Tuesday, April 26, 2005

I need "Sex" therapy

"Sex" (Sex In The City) therapy is very useful for dealing with man problems.

Here is the process: If you are down in the dumps becuase you just had a break up, are considering a break up, or are feeling unsure about a relationship, put on, in order, Sex and the City DVDs (Blockbuster stores have unlimited movies for like $15. And even better is Netflix online) Watching 4 drop dead georgeous characters, with beautiful outfits and apartments, dealing with the same issues you do, is wonderful. It is an opportunity to objectively watch relationship scenarios and figure out "what you would do." This worked marvelously, last November, to help me deal with New-York-Name-Dropper-Man. Of all of the men this past year who have affected me emotionally he has affected me the most.

I met him years ago. I was living with a man at the time. (Hassem- another person who has shaped me HUGELY) I was his (NYNDM's) and his associate's waitress at a steakhouse. He looked like a young Paul Wellstone. I didn't neccesarily consider him good-looking, but I found myself really drawn to him. The way he spoke was very authoritative, I found myself lingering around the table a bit. At the end of the meal he invited me to an event he was involved with (a cheezy with a capital "C" cheezy event) I took his card and said I might like that.

At the end of the night I was exausted. My social phobia would not allow me to go to something like that alone, even if I were dressed and groomed immaculately, and I wasn't able to find anyone to go with me at the last minute (funny, I didn't even ask my boyfriend, hmmm.) I called and left a message of thanks but I can't make it. I also vaguely remember having a sexual fantasy about this guy, something involving dominance I am sure.

The next day he called me! We talked on the phone for about an hour. His cheezy event job was his "fun" job, his real job was as a casting director at a pretty well-known firm. When I spoke to him I thought of him as a lost soul. He seemed like such a NYC stereotype, so fast moving, so "cool" instead of warm. He even dropped a few names (ugh!) He said something that felt great to me. He said I was a breath of fresh air. That meant so much to me, from anyone, but expecially someone who is a casting director in NY. I was so excited the next day saying to myself (half-jokingly) "I've been discovered!" Dispite my sexual fantasy I thought NOTHING about dating this guy. I was in my 20's and he had to be at least 40.

Fast forward to Sept 11. I went back to my old college in the north of my state, where we witnessed all of it on TV. I started getting depressed, I thought that Sept 11 might make our country more empathetic, more aware of how it feels to live in many countries in the world, but the opposite happened. It didn't help to be experiencing it amongst the sheltered rednecks that inhabited my small, religious school.

One day I was watching a TV program and some car dealership ad had an American flag on it. I was so pissed I turned off the TV. I was so sick of these reminders that so many of my fellow citzens would not become more educated about the world after an experience like this, but instead see it as a merchindising opportunity. Something struck me, I could just turn off the TV, but someone in NY didn't have that option, they had it right in front of them. I sent him a postcard saying this, and how sorry I was.

Months later, when I returned back to the "real world" (the city) I made the decision to move back where I would be more likely to recover and prevent another suicide attempt. I was at home on the computer, and out of boredom looked up my college e-mail account. He had called the school looking for me! I e-mailed him and he called me at least 6 times before he got a hold of me!

I was still on the brink of suicide. I was working as a pancake waitress, with no goals for my future but to not kill myself. I had two roommates, an ex-heroin addict who had become a born again bisexual "punk" Christian, and a 19 year old closeted flamer that wanted every minute of my time and attention. My life sucked. But NYNDM's voice, and his compliments of my CHARACTER, reminded me of the person I used to be, and gave me the will to live. I had never considered dating an older man, but he was so wonderful. He not only helped me see life was worth living, but he was the first person I felt willing to open my heart for, I saw myself in him. (Oh, and a straight man who likes musical theater is always a bonus!)

We talked for hours. While suffering through my NIGHTMARE training for the airline, he kept me sane. I really bonded with him, and I wanted to tell the world I had found someone. I cared so much about him, I wanted him to be my boyfriend. But I didn't feel comfortable saying I was "seeing" someone when I hadn't "seen" anything but pictures for 2 years. I really wanted to go to the next level. In spite of my fat-ass at the time I wanted to show him physically how I felt about him. And I wanted to see New York! Money was tight, I really couldn't afford the $25 it cost to fly their direct, and he was wary of driving all the way to white plains, where I could fly for free. At one point I decided, "fuck it" I would splurge on the $25 and come see him.

I tryed and tryed to schedule a visit with him. This was very difficult for me as it was, my body was adjusting to flying, and he seemed unable to find a time to see me either. I finally reached the boiling point, I broke up with him. If I couldn't see him, and even more importantly couldn't have sex with him, then we didn't have a relationship.

I dated a few more people, but kept thinking of him. A year later, while doing well in the man department, I wrote him an IM, not with romantic intentions, just to be in touch. He helped me so much during my depressed time, I just wanted him to know that. He called me and it was like a waterfall, we were swept back together before I even realized it. I knew this time it would work, I wasn't as depressed, I was slimmer and more confident, and I had the money and time to come see him. I was going to do everything in my power to make it work, so if it didn't I could know there was no "what if" because I had done all I could.

I had one thing in my head though, he has to be real. No more phone-boyfriend. We had to spend time looking in each-other's eyes and go places together, or it wasn't real. I was patient, but made it clear how eager I was to see him. I was willing to re-arrange my schedule because I knew he was busy. I did this for maybe 2 months, and then I started to get pissed. I wrote him an angry e-mail. Fish or cut bait basically. And he stepped up to the plate! He called me every day (except weekends) and said he would take some time off work to see me.

So we had a plan. It would be a Monday and a Tuesday. The previous Thursday he said "this week might not work out" and I accepted that possibility because he was doing something for the Kerry campaign, I wouldn't argue with that! But he never called to give me a difinative "no," he just left me hanging. On Monday, when I was supposed to be on the plane to see him, he called to tell me about his weekend. No apologies, no explainations. The event wasn't even on the day I was supposed to come see him so there was no excuse. To add insult to injury he did an ultimate name drop. He told me a story of how he hung out with an actor I am fond of at a Red Sox/Yankees game, because they bonded as sox fans in NY. It was as if to say "I blew you off this weekend, but its okay, because I hung out with someone important, unlike you, who is completely disposable."

I broke up with him that day or the next. I was devastated and relieved at the same time. I was seeing a more down to earth man a little before him, and the juxtaposition really showed what a big phony NYNDM was. The funny thing is I think he liked me better when I was depressed! I think I was much more reverant to his "important" job (oh so important- casting underweight people in flashy, expensive ads to make Americans feel overweight and poor so they buy stuff to feel better about themselves.) I do think he had some great qualties in him, but he was much too caught up in this Manhattan image to see what a caricature he was.

Even though I knew I had made the right choice, it was hard to give up the idea of the man who was able to open my rock-hard heart. If he was worse than all the rest, how could I keep my heart from closing up again? This is where the "Sex" therapy came in. I went to the Blockbuster nearby, got the unlimited membership and started watching them from the beginning.

As I watched I analyzed, something weird was going on with him, what was it? I came up with 3 possibilities. The first, the most likely one: he was married. He never called on weekends or from home. Two: He was "slumming." There is a "Sex" episode where Carrie meets a friend who has a secret girlfriend who he likes but is embarrased by. NYNDM kept saying he wanted to go to Disneyworld or something, where he wouldn't be "bothered by the actor waiters" LOL, poor guy. Three: He was impotent. What kind of guy keeps a girlfriend around who isnt giving him any sex? What kind of guy keeps a girlfriend around who says "I want to come see you and fuck your brains out" and doesn't show up on her doorstep the next day? an impotent one, that's who! I brought up these possibilites to Linda and she had the best answer: "It's probably all three" LMAO!

Sex And The City offered me an escape from the pain in my life, while keeping my mind on resolving the problem. More importantly, it drew my attention to something more valuable than dating...girlfriends. The show is not about the sex, its about the friendships, and I missed mine. I realized from watching that I have been ignoring the people that really matter, and I have been a better friend ever since.

Now as I am feeling very lonely and very horny I think it is time for more "Sex" therapy. I used to be very open and sex-positive, but I kept developing feelings for unworthy people and realized that sex might be a little too powerful to mess with casually (besides- my oats have been sown...plenty.) So I am horny as hell but don't want to have sex with any more jerks.

And I know its going to be a long time. The Beautiful German has not written me since his nice e-mail, and it is approaching a month since our tryst. Kareem sent me a laughable e-mail saying he "still" has feelings for me TWO WEEKS after I wrote him saying "Don't do me any favors...you are wasting my time if you not interested" and my ex-friend was a reminder of how many men that I have slept with didn't care for me for anything but what I gave them.

It doesn't make it any easier to fly with two men for a week straight. The F/O last week was adorable, sweet and single. But he wasn't for me, and I don't want to "dip my pen in the company ink" like some people. Oh speaking of- she STILL kept calling me- so I wrote a direct but complety respectable note saying I don't want to be her friend because I was nice to her but she lied to and about me and to stop calling my house. I didn't even bring up the lesbionic stuff, no reason to, it is perfectly acceptable to be madly in love with me LOL.

So I am going to be celibate for ages it seems. I hate that. I worry that with The Beautiful German I was too aggressive, because it had been so long. I don't want to scare off potential dates with my eagerness, nor do I want to lie to myself and say I like a guy, just to get him into bed. I get tempted to call Timothy Bearclaw, my own personal sex-god, but I like to think I have moved on from such things.

So until I meet someone I will enjoy "Sex" with Carrie, Miranda, Charlotte and Samantha. Maybe with a little help from my little latex friend named "The Ambassador."


mrsmogul said...

I always watch sex in the city at night on the paramount channel. I totally relate to all of the stories! great post!

Jay said...

Good for you. It sounds like you are a lot healthier these days, and I hope you are happier as well. You can always drop me an email if you want to talk.

Oh, and I love, love, love, your position on the 9-11 stuff. I wish more people thought like you!

Diana Crabtree said...

Thanks for making it through the whole thing! :O

Mogul- I am glad you read this one. I bet $100 that you have met this guy before. If not him, many like him. I would have picked a Brit too!

Jay. Thanks, thanks, thanks! That is so sweet!!! I need the reminder of the word "healthy." Casual sex is like junk food: it's enjoyable, but it's empty. And a one-night-stand won't clean your grill :)

And please don't judge us (US) by our bad apples. Almost half of the US voted for Kerry, and his campaign was not great. I don't blame you if you do judge us. On some days I see that maple leaf and I think about marrying a hockey player, having little Canadian babies, and spending our summers at the Winnepeg Folk Festival. ;)

OG said...

clearly NYNDM sux!!!!!
but on some level, he might have been just what the doc ordered. he helped when u werent feelin too sexy about urself (which is just ridiculous really =)) and he helped u see that u deserve soooo much better!
stay strong boo. deciding to be celibate is definitely not the easiest of decisions. but i definitely believe its worth it. hey, it gives u more time to spend on all ur manolo blahnik-inspired friendships =)

SpiderSolitaire said...

Just so you know, I don't like this talk: "Two: He was "slumming.""
I think the other 2 are probably the most accurate.

And it's good to know I am ok ("it is perfectly acceptable to be madly in love with me")
LOL, Love ya!

Diana Crabtree said...

OG & Spider

You both, individually, gave me such warm fuzzies! AWWWW!

I seem to attract SUCH jerkies, which I realize is part of the process, "you have to kiss alot of frogs..." but a part I get stuck in is the dumping once I realize they are just a frog! Thank you for your sweetieness and bringing me back to earth!

And you are right OG, in spite of the hurt after the fact NYNDM's existence gave me a real boost when I needed it.

And Spidey-pants, thanks for hating the "slumming" word. I was choked up when the possibility came into mind.

I cant stop gushing, thank you sweeties! (you too Jay!)
and ewww, OG, It's hard to fathom that I am "choosing" to be celibate...I don't want to be!!!! But it is a choice to want sex to me more than physical, and so if I am insisting on having self-respect I suppose it's a "choice" but still...WAAAAAHHHHHHH!