Saturday, March 26, 2005

Make it end!

I have just as many thoughts in my head but I have not felt like writing the past few days.

My batteries are on LOW, and I am SO irritated (how wierd is this) but my schedule keeps filling up. Today is an easter party that my really sweet stay-at-home-mommy friend is throwing. Why WOULDNT you want to go? I am just out of juice. I don't want to have to form sentences. And, to add to it, my sweet friend, like me, has some insecurity, so she is always Ms. perfect. I also don't want to look unenthusiastic in front of her sweet 5 year old about decorating eggs.

Also, with easter coming up it gives me a great platform to post about the origins of our easter traditions, and about "rising from the dead" but I would have to rise from the couch to do it.

The worst part is tomorrow is Easter and I told my grandma I am not working, which means I have to visit. I can visit when I am strong, but it's really hard on me for weeks after. My dad lives with my grandparents, and his mental health is deteriorating. I gave up on him years ago, he insists on being a victim instead of being a survivor, so while it isn't his fault for being sick, it IS his fault for STAYING sick. He gave up on me when I was 12, he was passed-out drunk every night from 12-18 when I moved into the dorms early. He kept drinking after the fact. He doesn't drink nightly today, becuase he lives with his parents, but he does when he visits his friends in another state.

He wants to play the "daddy/daughter" game still. You know, the game where you pretend you are a "parent" and a "daughter" and you pretent that the "parent" takes care of the "daughter" and that the "parent" doesn't tell his "daughter" his problems and pretends that he didnt tell his innocent "daughter" that he once "put a gun to his head" when it would be much more appropriate to protect the little girl and say "I have a sickness, and there was a time when it got so bad that I didn't want to live." And my favorite part of the "daddy/daughter" game is when the "daughter" accomplishes something, and the "daddy" says, "well I must have done something right, because you turned out so good." I loyally played the "daddy/daughter" game for years. I felt like if I don't get to be a kid, at least I could pretend to be one in public. The game needed to end. This was punctuated probably the fifth time he fucking said "well I must have done something right, because you turned out so good." when I beat the odds, him BEING the odds, and accomplished something in spite of him.

I am contemplating not going out there. But Gma & Gpa will be upset. Maybe thats a little bit of a good thing. My Gma, who I love more than life itself, is quite good at pretending everything is better than it is, she LOVES the daddy/daughter game. Uh, I think I shouldn't go. Speaking of, I have to get ready for the egg dying party.

Happy Easter!

mood: sapped

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