Sunday, March 27, 2005

Resurrection of the Father (not what you think)

Someone I love died and has been resurrected.

He was my favorite person as a little girl, my hero. He always entertained me with science, art, and jokes.

Over time life's problems got to be too hard on him he began to drink "to relax" and he started to disappear. He shrunk and shrunk and a new person got bigger and bigger. I didn't know this new person, and we didn't like each other.

I kept communicating with his shell, but he was totally gone. Eventually the pain of seeing his body with a stranger's personality became too painful to me and I avoided his shell all together.

It usually takes me 2 weeks to recover after I see his shell. My mom is dead too, but it is easier to accept a parent is dead when they are in a grave. Every time I see his shell and try to talk to it the pain is too much. I forget now and then and say something to "him" but the new person who has possessed his body responds, as if to say "He is dead. You will never see him again, only the shell he once lived in."

Last week my Grandma invited me to Easter dinner. I reluctantly accepted, but as days passed the anxiety got stronger and stronger. I am too worn out right now, I don't have it in me to face the shell. I called and cancelled, leaving out the fact that what I don't have the energy for is the grieving.

HE called back. Not the shell, him! It was like the voice of a ghost! When we spoke to each other the words got through. We sincerely laughed at each others jokes. I called back an hour later, I missed him so much and now I could see him!

When I showed up it was better than I could imagine. He showed me the gadgets he was tinkering with. He showed me some photography he was doing. He showed me pictures of his friends. He wasn't seething and defensive. He wasn't anxious and spacey. IT WAS HIM! BACK TO LIFE!

This was the best day I have had in years. I know my mom will never come back, and I had finally accepted that my dad would not either. I am going to enjoy this as long as I can, and I will hope that the other person doesn't convince him to stop taking the medication so it can take over his body again. God I missed my daddy!

Happy Easter!!!!!!


Atomic Bombshell said...

Now that's the kind of Easter story I needed to hear today! Thank you so much for sharing.

Ravyn said...

Wow! What an awesome Easter story! Made my throat tighten near the end. Glad your dad came back, and I hope he stays for good. :)

SpiderSolitaire said...

I'm so happy for you! You are so lucky! That's great.(at the risk of sounding so annoying saying so so many times) I'm so excited (and slightly jealous)

Diana Crabtree said...

Thanks you three for sharing in my happiness. :) :) :)

Cross your fingers for me, from Cloud Nine is a very long distance to fall.

Kris said...

Thank you for giving away some of your joy! I needed it.

B.L.O.G. said...

Congrats Diana I am soo happy for you to see that in your Father again. I know the shell of a man thing you step-father is much like that.

Its great that you were able to have that moment with him. Hope you had a good easter as well!!

Diana Crabtree said...

Thanks again Aurora, Ravyn, Spidey, Kris & BLOG!

I will enjoy this moment for as long as it lasts. Stories like this usually don't have happy endings.

People with depression often find a medication that works for them and say "I don't need medication, I feel fine" Makes no sense but I have done it too.

Alcoholics (or any other drug addict) are even worse. They will literally lie, cheat, and steal to defend their habit. The drug literally TAKES OVER for the person's logic and, I hate to admit

I am enjoying this, but I hope no-one sees this as a reason to continue hoping that someone who hurts you will stop. Whether they will one day not, you have to protect yourself until they do, you must get them out of your life. If they change, reward them, but be ready to kick them the hell out of your heart the second they start up again. It's harsh, but not as harsh as being abused.