Monday, April 04, 2005


This was a painful experience for me, I am feeling very upset.

I have a paper and presentation due on wednesday, I have to make healthy coping choices.

Ones I have already made:
-I did not eat food to reduce the anxiety.
-At dinner time I made sure I ate, and I chose healthy nourishing food, so my brain has what it needs to think healthfully.
-I avoided (and will continue to avoid) alcohol and other dangerous drugs
-I called a friend to help me calm down
-I went for a walk, to take myself away from the situation, once the danger had passed
-I have taken advantage of this anxious energy and am putting it into school.
-I have plans to go on a bike-ride tomorrow (social and excercise)
-I have reflected on how I should deal with it if I feel suicidal (nip suicidal ideation in the bud when it is mild/SEEK not avoid professional help)
-Valued self-preservation (I have grown to care about Spider, if I am to be of any help to her, I can't be swept away by her torment)

Things I have done wrong:
-I should have gone to class after I knew she was safe.
-I feel like I could have done a better job talking her down, the cop was able to, shouldn't her "friend" be able to?

I am so glad she is in a hospital right now. What she was dealing with was HUGE, I wouldn't want to have to take accountability for that when I was on a medication that wasn't working well, along with other challenges going on in my life. I wish she would have gone to the counseler, but if her self-preservation is that low right now, than a hospital is a place where she is safe, and perhaps can feel safer creating a plan.

I can't help but think of myself 3 years ago. It woke me up to how powerful my illness is. I hope so much that her life has finally hit bottom, so she may begin the slow, but rewarding path to health.

mood: sad


OG said...

oh baby....
im glad that ure thinking about whats healthy and good for ur mind, body, and spirit.
dont beat urself over the head about not talking her down. its not about who helps her down, but who helps her build her life again. and im sure ull do that to ur best of ur ability. and yes, itll be good enough.

Diana Crabtree said...

OG, you are a lovely person, thank you for being a "source of comfort" ;)