Glad to be here

I am in Des Moines, Iowa right now in my favorite, the Hampton Inn. They are usually very nice and they give us breakfast. So I am glad to be here.

I am also REALLY glad to be back at work (huh?) It surprised me, but as I arrived and saw the moving walkways I hadn't seen for nearly two weeks I started smiling! I love the atmosphere at the Airport, it is energetic, but not chaotic, as I see the same things regularly. I am glad to be here, back at work.

I have an AWESOME crew! They are so considerate in the way they treat the passengers. We had a mechanical delay yesterday and you could hear in the captain's voice how sincerely sorry he was about it. The FO is also awesome. A passenger wanted to know the speed and altitude for her elderly father who hadn't flown in 30 years. The FO didn't want to wake up any passengers so he wrote them down for me to bring to them, it was very sweet. They are really kind men and they are doing it genuinely, not to be chivalrous to make themselves look good. So I am glad to be here with my crew.

This past week I have done a lot of reflecting. On my life, on my relationships, on my childhood, on my choices. My examination of healthy and unhealthy boundaries has led me to realize that I may have found a big, I mean BIG, thing that has been holding me back in my life. I am excited, and anxious, because recognizing how much can change in my life if I address this (boundaries) also shows me that I have A LOT to address.

But the reflecting has shown me something else. I have come far, I mean A HELL OF A LONG WAY! I remember being 21, and as I said in my first post, It was like I was floating. I have a lot of ups and downs still, but even in the downs I have a solid ground to lay on as I sob uncontrollably. I am approaching thirty and I am glad to be here.

I love metaphor and analogy. They can be so helpful in making something as abstract as feelings manageable and understandable. Years ago I tried to come up with some sort of analogy to explain how it felt to be me.

It seemed like other people had this unfair advantage in school, relationships, in life in general. I felt like they were moving forward on solid ground, but I was in a bog. I had to work harder just to stay upright, and if I stopped moving for a second, I would fall under. Using this analogy I had decided to "throw little pebbles in the bog." To do tiny little things to make my life better, things of manageable size, because so much of my energy was being used just to keep going. A little thing could be donating 2 boxes of stuff to charity, so it wouldn't be in the way and make cleaning harder. A little thing could be distancing myself from the mean classmate who gossips and picks on people. Small things that make my life just a little better, or, a little less bad.

As is appropriate to the analogy the little "pebbles" didn't make a noticable difference for years. If you throw a pebble in the water you wont be able to see it, but it is still there. Add more, one at a time and they begin to add up. Now and then you can add a rock (ie get a better job) but the little pebbles are enough to begin to add up.

I think now I am at a point where I am standing up, I no longer have to tread water. The water is still up to my neck, so I have alot of work to do. However, at least I can stop for a minute to collect my thoughts, I have built enough solid ground, from those little pebbles, that I won't drown if I stop moving.

I am excited to learn of the extent my unhealthy boundaries are having in my life. I am happy to learn of this because now I know what to fix! I think this is an exiting thing to realize, because it is so fixable. Big problems for me are Depression and Social Phobia, but what can I do to fix these...cheer up? stop thinking people are staring and evaluating you? Obviously if it were that easy I would have neither of these. But boundaries are manageable. It IS as easy as "tell someone to back up when they stand in your personal space" Sure its hard to build the courage to stand up to people, but its a hell of a lot easier than "cheer up."

These are only a few examples, but every time I tell a panhandler "no" is a pebble. Every time I let someone go on the phone, because I no longer wish to talk, is a pebble. (stuff like this affects my mood for hours) Every time I tell a boy no, I don't kiss on the first date, period, is a ROCK! This is how big this is for me I think! I imagine that once I stop letting people suck my blood, I will stop seeing people as blood-suckers. (That will cause a phobia if anything does! LOL) And if I stop seeing people as blood suckers, I will isolate myself less, and be less isolated, and be less depressed. Yes, I think this is that big.

Well now, I am going to take my heavyer-than-I-would-like body to my hotel room, where I will toss and turn because my more-anxious-than-I-would-like brain is racing. I will wake up earlier-than-I-would-like to get ready for my job that pays-less-than-I-would-like.
And I am glad to be here.

mood: accomplished, content, tired