Monday, April 04, 2005

Spidey I miss you already!


I want nothing more right now than to stuff my face with food!!! But at the same time I am not doing it. The more I think about what happened tonight, the more I want to make healthy choices, who has supported me he most in this? Spider!

Right now I am so frustrated. I don't know what things I did right and what things I did wrong. I got upset. She quit taking her medication, (breaking a promise to me) and kept getting in contact with her ex-affair, a charmer who cheated on his wife 20+ times! I said to her this afternoon to cut it out. My timing was awful. I am notblaming myself for what happened today, I just forgot how sensitive a person is when they are that sick, had I remembered myself in those depths, I would have realized what she needs is calm, loving coaxing.

On the other hand, I can't be of any help to her if I am not taking care of myself. I can only be online a certain number of minutes a day or I will neglect other parts of my life. Her and I discussed this already, neither of us wanted the other to neglect themselves and be a martyr. Sure, she is sicker than I am, but only because I have 7 years more practice of making healthy choices. Besides, when I was 21 I didn't have the responsibilites of children escalating my anxiety.

I know she is going to survive this. I am just so glad she is in a safe place right now. I am still afraid she will "abandon" me like my father did (choosing sickness over health) I dont want to lose her like I lost him and Andi. I know that whatever choices she makes, I can't let them affect the choices I make... MARTYRDOM IS UNHEALTHY! It is still painful for me to see this, and it was really upsetting this week witnessing her obsessing herself into a hole about a man who seems rediculously selfish.

But again...I can't help her, only professionals and herself can help her. I can only say "good job" that is the limit to the power I have in this situation, and so I cannot beat myself up for it. Martyring myself, neglecting my own life worrying and trying to fix her life makes us both worse off. If I am sick she will no longer have a friend there for her who can cheer her on, because I will be just as sick.

Oh, and speaking of the word "friend..." I feel like online can not be a person's sole social outlet and still be healthy, it can only compliment a social life. The reason I say this is because I think there is something important about face to face interaction. But I realized tonight that this woman, even though I have never met her in person, (we haven't even spoken on the phone) is my friend.

1 comment:

OG said...

keep on listening to urself and ull be good =)
i admire ur strength and grace.
and thank u for being my source of comfort =)