Looking at the time I am realizing I need to get to bed soon. I have class in the morning, and being ugly or tardy just sends the social phobia through the roof.
When I went to blockbuster today I killed two birds with one stone and bought coffee filters and salad supplies. I had a bit of hmmm, I don't know the word for it. I suppose it was social phobia. I felt a bit awkward being outside after such a long stretch inside. It was mild, I was able to laugh it off, but it was there.
I also sensed the feeling of being pushed. I have learned with myself that if I push myself I usually have a harder time than if I convince myself. My logic would say "Well just push yourself and deal with it, at least things will get done!" but I have tried that. I did that for years, and I think that drill-seargent treatment was a contributing factor to my suicidal issues. I know not to push too much so I don't shut down. Well, I USUALLY know not to push too much, but I did the last half of February, which I think contributed to me getting sick.
What I am doing now isn't working either. I have to coax myself gently, and be really patient with myself. It's really slow moving, and I am not going to live a full enough life if I don't change something. This is where the therapist comes in. There is alot I can do for myself in getting healthier, but this is a roadblock. I have no clue how to push myself hard enough that what needs to be done is done but to not get anxiety attacks. I actually don't get anxiety attacks in that context. Anxiety attacks hit me when I know I am making the wrong choice, I have already made a poor choice, or if I am hit suddenly with a choice that I don't know what to do.
What happens to me when I push too hard is I shut down. It's wierd. Like the other day I got TONS accomplished. I was a superstar (it seems like I was like normal people-but its debateable) I did not tell myself to do the same thing the next day, but after watching a movie the next morning I really got tired all of a sudden. I wasn't tired during the movie, but the second the movie was over, and I was to think about what to do that day I started yawning.
It would be good for me to finish the dishes and do my laundry, but my class tomorrow is of higher priority. I will do one sinkful of dishes than turn in.
I am so glad I never tried Cocaine or Meth or any Amphetamines. (well, speed once-but thats another story LOL) I would be an instant addict. I was just thinking to myself "I wish I could just take a pill that would let me get everything I need done" I think I will just stick to my coffee :)
mood: procrastinate, disappointed, just here
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