Wednesday, March 02, 2005

Baseline

AAAAAAAHHHHHHH
I am sitting at home AGAIN
With plenty to get done AGAIN
I am not feeling totally paralyzed, but I just had a cup of coffee.
How did I get on here in the first place? Snooping around, trying to see if I could find an ex pre-boyfriend's blog. Hoping to find something in there like "I really regret not listening to her, I should have respected her space, I am respecting her space now, and my life has been touched by her, and I will never treat another person like that again" I didn't find anything like that. Hmmm. I did however find the picture of his old/current flame that he basically BEGGED me to look for.
I miss the idea of him. Someone who sees all of my best qualities and is aware of my negative qualites but accepts the whole package. I also enjoyed the idea of his high sex drive, however I didn't know a high sex drive meant leg-humping and being completely ignored when I say "I am not turned on any more, please finish."
I will say this much, having him around DID improve my mood a bit. It taught me to look forward to life because what are some of the funnest things in life? Love and Sex. I suppose I forgot. I stopped being picky enough. I also LOVED dying my hair. FUCK YOU all of you men who love red-heads, go find someone else, I am brunette!
I have a trip tomorrow. Today is my official "anxiety day" and I haven't even acknowledged that I have to start getting ready. My room is LITERALLY a mountian of clothes. I really have improved quite a bit, but I keep slipping. I know I can get control of my room but 5 day trips, 2 classes a week, and me being even a tiny bit of a good friend leaves so little left over. I can't wait to start therapy. My therapist could write a book about me. I have so much work to do on myself, but I am excited because I know alot of what is wrong. I can fix those things that i know about, and while I am sure new things will emerge, I can at least see some structure going on in there.
I can't help but feel great when I compare myself now to how I was 10 years ago. It was as if I was floating. Therapy seems sort of silly while you are doing it. Well, not silly, just too simple. You have the pleasure of talking about things of importance to you and having a kind ear listen, but all the while you are re-framing the way you think! Fixing what is mis-arranged. I have been helped by therapy so much in the past, and at that point I was such a stressed out kid I have no clue how anything got through, today I am so (relatively) with it, and tough. I just can't wait. And I can say this much...all of these men this year have not been completely a waste. I have learned ALOT and I know that I need to keep looking, and at the same time, only keep those who treat me well enough. Sorry Batman.
I must stop myself before my roommate comes home. If I were her I would move to Timbuktu also. I am such a messy, messy girl.

1 comment:

SpiderSolitaire said...

LOL! I have enjoyed reading your blog! I can relate to so much of what you have said!