Tuesday, March 08, 2005

Peeking into a private diary

It has been nearly a week (I think) that I have been writing this blog.

My original intention (which I hope I will remain true to) was to keep a diary. Keeping a diary has helped me alot over the years. It 1: is a record of my moods and events so I may recognize patterns 2: Helps me cope. Writing my emotions keeps me from bottling them up, helps me to understand them better, and gives me something healthy to do in a crisis instead of eating, drinking, TV whatever 3: Keeps my eyes on the prize. Anyone who has tried to lose weight knows this, if you stop paying attention you can fall right back into old patterns. It can be second nature to grab a box of crackers and eat a meals worth of calories without noticing. By writing in a diary I am daily being mindful of what choices I am making each day, as well as reflecting on choices I have made, or the consequenses of choices I could make.

I would say all in all, this has been amazing, and I would like to integrate this into my life. Having it online has made it even better than in a book. Since I am 100% anonymous (no-one I know knows I am doing this, its like a book-diary, why would I tell them?) I feel comfortable sharing unflattering feelings. It also feels very validating when someone says "that sucks!" It feels even better to know that when I share a HUMILIATING story, one that friends don't share completely with each-other, someone else who has felt that way feels understood.

It doesn't matter if no one does read this. It gives me a motivation outside myself. I can imagine that there is a lurker out there reading my post, and he or she is sick like I am. They can go one direction or the other, they can get sicker or they can get healthier. Thinking of him or her motivates me to keep getting healthier. Getting healthy, especially from something invisible and confusing like mental illness, is a lot of work. That hypothetical lurker can help me stay motivated to keep getting healthier, even when I want to quit (which I often want to do)

So here's my challenge. At the top of my list of health issues I need to address is Social Phobia. It is one of the root causes of my depression and anxiety and it leads to lonliness and isolation, which were a big part of my suicidal feelings in 2002. Being on here, looking at tons of awesome blogs made by (mostly) awesome people has been so fun. But I have done nearly nothing else in the last 5 days! It was 50 degrees and sunny the other day (paradise for march in the great white north) and I did not step outside ALL DAY! I have had a fun week, but I have turned my face to the computer, and my back to my life! The exact opposite of the goal of this!

So what should I do? HMMMM. Heres what I am going to do now. I am going to set some goals: Before I start my trip next week I need to do laundry, dishes, and pack. Thats not that much! But boy oh boy does it feel like it. Being paralyzed is a huge hurdle I have to overcome. I think its rooted in perfectionism, but I get such high expectations of myself, and I get myself all worked up, that I make something average size, look like climbing mount everest. So right now I am going to brush my teeth and take a shower (PLEASE dont look at what time this post is written!) I will soak the cooking pots. And I will pull out the dirty clothes into a pile to be sorted. I can do this! I kind of hope anyone reading this is laughing at me, because I am laughing at myself. But hey- the first step is the hardest, I will pick a little one ;)

P.S. Wheres all the hate-mail comments from the Andi post?

mood: fired up

No comments: