Monday, March 28, 2005

Muses

OH MY GAWD! I am so turned on!

I am turned on, not (only) sexually, but physically, emotionally, intellectually, spiritually. The object of my lust? A dorky, pretentious, assistant curator.

Something I haven't gone into much is my crushes. Geez oh geez me and my crushes. I have a long list of crushes. I have categories of crushes. I don't even want to have sex with all of my crushes, some of my crushes I don't even want to have a conversation with. I certianly don't want to date them all. So what's the deal? What are these crushes doing for me if I don't want them as partners?

Can I just talk for a minute about the curator first? OHHHHHHHHHHH! What should I call him? Something that captures his essence, hmmm Derek will have to do.

I first crushed on him when he presented the museums pieces to the new tour guide class. I was so endeared by his enthusiasm when describing the pieces. He uses his hands alot and holds his head up as he speaks. He is obviously a bit insecure, and very possibly egotistical (two sides of the same coin my darlings) and he makes me shiver. I must have looked too intensely at him or smiled a little too much, because he started to look in my direction too much, sending me over the edge of the crush cliff!

He has an ADORABLE partner in crime we will call Michelle. Michelle is beautiful and french, and I heard he is leaving after the expansion. NOOOOOOOOOOO! He is just as hot as a boy can be. He has these european looking glasses that he wears, and has this THICK, FRENCH accent that sounds exactly like a stereotype. When he talks I scrunch up and smirk like a school-girl. In fact, he caught me smiling at him saying "I think its 50 minutes" and we shared a smile together. He thought we were laughing at how specific he was being, little did he know I was smiling at his unbelievable ADORABLENESS. hee hee hee

The only thing cuter than Derek or Michelle is Derek and Michelle. I want to marry them both at the same time and live a utopian love triangle marriage where we all love each-other equally and have lots of little babies and live in the french countryside and create art. They are so cute together I can't stand it. They play off each other very well, Derek deferrs to Michelle but I don't think Michelle realizes it. I think Derek has a non-gay same-sex crush on Michelle. They are just so great to be around the energy they put off together is just so lovely I can't stand it. I love being in the room with them.

Derek just makes me totally hot. I want him to remain a crush though I think. The current tour guide ladies (Who I have non-gay same-sex crushes on) who I have lunched with seem to laugh at him. I respect these women and imagine they have good reason for it, so I am keeping him in the "dont-want-to-persue-it-only-want-it-to-be-a-crush" category for now. I am just drawn to his enthusiasm and body language (and body prrrrr) He IS a bit pretentious, which could be a turn off, but I just see it as insecurity, which seems to be at the endearing level, not the sort-of sad level.

Today when he was talking he was standing right by me, I was sitting on a chair. I just wanted to grab his shirt and pull him next to me so I could lay a big wet one on him. (geez- you guys should be paying me 99 cents a minute for this!)

But this is so relevant to my health. One of the things that gets shut down when I am depressed is sexuality. When I am depressed I feel longing and sometimes a very genital sexuality. But these are pathological. They are both like a drug. The longing is for validation and love. All people feel that, but I mean I am wanting someone to fill in an empty space, to validate me by wanting me. The genital-only sexuality is like a mechanical thing. A person doesn't need a partner for that. It is solely a means to an endorphin release at the end. Sex with partners for these purposes is very empty and soul draining. But that GOOD sexuality, where you, as a WHOLE person want to please and be pleased by another whole person, that is coming back :)

So what is up with all of these crushes? Especially if I don't want to have sex with some of them? They are not crushes, they are MUSES.

I am wood, and whatever I am to become depends on how I choose to whittle myself. I have certain characteristics that I must keep in mind in creating myself, like the hardness of the wood, the direction of the grain, but I am the artist in this masterpiece, and I create what I choose.

What does an artist need? Inspiration! I crush on a guy who has traits I would like in a partner. Derek is enthusiastic and passionate about art, he is in good shape and dresses neatly. What would a man who is enthusiastic and passionate, in shape and well dressed look for in a partner? It helps inspire me to build on those qualities in myself that would attract the partner I hope to find some day.

I get girly crushes too, but they usually have a different dynamic. Like many of my men crushes they are someone with qualties I would like to emulate, but not be sexual with. In these types of crushes I am not inspired to attract someone with traits I like in them, but instead I am inspired emulate those traits. My art mentor is a good example of this. She is creative and unique, and is confident about it instead of trying to hide it. She is outgoing and kind, and very tough at the same time. These traits appeal to me and so I am inspired to emulate them.

I have made a decision to be open to the possibility if I had the feelings for a woman that I would for a man I would want to date, but so far, I don't think that has happened. I suppose I didn't have to categorize it as "male" and "female" crushes, maybe "attract" and "emulate" are more appropriate.

I think the muse feeling is why I don't want to let go of the idea of Kareem (hottie desk clerk.) No, I probably would not be a very good girlfriend right now with all of my mood-swings and my fierce need for space. But of the traits I hope to find in a partner some day he has TONS. One vital trait the doesn't have: he isn't INTENSLY excited about me, that is NOT okay in a boyfriend/girlfriend situation. But it it makes a lovely muse.

mood: horny

5 comments:

SpiderSolitaire said...

First - lol
Second - maybe Kareem needs to know he has a reason to get intense about you.
Third - crushes are good, keep on crushin... can't nobody take away a crush ;)

Deek Deekster said...

"One of the things that gets shut down when I am depressed is sexuality. When I am depressed I feel longing and sometimes a very genital sexuality. But these are pathological. They are both like a drug. The longing is for validation and love. All people feel that, but I mean I am wanting someone to fill in an empty space, to validate me by wanting me. The genital-only sexuality is like a mechanical thing. A person doesn't need a partner for that. It is solely a means to an endorphin release at the end. Sex with partners for these purposes is very empty and soul draining. But that GOOD sexuality, where you, as a WHOLE person want to please and be pleased by another whole person, that is coming back :)"

Lovely writing. I linked to you.

Fidget said...

wow, clarity... i get these too.. never sure why. Just had my heart broken by a gal I wanted to emulate more.. Thanks for taking the time out to comment on my blog. Alot of what you had to say makes sense. Now I just need to try and unlearn all the bad stuff i've been telling myself for years and find a good meds course.

Diana Crabtree said...

Deek- You don't know how much I appreciate being complimented on my writing. I read your blog too so I will TOTALLY return the favor. Thanks

Fidget- You are going to have so much success kicking this thing's ass. You were already on the path of "finding yourself despite yourself," you love yourself, and have a sense of humor. You even already know what you have to do.

Even with the chemical imbalance, you had given me the best advice of anyone on my "when I think of those..." post. Your advice stuck with me. When you find the right medication and as you said "unlearn the bad stuff" you will have so much more energy and ability to use this gift of wisdom you have. (not to mention humor- your site cracks me up ALL THE TIME)

Diana Crabtree said...

And spider, look at me SO taking you for granted. Your support IS SOOOOO appreciated! Always!