Friday, March 04, 2005

Only a virus

I went to the doctor- get this it's only a freaking cold! Well yesterday I had a fever so cold THIS! I think I am the only person in the world who wishes that they could be sicker, but when I am knocked on my ass, I at least want to hear I have Tuberculosis or something so I am not some fucking woos! Poor baby, she has a cold.

In all honesty, times like these are when having a mental illness really affect my life. If someone were to say "poor baby, you have a cold" they would be under the assumption that without a cold I am well. The truth is, my life has a constant baseline of not feeling well, its like having a cold ALL THE TIME. I have good days, but most days I have to lift myself out of bed and propell myself forward, thinking the whole time "just keep going, keep going" Adding a cold to this is just too much. Actually I think I am being dramatic. I wasn't able to get going thursday so I checked my temperature and saw that indeed I am sick, otherwise I would have gone to work, I may have returned home, but I would have still gone. I am going back sunday, crappy-feeling or not.

I am realizing something. As much as I wish to will myself out of these health issues my damn body isnt allowing it. I pushed myself too far this month, I was too social and I didn't allow myself enough days off. What frustrates me is I had such a wonderful day the other day. I felt so average. And when I am average, it makes me above average, because I have all of the wisdom and gratitude that I have earned from my years of pain. It was such a good day (couple of days) I saw my family, went shopping, dyed my hair, the day after I got back I went to work, had breakfast with an awesome F/A, went to lunch with my mentor and her fabulous friends, went to class and went to work at the end of the day. It was an awesome day, problem is, when I fill my days so full like this I feel pressure to maintain momentum, and I shut down. It is such a fantasy to me to be that energetic all the time (or howabout 1/4th of the time!) I could get so much done! AHHHHH I cant wait to start therapy!

Heres a great thing. I used to be so ambitious. I know its in me. I have a drive that I can get/do whtever I want (well, within my body's permission!) When I remember that drive, I am excited, because I feel that drive in context of my health, and I think I am going to get alot accomplished. My dream used to be to be a campaign manager, or a published physical its to be healthy! My life is already so fucking awesome, if I was healthy I could enjoy it, that would be so great, its really something to look forward to.

The fact that I am able to sit upright and type is a good sign. It just goes to show the power of the placebo. I saw that I had a fever, and I couldn't move. I will say one thing to prove I am DEFINATELY SICK! (in the body or head...that is the question!) This morning the nurse told me that she had a 10:00 appointment available AWESOME! I said to myself "I am going to be extra early, I am going to show up at 10:30" I looked at the bus schedule and everything. I didnt realize this faux-pas until I was walking to the bus stop! Now I am an air-head, but not that bad! So good thing I was not on a plane right now. A terrorist could come up to me and say "Let me in the flight deck door" and I would have called the captian and been like "A terrorist wants to get into the flight deck, thats not allowed, right?" I am kidding OF COURSE! But I can see myself making a stupid mistake and causing a delay, or making the company look bad (look worse.) If I am in a state like that, I am not going to be on top of things enough in an emergency. Besides, people just hate it when you sneeze in their diet sierra mist.

Come to think of it...having a cold is going to serve me pretty fucking well! I can get things done, but have an excuse to rest. I can see my girlfriends (& go shopping for a wedding dress YAY) but still go back to work, and I have a cute little doctors note to show that I am sick, but I came back anyway... what a MODEL employee!


SpiderSolitaire said...

I used to be the same way... Please, let it be something serious. Then I'll show everyone I'm not making things up! Let me be admitted into the hospital, then I got meningitis... yeah, that sucked, wish I could say it set me straight, but it didn't. I still always want things to be bad so others don't think I'm faking.
I'm excited for you to be getting into therapy. Only recently have found someone that acutally helped me.
I understand the depressed feeling. I often find myself wondering how it feels to be a normal person. How it feels to be happy for no reason, and not at a below par level constantly. Do meds help you? Someday, depression will be figured out and solved, and we will all bounce around like happy blond bimbo's without a care in the world (which is bad to say as I am naturally blond lol).

Diana Crabtree said...

What a hilarious bunch of nutcases! Please, oh please let us be sick! LOL

Thats just it, depression is invisible, and if you have it you look lazy, negative, over-emotional, bitchy- you name it. It's not an excuse to be any of these things, so we have to work twice as hard for half the result.
Medication is a god-send for me. Excercise and a low-sugar diet are also super helpful.

I am glad to see you have found someone who has helped. I think the words "only recently" are really powerful. It means you have kept looking, you haven't given up. If you are already having success at 21 and you don't give up you will kick it. And I PROMISE, if you take care of yourself, it gets better! Me now, (27) versus me at 21, are night and day. I would be even farther along if I had not quit taking my medication and had seen doctors the whole time.

Also, to anyone reading can't give up. It won't go away on it's own. if you have tried excercise, a healthy diet, dumping loser friends, and/or new hobbies/job and they don't do the trick, go to a doctor. If you don't treat it you will become chemically dependant, dead, or fucking crazy. I have seen older people who have left the disease untreated. They are the most miserable, sad, unpleasant people. DONT BE DAT!