Saturday, April 02, 2005

I want to violate like a parking meter (and I mean that in a good way)

Thursday night I was a little bummed out hanging out with this sweet dork (Cory). An unethical person like Lorraine had him for such a long time, and I am imperfect certianly, but I care about what is right and wrong, and I don't do so well with relationships (my own damn fault- whole 'nother topic.) This feeling was compounded because I had exposed my soul to Kareem in an e-mail and I had not yet recieved a response. Well I finally got one last night! And a good one.

I had decided I had nothing to lose, he lives in Boston, so if he rejects me all I am losing is more long-distance frustration. I decided to send him a copy of my "muse" post. He is the inspiration for the muse analogy. I decided this was a good idea for three reasons.

The first reason I chose to send the post is because he is an artist. My writing is how I am dealing with and explaining the world. He seemed to think my fear of relationships is actually dis-interest in him, which is far from the truth. Sending him the post was a creativity-oriented way to express my feelings about him.

The post was an opportunity for me to drop that I have psycological challenges, so I don't have to carry around a secret. I just casually, with self respect, wrote something like "Like you, I have taken care of myself since I was young, I use writing to help me deal with the depression that comes with all of that" this way I have no shame, it is a part of who I am, it adds to my character, it is not a flaw.

The most important reason I sent this is I made myself vulnerable, I expressed my true self and my honest feelings (very hard for me) If he rejects me, it is ME he is rejecting. Having that written about you would either make you really like someone or really dislike them. If he likes me I can be confident that he knows the best part of me, my brain. If he dislikes me I can be glad to be over with it with the least amount of hurt, because I would know that once he knew me he would decide I wasn't for him.

I wouldn't have sent that post if he was not an artist. I don't think an investment banker would appreciate my metaphor-brain in the same way. I did make one mistake. I copied the WHOLE post! I included the 3-way marriage and horniness part! When I realized what I did I edited out those parts and only included the information that pertained to him (well the horniness pertains to him but that doesn't mean he gets to know that) I titled the new one "please delete the other one and read this instead" I hope he did. I don't know.

He expressed real interest. He said all sorts of flowry stuff about stuff like leaving fingerprints on the world, really awesome. I am excited I guess. He is really interesting and I love the idea of spending time with someone who will value my new blossoming creativity, not see me as too analytical. Oh and I want to do him.

mood: calm


SpiderSolitaire said...

LOL, & I hope you get to do him...

OG said...

that was a pretty cool 'muse' post!id pay to be the muse that inspires such writing =)
im glad u had the courage to send it to him. and great way to get the real u out in the open. good for u babes!
i'll be crossing everything ive got the this one.

Diana Crabtree said...

Thanks Spider, you know I will tell you more details than you want LOL

OG- I hope you read about the "emulate" muses!

keep 'em crossed for me k? ;)