten better at it, but today was a waterfall.

I meet so many amazing people in my life. Kathleen, the cheerful TSA woman with a thousand hairstyles, doesn't know how many days she has changed a bad morning to good, just by saying hi cheerfully. And Getahun, at the mexican resturaunt, he remembers my face and greets me like a friend. People are angels, and this applies no matter what religion you are. If you believe in a supreme diety, we are the ones who do much of that diety's work, by following the diety's instructions (you know that voice that tells you your friend needs you to stay 10 more minutes-thats the diety talking.) If you worship in the forces of nature, we are vessels to send positive energy forward, we can change a persons bio-chemistry just by smiling at them when they buy mexican food from us. Regardless of the explination you choose to describe the universe, we have power to affect the world, and by tiny acts.

Only a month ago I started on here. I was so afraid to put my feelings out there, they are so unflattering, even though I am anonymous. I may sound strong right now but that is because of the encouragement I recieved to be brave enough to tell the truth. I posted about how messy I am, and Spider wrote "LOL" I didn't feel judged. I posted about a humiliating experience with a man, including sexual behavior I am devestated about. And she told me I deserved better, and not to feel stupid. She is one of those angels. She has given me a pat on the back when I needed it. Yesterday I kept checking my blog, I needed her input on how to cope with what happened yesterday!

I can understand her stress. It is easier to believe you are useless than accept that you are special. If anyone reads her blog, you can see problems (she very bravely shares them, and she has been judged in the comments she has recieved- but she stays brave) But can you believe that she is 21? With kids? In school? Building a life for herself and her family? And if you knew some of the awful things she has seen and been taught, you have to wonder how she can still be the person she is?

She is in the DEPTHS of depression and anxiety, but these serious diseases are not enough to shade this bright light she has her heart. There is something special about her and maybe that is what has gone wrong. She has made some bad choices because she didn't think she was worth better. I think that the truth can be overwhelming. To believe that you are worthless is scary. To realize that you have something very special about you is terrifying.

When I was depressed I hated people's positive attention. When they would say "why are you with him, you could get a guy who makes you happy" I hated them because I knew they were right, but I was too afraid to be alone, so I wouldn't dump him. When people would say I could be whatever I wanted, I knew they were right, but I was scared of embarrassing myself in the business world, so I stayed a waitress. My problem was and is, looking at too much all at once. An MD is earned one paper at a time, one lecture at a time, one paragraph of text at a time. My mistake was looking at my life as if I had to do it all at once.

I think thats what happened yesterday with Spider. She saw that the security blanket she was holding on to (affair) was toxic to her well being. She was being verbally pummeled (the cop told me that the verbal tounge lashing she was getting from her husband was more than any normal person could take- and this was how he was IN FRONT of a cop!) Not to mention the guilt she had of holding on to these lies all of this time. She was floating and thought there was no way out. I have been there. I remember now. God I am sorry I wasn't better at helping yesterday.

The Terminal has taught me something else. Hoffman, Warhol, & Shiraga are my stress relievers, not the source. This paper I have to write is a blessing and not to be feared. If I do a bad paper and look silly in front of the class, thats okay. But its not okay for me to run away. I fell down yesterday by skipping the second half of class. Now I must pick myself back up, and go to the library to research my paper.

Please continue to pray for Spider pray that she sees reality- that she is wonderful and pray that she is brave enough to believe the truth, even though it is scarier than the lies her illness and husband told her yesterday.

Please pray for OGtoo. She is under a lot of pressure, and needs uplifiting, She may seem perfect to all of us, but she is human too, and gets worn out. Pray that she takes good care of herself and does her best.

mood: hopeful

1 comment:

OG said...

I LOVE U SO MUCH RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!!